#1
"Baby it's the coast, you know nothing else comes close"
These words are making waves over the phone, I can hear you on the boat
You drown me out
It's like every step I take towards you lands me farther away
Or you farther from land with every stroke
But it's all the same

"Cali's great this time of year tell me how are things over there?"
If you didn't hear, the weather's fair, I think I may be growin out my hair
We're growing apart
It isn't fair that everytime you stop I start, I stop you go
Away, well baby there is something
I want you to know

I thought about you all summer
well i guess technically I still do
I thought you would never come home
And well I guess that's true

I thought about you all winter
Hands freezing in the cold
I thought about you for a lifetime
But that was a lifetime ago

"You've never lived til you've lived here, it's everything I dreamed"
Well I've been from point A to B and everywhere between
Between you and me
There's this place I go that always feels like home where I'm with you
And not so alone, but it feels so far away now
So far removed

I thought about you all summer
I know you thought about me too
I always hoped you would come home
And I would be with you

I thought about you all winter
Thoughts that kept me warm
I dreamed for days I'd have you
Wrapped safely in my arms

And these nights and these fights don't mean anything
The sun is still yellow the grass is still green
My room's still a mess you'd have thought it'd be clean
But I'd have thought you'd have learned I never learn anything

And those walks and those talks that meant everything
Are washed up on the rocks they don't help anything
The moon is still full and still shines down it's beams
But we're miles apart and you're not here to share it with me

I thought about you all year through rain and sun and snow
I thought about you for a lifetime but that was a lifetime ago
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#4
Wow, you have not gotten the credit you deserve my friend. I can honestly say this is amazing. I loved every aspect of it, the quotes also added a VERY nice touch. My favorite part was probably the "I thought about you all summer/winter" part. The ending really made me think too. Bravo, bravo.
#5
I haven't seen much from you lately....I'll get back to this I promise....it looks intriguing

EDIT********

Heres that Promise I told you I'd fulfill........

Quote by ColdFrontAttack
"Baby it's the coast, you know nothing else comes close"
These words are making waves over the phone, I can hear you on the boat
You drown me out
It's like every step I take towards you lands me farther away
Or you farther from land with every stroke
But it's all the same

I like the flow of the first two lines, third one kind of drags it down a bit...That and it sounds somewhat cliche, but I also get the meaning of it. The last three lines were great and I see the structure...Like I said, line 3 kills the structure (add a 1 syllable word)

"Cali's great this time of year tell me how are things over there?"
If you didn't hear, the weather's fair, I think I may be growin out my hair
We're growing apart
It isn't fair that everytime you stop I start, I stop you go
Away, well baby there is something
I want you to know

I didn't like the internal rhyme scheme you had goin' on the second line. Though the idea behind it was good....The rest is awesome

I thought about you all summer
well i guess technically I still do
I thought you would never come home
And well I guess that's true

This stanza, to me, is absolutely perfect. Adding just enough emotion to the piece with the right tone...me likey

I thought about you all winter
Hands freezing in the cold
I thought about you for a lifetime
But that was a lifetime ago

Using the repetition of thought, seems to get old here....it was great in the previous stanza...try using something else other than thought....I understand how it goes from summer to winter (fairly long time)...I like the flow of it and how it kept structure and tone the same, just consider the slight change here

"You've never lived til you've lived here, it's everything I dreamed"
Well I've been from point A to B and everywhere between
Between you and me
There's this place I go that always feels like home where I'm with you
And not so alone, but it feels so far away now
So far removed

I like the idea behind this stanza, but there's a few minor details that I think needs some fixin' uppin'....In the second line add 'in' before 'between'...it'll help with the flow....Line four 'where' I think should be 'when'....Other than those two problems, this is a hell of a stanza

I thought about you all summer
I know you thought about me too
I always hoped you would come home
And I would be with you

I thought about you all winter
Thoughts that kept me warm
I dreamed for days I'd have you
Wrapped safely in my arms

same as before

And these nights and these fights don't mean anything
The sun is still yellow the grass is still green
My room's still a mess you'd have thought it'd be clean
But I'd have thought you'd have learned I never learn anything

I love the flow and tone of the stanza. To me, flawless

And those walks and those talks that meant everything
Are washed up on the rocks they don't help anything
The moon is still full and still shines down it's beams
But we're miles apart and you're not here to share it with me

I like the alliteration in here...The emotion is great

I thought about you all year through rain and sun and snow
I thought about you for a lifetime but that was a lifetime ago

I love the first line, but not the second for ending line, I felt the ending could have been way better probably cuz I was expecting a little more from it, but I get the idea...


Overall, it was an awesome piece with a few minor things that I pointed out, which should help....I enjoyed this read very much
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
Last edited by Eaglestalon101 at Sep 2, 2008,
#6
You should post more. If I get around to it, I might try to nit-pick but I'll tell you now, I loved it.

You're name is Derek, right?
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
Quote by jiminizzle
You should post more. If I get around to it, I might try to nit-pick but I'll tell you now, I loved it.

You're name is Derek, right?


Ha, newbie.


Some of it was borderline. Well, more like a few lines. But that's just my general distaste of this style.

Regardless, I'd like to see you post again.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#8
Thanks a lot guys. Jiminizzle, yeah my name is Derek and I don't really write much anymore which would be the reason I don't post much, but I'm sure something will come about sooner or later.
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