#1
sarah wasn't talking to me yesterday for some legitimate reason. i don't know, i called her mom a **** or i accidentally came on her face last night while we were having sex. she was screaming about broken eggs in the refrigerator door that i had no explanation for. shes tired of something something and wishes that i would something something. i couldn't stop glancing at her linen chest and the slight glimpse of vagina in her snug pajama bottoms as she scolded me like my mother did when i was thirteen.

she seemed to be warming up to me around mid-day after i had hastily cooked her lunch and playfully massaged her back and she asked,
let's play charades.
'well...okay'.
what am i?
'...some yellow little earthling with nothing to show for her
cowardice but the lazy grin on her face?'
funny...
seriously, what am i?
'seriously? ...some naive little cu.nt who thinks she can
save the world by holding up peace signs and giving away free hugs?'
seriously?
'seriously'.
...you're no fun.

i awoke today to find an envelope left from her in my mailbox,
addressed, postage stamped and everything,

'matthew, you're a charmless fu.ck and i'm leaving. i assume you too feel its for the best.
<3sarah'

human beings should never assume. now i've nothing to do but rake leaves the salty breeze blew from the limbs of the crooked trees onto the yard i once again had forgotten to mow. i do not understand those who can rake with sincerity on a serene fall day. i find it troublesome. i find it nothing but a chore. i just proceed half ass in a flurry of curse words i find only fitting for a morning like this.
Last edited by rushmore at Sep 2, 2008,
#2
True that.


<3
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
Very, very, very well written. Reads easy with some clever rhymes inside at times. The whole thing just felt comfortable, and familiar (not in a cliched sort of way). However, I did begin to stray in the last bit, possibly due to it going back to paragraph form after I got used to the free lines style. Aside from that, excellent.

I just wanted to post a quick comment to say, thanks, this made me feel good.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#4
thanks. i think theres some work to do with it yet but i'll see where it goes.
#5
Probably just me, but half of it was good, half of it bad. Seemed to be mostly exposition and a set up for this admittedly wonderful (perfect, even) extract:

Quote by rushmore
"i awoke today to find an envelope left from her in my mailbox,
addressed, postage stamped and everything,

'matthew, you're a charmless fu.ck and i'm leaving. i assume you too feel its for the best.
<3sarah'

human beings should never assume. now i've nothing to do but rake leaves the salty breeze blew from the limbs of the crooked trees onto the yard i once again had forgotten to mow.


I also liked the "seriously? ...some naive little cu.nt who thinks she can
save the world by holding up peace signs and giving away free hugs?" part. But it seemed like you wrote this about someone then tried to fit it into a story about something else.

I also thought there was unnecessary swearing and attempt to cause offence, with little explanation or relevance. (Why did you call her mother a bitch, for example?) Still, it had good moments and if you work on it, I think it could be great.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=945016
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

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LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
Last edited by break-me-in at Sep 3, 2008,