#1
My first piece in almost a month ! C4C (leave link)


Hate to say I prefer seeing you in black and white,
rather than staring at your face in ambient light.
I would lock you in a silent movie to mute your voice
and tie your joints in strings, to hoist you at any choice.
I’d appreciate you as a puppet, a slave, or joy to sight;
and test your combustibility to burn to ashes your every right.
I want you as a surface, as a pillow of my sorrows;
and you’d better be dismissive so I can throw you away tomorrow.

I won’t be captivated; life has beaten me too many times;
and minored me to many writings, wordplays and rhymes.
So, I want you locked in frames, thrown away and overused,
to focus all my powers on lowering every single you.
#2
I find you writing has this quality to it that is very much original to you. For instance, your opening line is not great, doesn't mean anything, doesn't create any serious images or emotion, but when you added the second line, in all fell into place. Your work is ridden with that technique.

- "and tie your joints in strings, to hoist you at any choice." - Gloriously quirky and odd. The last word is totally violent against the grain which is super cool!

Combustibility just doens't fit mate and I don't see the relevance of why you added such a elongated word so astonishingly in such a manner. Maybe I'm missing something?

- " want you as a surface, as a pillow of my sorrows;
and you’d better be dismissive so I can throw you away tomorrow." - This has similar wonderful traits as the opening lines do, as I mentioned already, only this is better!

Your verse breaks are not effective. I wreckon it would read better if it were in all one big block, although your last verse has nothing to mention or to quibble over, due to the fact that its just such great writing.

Good to here from you again mate, very nice indeed.

Digitally Clean
#4
Quote by seventh_angel


Hate to say I prefer seeing you in black and white,
rather than staring at your face in ambient light.
A Good two first lines the first line on its own makes no sence but with the second one it brings it all together.
I would lock you in a silent movie to mute your voice
and tie your joints in strings, to hoist you at any choice.
I also like this it has lots of flow
I’d appreciate you as a puppet, a slave, or joy to sight;
and test your combustibility to burn to ashes your every right.
Once again great flow.
I want you as a surface, as a pillow of my sorrows;
and you’d better be dismissive so I can throw you away tomorrow.
I love this line its kinda romantic and sweet.

I won’t be captivated; life has beaten me too many times;
and minored me to many writings, wordplays and rhymes.
So, I want you locked in frames, thrown away and overused,
to focus all my powers on lowering every single you.
I have no crit for you on this song what so ever cause its almost perfect.


I would say i hope this crit will help you but i couldnt think of any what so ever. This is one of the best lyrics i have seen on UG so far.

Can you Crit mine now please?:Tell Me
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


Quote by goest
You raped someone with a knife, didn't you?
#5
poetry reads a lot better when it isn't blatantly rhymed, your piece wasn't too obvious and that was nice but coming from personal preference, i ain't a fan.

you have some really nice imagery and words going on. i especially like "I won’t be captivated; life has beaten me too many times; and minored me to many writings, wordplays and rhymes." very nice! i fear you use "I" too much sometimes but the piece has charm and you'll find a good balance eventually.

if you wanna comment on one of my pieces then throw a comment here:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=951610
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"