#1
KitKat Golems

I see it here before me
My mouth waters in supplication
Lighted columns of dust shine upon it
The plate’s a plinth and here’s my wafer

First slip the catch
Don’t tear, not now
It’s red.
like a stop light.
Telling me to hurry

Then we’re in.
Struck silver
Precious metal
Feeling foetal

Full of care
Unwrapping my present
This is the future
Smooth it down

We’ve got here
All of us
It’s maps we fear
This communion troubles us?

Less solid than I thought
Layers of sweet stuff
All bubbles and air

There it is
There’s my prize
I’ll take it
Two fingers in my face
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
Last edited by meh! at Sep 2, 2008,
#2
KitKat Golems

I see it here before me
My mouth waters in supplication
Lighted columns of dust shine upon it
The plate’s a plinth and here’s my wafer

This just felt like a list. Every line was capitalized and none added on to the line before it. Lists are fine sometimes - though four always seems a stretch in my book - but it makes for a very dull opening. I just want to pick apart a few things from each line now, and that should be enough so I can crit the rest stanza-wise. the first line you would just be better off without; it does nothing for me as the reader that you're telling me you see it. The old adage 'show don't tell' would applies very well here. At this point you might as well make the second line the first. The second line, though a little better, still doesn't do much, like "mouth waters" hasn't been used a million +1 times before. You might just add an as after it to take away some of the list qualities. The third and fourth lines were good.

First slip the catch
Don’t tear, not now
It’s red.
like a stop light.
Telling me to hurry

The first two were excellent...but then I read red like a stoplight and my mind just screamed "weak". Then the next line just confused me, since I don't normally associate red lights with hurrying, unless you are far away and have to hurry to make the green. That is a very big stretch though, I doubt anyone would get that impression on first read. It would also imply that you're far away, which doesn't seem to be the case. A yellow light maybe (which I know wouldn't fit here), telling you to hurry and get through, but not red.

Then we’re in.
Struck silver
Precious metal
Feeling foetal

Full of care
Unwrapping my present
This is the future
Smooth it down

Nothing that really jumps out here, negatively or positively. Just kinda there.

We’ve got here
All of us
It’s maps we fear
This communion troubles us?

Now here, the brevity and clear intent of these lines make the list format fun to read. The last line was also pretty good. Brought out some imagery that was, so far, lacking.

Less solid than I thought
Layers of sweet stuff
All bubbles and air

There it is
There’s my prize
I’ll take it
Two fingers in my face

I don't know why you didn't go crazy here with descriptions of the taste, feel, sight, sound, smell.. taste. Those two lines "layers/bubbles" just don't cut it man, I've been waiting this whole time to see your reaction! and now you're just telling me "oh, alright there it is". I can't handle this, I'm gonna go get myself a goddamn kitkat bar because this just didn't give me the same warmth as the real thing.

What I think you really need to start focusing on here is bringing out all the six senses (taste counts double here) in your writing. The whole thing screams that 'show don't tell' bit. You've got the ability to add a bunch of pizazz to your writing, but now I want to see what you see, not just have you tell me (vaguely) about it. I've seen much more from you, in prose and poetry, and I know with a good amount of work you could really make this great. I would just ditch it though and work on something else, because I didn't get a sense that you felt strongly enough about that kitkat bar to put your heart into the writing. You're a great writer, I'd just like to see your writing at it's full potential.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Sep 3, 2008,
#3
Thanks I'll definitely be editing in a lot of the changes you suggested as, wether I get a finished piece or not, it's good to practise.

The first line was supposed to be the beginning of the sort of religious theme. 'here before me'. Probably improve that, but yeah. And the insubstantiality of the kitkat was purposeful, it's a quick sugary treat in the end it's just... meh.

bleh probably just scrap it actually, lol.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#4
I'll be honest, there wasn't much I liked here. So I'm just going to bend you over the table and get it over with. Without further ado... remember, its not personal.

Quote by meh!
KitKat Golems

I see it here before me
My mouth waters in supplication
Lighted columns of dust shine upon it
The plate’s a plinth and here’s my wafer

This was a list. Plain and simple. It was a boring, mundane attempt to make something seem infinitely more interesting than it really was by adding a "mystique style" to it. Then you throw in the word supplication out of no where... its too obscure and "big" sounding for what you have going here. Make it simple or make it complex... if you are going to mix the two you better do it damn well or it will bite you in the ass.

First slip the catch
Don’t tear, not now
It’s red.
like a stop light.
Telling me to hurry

What the fuck are you on about here? I mean, I could be missing something due to my American English... but I don't think so. The first line is like sex to read out loud... but it means nothing to me. I don't see the connection.

Also, I really hate the tone you are establishing here... it sort of reminds me of a comedian trying to be deathly serious. Its too topsy-turvy for its own good... for a minute its concrete, then we add some strange pause where it feels like information is missing. I don't know, it just bugs me. Could just be bad line breaks... but I don't think so.


Then we’re in.
Struck silver
Precious metal
Feeling foetal

If you are going to do something like this... with quick broken thoughts, you better make them rapid fire and mind-blowing... otherwise it will come off like you just didn't know how to develop and idea. Here, it came off feeling undeveloped. Like you had something you wanted me to take from it, but never said it.

Full of care
Unwrapping my present
This is the future
Smooth it down

This is absolutely crying for punctuation. Do you hear it? "I want a comma bitch" is what it is saying. Also, I hate the fact you have every line capped... it makes it so much less appealing. To be honest, I also loathe the quazi-philosophical feel this has. It's like each line is trying to be so much deeper than it really is. I can't really explain what I mean... but each line is just begging me to over-think it, when really there isn't anything to over think. Somehow or another, the tone you've taken has made itself over-complicated. Like sticking little bits of Aristotle into a Shell Silverstein book.

We’ve got here
All of us
It’s maps we fear
This communion troubles us?

Ugh, rhyming us with us and here with fear.

Less solid than I thought
Layers of sweet stuff
All bubbles and air

There it is
There’s my prize
I’ll take it
Two fingers in my face


You've essentially left this piece for dead mate. I got to the end and I said, "What the hell was any of that even about?" There was no thread that seemingly connected it all from my point of view... the almost quizzical tone cheapened any solid imagery you had (which to be honest was few and far between) and in the end, you just didn't develop this at all. It was like you were afraid to take the idea and truly run with it, to create something spectacular. You barely even expressed yourself... and in the end, what came out came out feeling a bit mechanical and lacking personality because it read like you think a poem should. It read with "lofty" line breaks and a breezy feel... when it could have benefited from some real grit and substance. Don't be afraid to really dig in and offend someone. You have it in you, I've read your prose... you've got talent, and you have ideas... now learn yo use poetic form and line breaks to enhance your work, instead of chopping it down.

And PLEASE PLEASE try writing in something that isn't so structured for a bit. The transfer from mostly prose to poetry is hard, write free form, don't worry much about line breaks, and let that part come. This just felt robotic and hollow. Bring some stu into your next piece, make it something that only you could write... and it will really zing.



If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. If you want to yell at me for being an asshole, you can do that too. I only rip into you because I can see some potential.
#5
you're not being an asshole and thank you. Honesty is awesome. That would be the... 4th poem I've ever written I don't expect any of them to be good at all so I think i'll take you up on writing free form.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish