#1
the conjecture thimble.

well,
i know i'm not shallow
because
i used to know this
one guy
who didn't understand
that everything he did
pissed me off.
felt like an animal.
rabies and
eating babies;
damn i used to be
so --- red.
we had met through
a mutual friend
a couple years ago.
first thing he said to me
was,
"Kent, you're a fuckin good
guitar player.
you ought to play in my band."
and i hated him
and his face
and his attitude.
Daniel
was the name.

one night
at some girl's
birthday party,
i was stepping out
for a cigarette
when Danny boy
decides he
wants to join me.
he said,

"listen man,
word through the
grape vine
says you got a problem
with me
and the way i am.
is that true?"

"yes."
i am not a liar.
"and if you're feeling
froggy,
i'll break your frog nose
before you even have
a chance to leap.
asshole."
i am not an idiot.

"well, i just wanted
to say that
i really don't like
you either.
you're a prick.
and i'm going to stand
out here
and smoke my cigarette,
too,
broken nose
...or not."

so now,
as best friends;
at least we walk
the earth knowing
God's honest
truth about
one another.

as men would have.

i told you i'm not shallow.
just got a funny way
of making friends.

or not.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Sep 2, 2008,
#3
'eating babies;' 'i hated him and his face ' both seem a bit glib considering their context. Though i did like the rhyme.

Also 'and i hated him
and his face
and his attitude.'

'him' covers everything that is this person, once you've said him there's not point in say AND his face and attitude. It would work if it was something like 'specifically his face and attitude' (though obviously that doesn't fit, but you see what I mean)

The rest of it's fine (though at times, because of the way you've written it, it can read a bit stunted) but my problem is this: It doesn't seem to either be:

A. Saying something larger. One of the things that i like about poetry is the way people look into the world and see in the minutiae and detail the whole world, as it were. They take the world we know and show us it in a different way or simply show it to us without all the trappings of normal life that alter our perceptions. When it comes to this poem, it works but... it just seems like it's a poem for you and you alone. There's nothing wrong with that but it makes it less enjoyable for me to read.

B. It's not amazingly pretty with words. There are some nice rhymes, humour and phrases but nothing astounding.

That said, I still enjoyed reading it. lol A lot of the flow was nice (though the conversation kind of seemed shunted in)
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
Last edited by meh! at Sep 2, 2008,
#4
Eh, back now.

To be flagrantly honest, I didn't like anything about this. I finished reading it, because its you adn I was hoping for some sort of pay off... but there wasn't one.

Here's what i hated:

A) there was no interesting content. It was a story... which can be fine, except this wasn't really an interesting story. Which means that you need to layer it with wit and quirky points of view to make it do anything other than lay dead on the page. You didn't.

B) There were no sonics. You had the broken form that is supposed to read like a gatling gun rippign apart the french as they charge at it with swords... and it didn't. It read slowly... almost painfully slowly. There was so much going on that wasn't explained... there was so much undercurrent missing in the story that I spent most of my time wondering, "why didn't you like him?" "does it really matter that you don't like him"? Then we get to the pay off, the "switcheroo" and it was weak at best. I didn't know if you were friends now, or just agreeing to be enemies, or still hated each other and fought or what? I need more.

Also, the quotes were just tediously done. They really killed what little flow you ahd going for me.

Your last few have missed me... I'm hoping they start hitting me again soon... I miss it.
#5
I thought I'd gotten over this a long time ago, but I really think now - since this is a story - you should mess around with some different line breaks. Not that every line has to be half a page long, but certain things like "i used to know this/one guy" just don't need to be separated.
EDIT: What Zach said.

Aside from that though, I fucking loved this, and here's why: it was real. Feelings, attitudes, just perfect, and you don't waste time on any filling. It was really just a hell of a read (disregarding the lines breaks). My only other nitpick is "walk the earth". Just kind of a bubbly, bright image to me that doesn't seem to compliment this piece, instead coming across as cheesy. I would much rather just see it as "at least we know God's honest (etc..)", could just be me though. Overall

good one
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Sep 2, 2008,
#6
Quote by ZanasCross
Eh, back now.

To be flagrantly honest, I didn't like anything about this. I finished reading it, because its you adn I was hoping for some sort of pay off... but there wasn't one.

Here's what i hated:

A) there was no interesting content. It was a story... which can be fine, except this wasn't really an interesting story. Which means that you need to layer it with wit and quirky points of view to make it do anything other than lay dead on the page. You didn't.

B) There were no sonics. You had the broken form that is supposed to read like a gatling gun rippign apart the french as they charge at it with swords... and it didn't. It read slowly... almost painfully slowly. There was so much going on that wasn't explained... there was so much undercurrent missing in the story that I spent most of my time wondering, "why didn't you like him?" "does it really matter that you don't like him"? Then we get to the pay off, the "switcheroo" and it was weak at best. I didn't know if you were friends now, or just agreeing to be enemies, or still hated each other and fought or what? I need more.

Also, the quotes were just tediously done. They really killed what little flow you ahd going for me.

Your last few have missed me... I'm hoping they start hitting me again soon... I miss it.



i felt the complete opposite to this




love is a dog from hell.



#7
Like I told you, this felt very real, not even because of your name. Just did. Yes, it was rather raw, and felt a bit like you found it hard to portray exactly how you felt, and make the moments construct a bigger picture... but I still felt like the awkwardness of it only contributed to what you were trying to go for, the emotions you were trying to create in the piece, the unease that was surrounding you and the scenes throughout and the dynamics of the relationship you were presenting.

I thought it made this very honest and clean.
This is not a pipe