#1
The Alarm Goes,
But the World keeps sleeping.
The day gets older,
But the dawn will never come.


So Tell Me ,
What stops your heart from bleeding
So tell me ,
Just Dont Stop Beliving,
Cause ill walk through hurricanes to save you.


Your life needs insperation,
Not some Fantasy Medication,
So please dont quit on me,
Cause there is still hope for you and me.


So Dont Knock them Down,
Pick Them back Up,
Love the hated.
and hate the loved.


So Tell Me ,
What stops your heart from bleeding.
So tell me,
Just Dont Stop Beliving,
Cause ill walk through hurricanes to save you.
So i can Stop weeping ,
and Cure the bleeding.


Any tips i havent really been writing for long so i need advice and as usual crit for crit


Thanks


EDIT: Lots of people have been saying its just a few ideas put together with no story but it does have a story. Its about a boy standing over his childhood sweetheart in hospital because she is in a coma and never wake up. But the doctors keep telling the boy she will never wake up but he is sure she will and waits for her day after day.
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


Quote by goest
You raped someone with a knife, didn't you?
Last edited by Mr Maggot at Sep 7, 2008,
#2
Quote by Mr Maggot
The Alarm Goes
But the World keeps sleeping
The day gets older
So you keep weeping

I really like this opening, it romanticises the simple notion of someone waking up, but gives a slightly darkened twist on it by singling out the person by keeping the rest of the world asleep, away from them. The only thing I would do would be to change the first line to "The alarm goes off" as it is a little abrupt the way it is at the moment.

So Tell Me
What stops you from bleeding
So tell me
What keeps your heart beating
Just Tell Me

This is a good stanza for bringing in a sense of personal feeling. It can be read as being aimed at a particular person, or to ayone who is reading the piece, good job. The repetition of "So tell me" is a nice touch, simple but effective. I'd get rid of the final line, because although it brings an ending to the stanza, the previous line would work better, and be more effective if you ended the verse there.

My life needs insperation
Not some Mental Meditation
and all you ever wanted
Was to be haunted

This stanza lost me a bit. It veers off from the theme in the previous two verses, but there doesn't seem to be any connection between them. The last two lines, while the idea is there, don't work very well. Develop the idea a little stronger and it should work.

So Dont Knock them Down
Pick Them back Up
Love the hated
and hate the loved

This is my favourite verse, it goes back to the same idea of the first stanza and this works greatly, as there is a mirrored theme. The people you refer to as "them" and "the hated" in this stanza, are almost the same as the "sleeping world" in the opening stanza. The line "love the hated" is directly related to the first 2 lines of the verse. Again it is almost romantic in a way, as it shows a kindness to the piece. Though this is made obvious using the love idea, it is very effective.

So Tell Me
What stops you from bleeding
So tell me
What keeps your heart beating
Just Tell Me
And Stop the world from sleeping
Just Open Your eyes
So i can Stop weeping
and Cure the bleeding

Here again I would get rid of the line "Just tell me" and then seperate this into two stanzas after "What keeps your heart beating". The last 4 lines are very strong and they carry on with the theme running throughout the piece.

Any tips i havent really been writing for long so i need advice and as usual crit for crit


Thanks


I really enjoyed reading this piece and considering that you haven't been writing for long, it shows you have the basic skills to develop into a very good writer. One thing I am going to say though, is to include punctuation in your writing. Although this is a simple piece rhytmically, it would read much nicer if you used commas, full stops etc to end your lines, rather than just having them run onto oneanother.

I'd really appreciate if you could take a look at my latest piece, "New Day Rising". Here's the link: New Day Rising (Working Title)

Keep up the good work!
#3
OK Thanks dude will do i also need a name i thought "wake up" or "just tell me why" but i wasnt sure.




thanks
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


Quote by goest
You raped someone with a knife, didn't you?
#5
Quote by Mr Maggot
The Alarm Goes
But the World keeps sleeping
The day gets older
So you keep weeping

A slightly abrupt start, but a good one nonetheless. I'd make it into 2 lines though, personally.
So Tell Me
What stops you from bleeding
So tell me
What keeps your heart beating
Just Tell Me

Seems a little dull and cliche, to be honest.

My life needs insperation
Not some Mental Meditation
and all you ever wanted
Was to be haunted

"Inspiration" spelt with an I in the middle. And this stanza feels like not much lthought went into the first two lines and you just found 2 things that rhymed then stuck them together. Plus, meditation is always mental. I like the second half though, which was simple but made its point.

So Dont Knock them Down
Pick Them back Up
Love the hated
and hate the loved

Like the way this almost rhymes but kinda doesn't. And I think the reversal is good.

So Tell Me
What stops you from bleeding
So tell me
What keeps your heart beating
Just Tell Me
And Stop the world from sleeping
Just Open Your eyes
So i can Stop weeping
and Cure the bleeding

Again, cliche.


Thanks for the crit, here's yours, hope it's helpful.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#7
Quote by Mr Maggot
The Alarm Goes,
But the World keeps sleeping.
The day gets older,
So you keep weeping .

i love this verse, especially the first two lines

So Tell Me ,
What stops you from bleeding.
So tell me ,
What keeps your heart beating .

once again i liked this, and it has good flow

My life needs insperation,
Not some Mental Meditation,
and all you ever wanted,
Was to be haunted.

i liked the the first three lines but it seems the last one just doesnt make sense to me, like you said on my song maybe its just me.

So Dont Knock them Down,
Pick Them back Up,
Love the hated.
and hate the loved.

i love this verse, no crit

So Tell Me ,
What stops you from bleeding.
So tell me,
What keeps your heart beating.
Just Tell Me,
And Stop the world from sleeping,
So i can Stop weeping ,
and Cure the bleeding.

good way to end the song

Any tips i havent really been writing for long so i need advice and as usual crit for crit


Thanks


i really like this whole song except that one line, good work
#8
it is a bit cliche during many points of the song, but if you haven't been writing long, it does show alot of potential for you to be a good writer

so i'm pretty impressed, keep it up
#9
I like this alot. The one thing that i dont get totally is the line "was to be haunted". I guess its just me. The way that you repeat tell me is really cool and it just helps bring out the message alot more. Very good job on this. heres one of mine. I havnt been writing for long at all. Actually this is the 2nd thing ive written
#10
Thanks This is the 3rd whole song i have ever written by myself, i have helped other people write songs and stuff so i have had a little practise but not mutch.

And Also i have changed those lines to:
"So Please dont quit on me,
Cause there is still hope for you and me."

Thanks
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


Quote by goest
You raped someone with a knife, didn't you?
Last edited by Mr Maggot at Sep 5, 2008,
#11
The Alarm Goes,
But the World keeps sleeping.
The day gets older,
So you keep weeping .

I like this, its pretty clever, don't really like the last line much though

So Tell Me ,
What stops you from bleeding.
So tell me ,
What keeps your heart beating .

This is nice but just a bit cliche IMO

My life needs insperation,
Not some Mental Meditation,
So please dont quit on me,
Cause there is still hope for you and me.

Again this one is good, kinda catchy

So Dont Knock them Down,
Pick Them back Up,
Love the hated.
and hate the loved.

This reminds me of Cat Stevens haha , but it still fits the song so its good

So Tell Me ,
What stops you from bleeding.
So tell me,
What keeps your heart beating.
Just Tell Me,
And Stop the world from sleeping,
So i can Stop weeping ,
and Cure the bleeding.

the first 4 lines still bug me but the last 4 are good

i know i already crit it but i thought since you gave mine an honest one i should do the same for you.

overall its pretty good though keep it up
#13
I find some potential in this, even though it's not really my type of thing, and I think the chorus is cliché but it's just the beginning for you. This just felt like loose thoughts mixed altogether. Another thing I've notices is that you've been changing lines along the comments, that's a good thing. When you analyse one of your songs and try to improve it constantly is a sign of desire in wanting it to be better.

Let's see what you bring the next time you post something, I assure you I'll take a look and leave my mark

Keep going man !
#14
the problem i find with this type of songwriting is that because you have such short, succinct lines in an ABAB or AABB rhyme scheme, everything has a tendency to come off vague. and because i don't think the ideas are cohesively linked enough. for instance, from the first two stanzas, a connection can be made and somewhat understood. but then the next two stanzas progress even further without much explanation, and the "story" or idea seems quite hard to follow. the result for me is that it sort of becomes meaningless and the stanzas seem solitary rather than adding to each other.

It's not terrible, but the song doesn't have much impact with me because of the pop-vagueness of the lyrics, and lack of a substantial idea or story. probably more of a preference thing though. thanks for your comments on mine.
#15
my opinion might not be all that revolutionary, and its probably cliche, but instead of "what stops you from bleeding" i thought "what stops your heart from bleeding" just seemed to...fit it more?
#16
Yeah It was "what stops you from bleeding" but then i changed it to "what stops your heart from bleeding" because i was struggling for another line. Thanks for the crit
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


Quote by goest
You raped someone with a knife, didn't you?
#18
Oh yeah and i took your advice and changed it to "what stops your heart beating" and made the other line " Cause its what im needing". Thanks
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


Quote by goest
You raped someone with a knife, didn't you?
#19
Thanks for thec rit. Ia ppreciate it. Anyways, I thought this was a really cathcty song. It flowed really well. However, I would consider changing the "'Cause it's what I'm needing" line. It just sounds awkward to me, and it seems like you were just trying to fit the rhyme with that line. I really liked the "Love the hated/Hate the loved" lines though. Also I don't udnertsand the "plastic meditation" line. I like it, I jsut don't udnerstand it. Care to explain? Anyways, I hope to read more from you soon.
#20
I liked the song, but it felt very forced in some areas, but in others it felt very natural.

It was cliche in some areas, but at least it did help the idea of the story along, and thats what counts

Care to Crit my Incessant Dance song in my sig?
#21
Quote by themarsvolta
However, I would consider changing the "'Cause it's what I'm needing" line. It just sounds awkward to me, and it seems like you were just trying to fit the rhyme with that line. I really liked the "Love the hated/Hate the loved" lines though. Also I don't udnertsand the "plastic meditation" line. I like it, I jsut don't udnerstand it. Care to explain? Anyways, I hope to read more from you soon.


Yeah It was ment to be medication that was spelling mistake sorry

And i have now changed the what im needing line to "Just Dont stop beliving" and then added on a extra line.

Thanks
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


Quote by goest
You raped someone with a knife, didn't you?
#22
Pretty cool Callum..
How do i know your name?

Yeah anyway, the tell me bits seemed a little cliche (dunno how to do the accent above the e so make do) but I liked it otherwise.


I made this account PURELY to comment on this.