#1
I wrote this for Kent.

---


There's an old music shop
down the street from my flat.
It sells record players
and record players' parts, but
I never see anyone venture inside.

The shop keeper smokes, heavily,
and I see him sometimes
nodding slightly
to a music that cannot be heard
past the tobacco-tinted glass.

I promised myself that someday
I'll stop by and strike up a conversation.
This is not a pipe
#2
I like how it's short and to the point. The only part I didn't like was 'nodding slightly' seemed a little short compared to all of the other lines there. Sorry I don't have more to contribute.
It all makes sense
We're capable of beauty
Through sounds that make on cringe
The dogs only hear us now

#3
If I were to be perfectly honest, I would say this felt flat. It was well written and everything... I just get the feeling that you weren't really into it when you wrote it. It sort of just strolls around slowly (which can be done purposefully and used well, but here it didn't seem purposeful). When I got to the end, I just said, "hmm, ok" and then moved on.

I know you hate criticism like this, where I don't go through and point to the comma you missed or something like that... but there is nothing technically wrong. It just didn't feel much like you cared about what you were writing about... and that fact that you care so much about your writing and I can see that in almost all your other pieces is what gives them a special flare that was missing here.

I could be totally off, but that's just how it stuck me.



I'd love your thoughts on Ring Pop or Finger Paint if you has chance.
#4
i'm disagreeing with Zach on this one.
i think you knew exactly what you were doing and what tone you were shooting for, and spawned a nice and condensed little door for the reader to open for themselves. there's so much mystery left to delve into; in some ways, i wish it wasn't as short. the way you describe the neighborhood hermit( with the smoking, record shop owner, yellow-tinted glass, and seeing his head nodding to a music that cannot be heard outside)and the "passer-bye"((you even go into the "passer-bye's" sensed comfort on the outside, and the new notion of making a friend someday))is just insanely, opaquely; beautiful.
very well done.

i feel honored for the dedication.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Sep 3, 2008,
#5
I felt a slightly depressing tone from it, but in a distant way, idk how to describe it better:/
I can't find anything that could be changed to improve it.

Hopefully I can add to this later.
#6
I thought this came off well. There aren't really supposed to be any great heights of emotion here. Just a sort of sad melancholy about the past. At least that's what I got.

'past the tobacco-tinted glass.' is the best line in my opinion. It creates a real barrier in my mind between the man in the old record player shop and us of old, yellowed, dirty glass.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish