#1
Hey guys, thanks for taking a look. This is my latest piece of writing and the working title is New Day Rising, though I am still considering changing it so any ideas from you guys is much appreciated. It's the first song I've written in around 2 months, mainly because my last band are on hiatus due to University and working commitments. I've been jamming with a new band and have played a local gig with them.

They are a hard rock/metal band, with a heavy influence from Alter Bridge and QOTSA. This is my first time writing a metal song, I'm usually more at home within the Alt./Hard Rock writing genre so I'd appreciate you guys telling me what you think of this as my first foray into writing metal. I took alot of influence from Alter Bridge myself, having been a fan of theirs for years. Anywho sorry for the mini essay lol, here's the song. All crit will be returned, just drop me a link to the piece you want me to take a look at.

New Day Rising (Working Title):
(c) Toby Cunningham 29th August 2008


Verse 1:

Another day has been and gone,
And I start to wonder,
Where it all went wrong.
I fix my eyes,
Upon, the setting sun.
As it falls down from the sky.

Verse 2:

Our guiding star has lost it's way,
Without it's path to follow,
We are led astray.
The pieces falling apart,
Crashing down around us all,
We'll build again right from the start.

Chorus 1:

There's a new day rising,
Up from the ashes of our broken dreams,
We all comw out of hiding,
Tearing our fears apart from the seams.
Nothing in the way,
Nothing to make us stay,
Or to stop us from starting
A brand new day.

Verse 3:

I just need a quick release,
From what surrounds me,
I just need some (room/space*) to breathe. *Not sure which word to use*
Everything starting to crack,
The pressure doesn't ease the pain,
As the lights fade out to black.

Verse 4:

We all want some self-control,
To make our own minds up,
Something to help us reach our goals.
Everyone standing up tall,
Ready to make a final stand
We all hear the final call.

Chorus 2:

There's a new day rising,
Up from the ashes of our broken dreams,
We all comw out of hiding,
Tearing our fears apart from the seams.
Nothing in the way,
Nothing to make us stay,
Or to stop us from starting
A brand new day.

Bridge:

As we rise to our defence,
We open our eyes to see;
The bitter consequence,
Of the price we pay,
Every single day,
To make sure that we'll be free.

*Solo*

Final Chorus/Outro:

There's a new day rising,
Up from the ashes of our broken dreams,
We all comw out of hiding,
Tearing our fears apart from the seams.
Nothing in the way,
Nothing to make us stay,
Or to stop us from starting
A brand new day.

*Outro Solo*
Last edited by TobyFellrunners at Sep 2, 2008,
#2
I liked it. I'd use space there, but that's just me.


I like the verses...I'm assuming there's a pause between the, that's why you seperated them. Usually, I'd think that was one verse, but I like that you did that.


I can't find much wrong except little meaningless things like that. It sounds like Alter Bridge.

Crit mine, if you havse the time.
The Wheel of Time turns. What was may be again, and what is may yet pass...
#3
Hey guys, thanks for taking a look. This is my latest piece of writing and the working title is New Day Rising, though I am still considering changing it so any ideas from you guys is much appreciated. It's the first song I've written in around 2 months, mainly because my last band are on hiatus due to University and working commitments. I've been jamming with a new band and have played a local gig with them.

They are a hard rock/metal band, with a heavy influence from Alter Bridge and QOTSA. This is my first time writing a metal song, I'm usually more at home within the Alt./Hard Rock writing genre so I'd appreciate you guys telling me what you think of this as my first foray into writing metal. I took alot of influence from Alter Bridge myself, having been a fan of theirs for years. Anywho sorry for the mini essay lol, here's the song. All crit will be returned, just drop me a link to the piece you want me to take a look at.

New Day Rising (Working Title):
(c) Toby Cunningham 29th August 2008


Verse 1:

Another day has been and gone,
And I start to wonder,
Where it all went wrong.
I fix my eyes,
Upon, the setting sun.
As it falls down from the sky.

I like this verse it sets the scene well i wouldnt change anything really

Verse 2:

Our guiding star has lost it's way,
Without it's path to follow,
We are led astray.
The pieces falling apart,
Crashing down around us all,
We'll build again right from the start.

I Like this verse too its perfect accept the last line it kinda doesnt flow well with the rest. But its still good it really just depends how you sing it i quess
Chorus 1:

There's a new day rising,
Up from the ashes of our broken dreams,
We all comw out of hiding,
Tearing our fears apart from the seams.
Nothing in the way,
Nothing to make us stay,
Or to stop us from starting
A brand new day.

This finnishes alot better than the first two verses. I would leave this as it is.
Verse 3:

I just need a quick release,
From what surrounds me,
I just need some (room/space*) to breathe. *Not sure which word to use*
Everything starting to crack,
The pressure doesn't ease the pain,
As the lights fade out to black.

Perfect dont change it.

Verse 4:

We all want some self-control,
To make our own minds up,
Something to help us reach our goals.
Everyone standing up tall,
Ready to make a final stand
We all hear the final call.

I would miss the last line out and change it to "Ready to make the final call" insted or "Ready to make a final stand"
Chorus 2:

There's a new day rising,
Up from the ashes of our broken dreams,
We all comw out of hiding,
Tearing our fears apart from the seams.
Nothing in the way,
Nothing to make us stay,
Or to stop us from starting
A brand new day.

Bridge:

As we rise to our defence,
We open our eyes to see;
The bitter consequence,
Of the price we pay,
Every single day,
To make sure that we'll be free.

I Would mabey consider re-writing this bridge or atleast the first two lines.
*Solo*

Final Chorus/Outro:

There's a new day rising,
Up from the ashes of our broken dreams,
We all comw out of hiding,
Tearing our fears apart from the seams.
Nothing in the way,
Nothing to make us stay,
Or to stop us from starting
A brand new day.

*Outro Solo*


I would say over all its really good i like it. And yeah i quess it is alot like Alter Bridge but i quess you write like your influences like me.
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


Quote by goest
You raped someone with a knife, didn't you?
#4
The first verse seems fine, but I don't like the end of the second one. I would change the "right from the start" part to something else, it just sounds really um..basic? I don't know how to describe it, but it doesn't sound good.

The chorus is fine, except usually something is torn apart at the seams, not from them. You should definitely use "room" in the third verse, as space doesn't sound very good when said aloud.

The rest seems fine, the bridge a bit cheesy, but you can't have metal without a little cheese in there. I think it will sound good as long as the music is really excellent.

Thanks for the comments.
#5
I really liked this piece, the rhyme pattern is particularly interesting. I couldn't put it to music, but I did pick up on a typo. In the chorus, it should read 'come' instead of 'comw', and I would use 'space', seeing as I think 'room to breathe' is a little overused in songwriting. Nice work, though.
#6
I really like the broken rhyme pattern, and i really like the way you word things, its simple but not in the least cliche, absolutely awesome

I'm really liking this

Do me a favor and crit my song an incessant dance?
#7
Quote by Phoenix-Kun
I really like the broken rhyme pattern, and i really like the way you word things, its simple but not in the least cliche, absolutely awesome

I'm really liking this

Do me a favor and crit my song an incessant dance?


Thanks man. I'm glad you liked the rhyming pattern. I wanted to try something different when I was writing this song and it seems that people have responded to it in a positive way. I;ll get working on your song now man.

Again, many thanks for dropping in

-Toby
#8
Not bad. The rhyme scheme started to get predictable here and there but overall a decent piece
Write it down.
#9
i really liked it and i think i would use space its fits more to me. and with the chorus "Tearing our fears apart from the seams" i liked it but i think it would sound better with "tearing at our fears, away from the screams" but its your song and either way it sounds good and i really liked it.
#10
I really liked how you rhymed a lot, but its not in a typical ABAB rhyme scheme or anything. Personally I think when lines rhyme, it either makes or breaks the song. Here it definitely made it.

Just a couple suggestions:
In the last line of verse 2, I'd say "We'll build IT again right from the start". "It" just adds more direction.

Also, I'd say for your outro chorus, I'd start it off with "It's our new day rising" instead. This gives the last chorus a final push and makes it that little bit different from the others. But overall, I thought you did a great job.

Crit? (link in sig)
Last edited by cartoonydude707 at Oct 6, 2008,
#11
I like it. It almost seems like Power Metal to me, kind of like Dragonforce, but it has many other uses. I think where you couldn't decide, the word room works better; it just seems to keep the flow, but that's just my opinion. This song has real potential though, and with the right singer, and the right band, this could turn out amazing. If you'll do crit4crit, it's in my sig.
#12
That is really good.
The only problem I have with it is that it sounds exactly like an alterbridge song.
Like to the point where i could actually hear the music.
Put this song to "ties that bind" by Alterbridge. it fits perfectly...
idk if thats a bad thing...
#13
I think you might be reading too much into the fact that I was inspried by Alter Bridhe, in all honesty it sounds nothing like it, thanks for looking in though.
#14
i thought it was a very good song. It reminded me of Alter bridge alot, mainly in the chorus. But it is a very true song too, the lyrics really hit home, and i think most people can relate to them. Really good job, liked it alot.
#15
Verse 1:

Another day has been and gone,
And I start to wonder,
*How* it all went wrong.
I fix my eyes,
*On*, the setting sun.
As it falls down from the sky.

I like it. i don't know the rhythm but i thought those words fitted slightly better

Verse 2:

Our guiding star has lost it's way,
Without it's path to follow,
We are led astray.
The pieces falling apart,
Crashing down around us *though -*We'll build again right from the start.

The last two lines i thought fit better if they flow into one.
Chorus 1:

There's a new day rising,
Up from the ashes of our broken dreams,
We all comw out of hiding,
Tearing our fears apart from the seams.
Nothing in the way,
Nothing to make us stay,
Or to stop us from starting
A brand new day.

Really good chrorus

Verse 3:

I just need a quick release,
From what surrounds me,
I just need some (room*) to breathe.
Everything starting to crack,
The pressure doesn't ease the pain,
As *all* the lights fade out to black.

Verse 4:

We all want some self-control,
To make our own minds up,
Something to help us reach our goals.
Everyone standing up tall,
Ready to make a final stand
We all *heed* the final call.

Chorus 2:

There's a new day rising,
Up from the ashes of our broken dreams,
We all comw out of hiding,
Tearing our fears apart from the seams.
Nothing in the way,
Nothing to make us stay,
Or to stop us from starting
A brand new day.

Bridge:

As we rise to our defence,
*We begin to see;*
*The consequence,*
Of the price we pay,
Every single day,
To make sure that we'll be free.

Again I'm not too sure what sort of rhythm the song has but i edited a few words out. I think it makes it flow better, but once again awesome.
*Solo*

Final Chorus/Outro:

There's a new day rising,
Up from the ashes of our broken dreams,
We all comw out of hiding,
Tearing our fears apart from the seams.
Nothing in the way,
Nothing to make us stay,
Or to stop us from starting
A brand new day.

*Outro Solo*

Great song loved the lyrics keep them coming
Being my first critique i wouldn't take my advice too seriously though :L if you don't agree with the changes no worries
#16
ok, my choice is space for the line "i just need some (space/room) to breathe."

I am not entirely familiar with the metal style of writing, but the flow is certainly consistent throughout the song. i agree a lot with what aidzo_og said, though in the bridge i would keep the word 'bitter' in line 3. i think the chorus is very well-written, probably the best out of the stanzas, but the whole song is excellent. On the other hand, though, i don't know if i would listen to it, i am not big into metal.



-DTH
Last edited by Duct Tape Hero at Mar 3, 2009,
#17
I would say use neither room nor space, but rather "air to breathe"--as if transcending the cold and lifeless space of the present, and breaking free into the "great wide open" (Tom Petty? haha) and finding freedom among nature. One of my favorite songs lyrically is "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd. Absolutely beautiful. There is definitely something to be said for the imagery there, which is the only thing your work could use a touch of (IMHO). That said, your rhyme scheme IS fantastic, and the content is a pretty universal struggle of angst and ambition and the resistance faced in the midst of society. There is something impacting about powerful imagery and referrences to the cardio-vascular and resperatory systems. Suffocation and breathing are common in most types of energetic music. "Breathe / Breathe in the air". Ah, Floyd.
Doomsday Arsenal - alternative/progressive
Fender '08 Am Std Strat w/ CS69s > MXR Classic 108 Fuzz > JH-1B Wah > MXR Dyna Comp > EHX Big Muff Pi > Maxon OD9 > MXR Phase 90 > Ibanez CS9 > MXR Carbon Copy > Boss TU-2 > Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
#19
You can't use that title. Sorry but it is kinda already taken. And only douchebags steal people's song title. You are not a douchebag, because you like QOTSA. Also, it doesn't sound a lot like them. It does however, sound a lot like Alter Bridge. If thats what you're going for, well then good job. Its a pretty good song, seems a little melodramatic though.
Quote by Fassa Albrecht



I love you!


Quote by jibran
You live in Australia.


Bill Frisell Group
#20
Quote by afterthewar
You can't use that title. Sorry but it is kinda already taken. And only douchebags steal people's song title. You are not a douchebag, because you like QOTSA. Also, it doesn't sound a lot like them. It does however, sound a lot like Alter Bridge. If thats what you're going for, well then good job. Its a pretty good song, seems a little melodramatic though.


Seriously? Was there any need to bump this thread to say that? And who are you to say I can't use the title? It's my work, my song and that's the title I wrote it for. Just because there is another song from another band with the same name doesn't mean that name becomes unavailable to anyone else wanting to name one of their songs similarly.
#21
This is a really good song my friend, the chorus really flows and works and the rhyme and rhythm are great. I like it.

It's a regular point already made but the 'room' lyric seems to slide off the tongue. In Verse 2: "We'll build again right from the start" I'm sure you must have considered it and I'm probably wrong but maybe lose the 'right' so it flows a little better? Other than that, it seems good to go!