#1
So I have this thing about this place; it's a nice little hole in the wall that has grown exponentially over the years and I always find myself coming back to it to seek advice on first drafts, and

when I wonder why,
I see my compass only
points me north and west.

Spinning on its axis
deriving light from cold
dizzy when I wake up
confusing the floor with snow

but maybe I'm not delusional,
and maybe she's not dancing
with escape but simply flying
without the aid of duct tape

Speaking in rotarian terms,
we're talking atmosphere in
earnest, beauty belayed
screaming slopes that force

you to cope with the wrath
of the earth and her solid
confines from which we
have been freed to see
her from her summits

without psychotic prophets
prone to moving stones and
handing out eternal life.
So, worry not, my friends in strife,

Any of your lords will do the trick.
And for those without, the sun will suffice.

Latchkey sheep are soaring, too,
at majestic altitudes of
forty two thousand, six hundred thirty
soon they may retreat

or begin to drop bombs.

Whatever their decision,
I hope it coincides
with your choice of gods.

Printing out redundancies
and posting them on walls
will attract the moths -
yes, those suicidal pests
worth so bloody much
to the Buy-a-knees

Liver, contraption heart killer
Arsonist sinner sitting in the corner
Bridges have been collapsing on his
back for so long, he cannot walk across them.

And yet he wishes to not be broken
Please hold while he recovers the
ashes; reconstructing begins.

grip tornadoes with the nerves it takes to move
drive percussive forces from the lips with which
she soothes
Last edited by spike_8bkp at Sep 2, 2008,
#2
I never have any advice for you. I just enjoy your writing a lot and wished I was around when you posted more.

In most pieces I look for closure, coming full circle, an understanding. Your pieces are always like a journey. They start somewhere and end somewhere completely different and yet it feels so right.
This is not a pipe
#3
i agree almost completely with Carmel. she hit the nail on the head in her last sentence.
you take rhyme scheme, and structure, and mold them like play-dough; from what i can see, it all looks quite effortless.
so yeah, loved it.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#4
So much for the advice

Thanks, though, I appreciate it. I'm really enjoying both of your works that I've seen, too.

Anyone want to punch holes in the bb gun targets; please do.
#5
this deserves to be read.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
congratulation X1000.
this was well deserved my friend.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
The only bit I didn't love was the first verse. It just starts the flow, thats it. Why should the first verse be the one to get the ball rolling? Why must we have a ball? Why the hell is there a bloody ball?!!

- "So, worry not, my friends in strife," - This felt uncomfortable and broke the flow. You see normally I wouldn't care whether it broke the flow but this piece seems to focus on it so much that its hard to recognize another method of reading. If the flow is broken, it breaks hard. Kind of like if a drummer looses his footing in an important bass section... everything goes down the bogger'. Watch out for that.

- "And yet he wishes to not be broken" - I have yet to decide whether I like this line or not. It feels a little childish to suit the rest of it, but then again, there is a hidden child growing in this. Like a Calcium Kid.

- "Speaking in rotarian terms," - Don't like the word "rotarian".

- "Spinning on its axis
deriving light from cold
dizzy when I wake up
confusing the floor with snow" - Actually, now that I think about it, this verse doesn't really do a lot for me, except the last line. "Snow" is lovingly portrayed here, very simple and it works so well.

- "beauty belayed" - This feels like an ugly duckling, maybe it will grow up to be beautiful. A spotty teenager.

- "Speaking in rotarian terms,
we're talking atmosphere in
earnest, beauty belayed
screaming slopes that force

you to cope with the wrath" - Your odd line break here is a bit out there and doesn't coincide with any other similar happenings in the poem, so this could be better.

Eh, well thats about all I can say. I wracked my head trying to churn out these so be grateful!

Digitally Clean
#9
hey! this seems cool. I'm not sure I've ever been in a sticky before thanks!

edit: a critique! my thanks!

The only bit I didn't love was the first verse. It just starts the flow, thats it. Why should the first verse be the one to get the ball rolling? Why must we have a ball? Why the hell is there a bloody ball?!!

You know, I sat my homeless ass on a curb past midnight after I wrote this thing, reading it to my girlfriend as we ate, and then deciding that I wanted to figure out where it all came from, so I thought out loud to her for an hour trying to piece together my previous thoughts. This first part came to me while I was biking to work one night, and it wouldn't leave my head, so I wrote it down when I arrived, before we set up. It laid on the paper for three bands before I decided to write anything on it again, and when I continued, it had nothing to do with the first little line - so that's exactly what it is, it gets the ball rolling, but as you said, there shouldn't be a ball, and this doesn't fit. Thanks for seeing that.

- "So, worry not, my friends in strife," - This felt uncomfortable and broke the flow. You see normally I wouldn't care whether it broke the flow but this piece seems to focus on it so much that its hard to recognize another method of reading. If the flow is broken, it breaks hard. Kind of like if a drummer looses his footing in an important bass section... everything goes down the bogger'. Watch out for that.

I was worried about this one. I try to break out a bit, and I fail miserably. I'll work on it.

- "And yet he wishes to not be broken" - I have yet to decide whether I like this line or not. It feels a little childish to suit the rest of it, but then again, there is a hidden child growing in this. Like a Calcium Kid.

This part of the "poem" refers to a friend of mine who was recently hit head on by a car while on his scooter, and it's questionable as to whether he'll ever walk again. While I was in the hospital with him, he kept saying to me, "man, I just don't want to be broken anymore" and when you see your friend laying there without his left kneecap looking like robocop with the hardware in his bones and a great guitarist with two broken wrists, it's tough not to cry for him. So, that said; I fucking like it.

- "Speaking in rotarian terms," - Don't like the word "rotarian".

The keyboardist playing the show at work that night was playing through a Leslie. Purely environmental.

- "Spinning on its axis
deriving light from cold
dizzy when I wake up
confusing the floor with snow" - Actually, now that I think about it, this verse doesn't really do a lot for me, except the last line. "Snow" is lovingly portrayed here, very simple and it works so well.

When I practice this out loud, this stanza gets me every time - it's rather sour until that last line, which only ends where I wanted it to go, but took the not-so-scenic route. Thanks for the confirmation on that

- "beauty belayed" - This feels like an ugly duckling, maybe it will grow up to be beautiful. A spotty teenager.

Keeping with the rock/climbing theme, I like it, and I think it sounds cool.

- "Speaking in rotarian terms,
we're talking atmosphere in
earnest, beauty belayed
screaming slopes that force

you to cope with the wrath" - Your odd line break here is a bit out there and doesn't coincide with any other similar happenings in the poem, so this could be better.

For some reason, when I write things down in my notebook, it always comes out with this bland, four line stanza poetry crap, I don't know why. It's been happening more and more often recently, and it's something I need to break out from. Freeform!

thanks very much. I'm planning on performing this one at a big poetry slam in Charlotte either on Friday or at their next one in October, so these notes will help greatly in helping me to not have my ass handed to me so violently, as it has in the past. my gratitude, once again!
Last edited by spike_8bkp at Sep 8, 2008,
#10
Congratulations by the way, just forgot to say it. Well deserved. Its a custom to say that and I don't want to seem irritable and unsociable.