#1
A bit lost currently. Can't find an edge. c4c


I am bland.
Let me be your stale tortilla;
wrap around your slender chicken legs
like a blanket of unsavory flavor.
Bland am I.

I am a lost cause.
Twelve flavors of molded chocolate syrup,
poured on top of melted plastic ice cream.
Sitting in a broken bowl on a counter-top,
just waiting to be washed clean.
A lost cause am I.

Yet, I can't help but feel a movement
in my toes. The type of tingle that reminds
us that I'm only living until I die. So I may as well
take someone with me.

I am a free falling tree.
The best part about being chopped down at the ankles is
picking whom to crush.
An oak with a vengeance am I.
#2
I really liked (except for 4 words) all of the first two stanzas, 'melted plastic ice cream' 'slender chicken legs' especailly.

However, the whole thing... it feels kind of wavery. Like, one moment you're lost, deflated and bland and then in stazna three you 'can't help but feel the... tingle'. Why is that? I suppose I could infer that it's the 'tingle of revenge/vindictiveness' as it were, but I'm not sure if that's clear. or if i'm mising something entirely.

'counter-top of insecurity' I plain didn't like. what exactly is a counter-top of insecurity? You just seem to have stretched a metaphor to breaking point.

'in my toes. The type of tingle that reminds' lovely to say

'So I may as well
take someone with me.' and then there's this leap that I don't get. Why may you as well take someone with you? Because... you feel like being a bit of a bastard? lol. If you were going for being a bastard all along then why is the first half so tame... and if you weren't going that at all, I don't understand why it happens in stanza three.

The imagery of ankles I think is great, really does call up an image of the beginnings of the roots of those huge trees you see.

The only part of the analogy i don't like (and this is very minor i'm quite happy to go with it, it's just if you were being REALLY fussy) is that 'picking whom to crush.' because of the images you've used to set it up, trees don't get to pick where they fall when they're cut down. Maybe something more self-destructive would make that work?

EDIT: Oh no, wait, looking at the title I think I get it now and I retract the criticism regarding the start of stanza three.

EDIT2: KitKat Golems .

Yeah and also I do think you got it across quite well I was just being a bit obtuse, if you pay attention to the title I think you do get across what you wanted to. And as I say the tree thing does work and the rest of it works so well that i'd just leave it in.
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Last edited by meh! at Sep 3, 2008,
#3
Hey mate.

I obviously did not make this say things as well as I had hoped. This is all sort of ust describing my life right now, I'm in this sort of quandry between boredom and being pissed off. But, it all leaves me feeling a bit bland.

The jump was supposed to be set off with a tone change (hence the different style of "structure"), almost as a split personalities thing. One side that is content to be boring forever, and the other side that wants to go down in some form of glory.

Also, the tree metaphor is something a bit personal... I lost a family member to a tree that fell over during a storm.

Oh, and I'll take out "of insecurity" and just leave counter-top. I believe you are right.

Edit in a link, I'll get back to you.
#5
first two things i think when i start to read this is that 1) - it's directly about the writer and writer's bad feelings, and that, for me, anyway, ... red flag, - see how it pans out, what direction it takes, does it at least get better?, etc., and 2) - starts out writing about food. i dont like n't'all. cant think of any lyric besides country pie by bobbie that ive ever liked descriptions of food in. maybe i had a bad experience with nirvana's mexican seafood. (chicken legs....shudder )

anyway, those are my first two immediate impressions. and they're both, well, theyre both pretty much in the negative.

so, imo, it sucks until melted plastic ice cream. that is a great line.

unfortunately, imo, it sucks after that. that is, until

The best part about being chopped down at the ankles is
picking whom to crush.
An oak with a vengeance am I.


this ending actually made it worth reading, and these last three sentences can be really delved into in themselves, separate from the seeming overall meaning of your poem.

back to 'it sucks'. what i mean by that, is that you seem to be using a very very common literary device, the analogy trio, along with cliche, to describe you as being bland and a lost cause. that you're 'unsavory flavor', a broken ice craem bowl, and youre only living untill i die . and that you should take someone with you is out of the blue, but also uses the cliche. also, maybe 'a free falling tree' isn't cliche, but i think that 'a falling tree' prob is, and 'a free falling tree' may be a little too close for comfort.

but its like read the last line from the first and second stanzas, and then read the last line from the fourth stanza. the fourth stanza's last line is like so many times better. its class. first two last lines def. aren't.

so again, those lines i liked, they made it a worthwhile read, esp since it closed on 3 of the 4. i don't want to suggest what you should do with this poem because that is very presumptuous. but you could probably tell what i would say anyway . servus Moin Moin
Last edited by parkt921k at Sep 3, 2008,
#6
I liked it better than the other one. It has character and I can tell it's you. I didn't think the "am I" at the end was needed. I mean, I know it's a play on the title, but I think it would have been even a bigger play if you left it out.

I agreed with some of Stu's comments as well, but I just liked it so much better than the other one that I think I'll leave it at that.

This is not a pipe
#7

yo-yo-yoda.
I can't add anything tbh. Waste of a comment, it is.
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#8
It sounds like you made a hell of a day out of sitting at your kitchen table, bored perhaps. You might take advantage of your polarity more; it helps.
#9
I don't like how you ditched the "I am/am I" thing for one stanza and then picked it up again. It seemed like a needless interruption to the flow. Actually, the whole third stanza bothers me. I know it was necessary to convey the meaning behind this poem, but I feel it could have been done more subtlely. I'm not sure how to change it, but I think it needs changing. Other than that, I thought this was really good, and if you get a chance:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=945016
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#10
The third stanza was really the only thing I liked here. I know starting with the premise that you are bland was supposed to take some of the blandness away, but it did the opposite for me. Without the first stanza (or with a different choice of first and last lines at least) I might have been able to dive right into this and get caught up. The second stanza has a lot of nice imagery to offer, but it's overshadowed by the fact that you've already identified that you're bored with this piece. With that in my mind, the imagery then became a mode of your boredom, solely intent on enhancing mine.

Sorry, but this just didn't hit me at all.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#11
Well obviously I'm going to say the last verse is awesome... but will I mention what I don't like? **** yes!
...
Its too plastic! I feel like you attempted to discover every single word that optimizes the sensation of plastic and have then totally drawn it out because you don't know what else to say.
I can certainly see the relevance, and the fact that you mentioned you are missing an edge in your current work sugars it slightly, but it also salts it. Repeating the idea of desperation and closure inside a world of barbie dolls and tupaware containers is indeed eventful, but it just didn't feel correct here.
It felt like this should of been a total rant, a total and utter assault at everything that both whittles his own hair to the shine of the sun, barks at the moon to the ever changing discomfort and confusion of why the hell we can't just have light all the time and everything else in between!
Of course, I know why we need the darkness, but thats the point: I would of loved to of read you being absolutely outrageous and eratic, to the point of innacurate accusations and hopeless statements of sadistic aggrivation.

Thank you for reaching mine, mate. I've been writing a few things that you may find have improved since my last endevours.

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