#1
Like the travel guide says: It’s
a culture of many layers and
a country of many beauties.
It is very
articulately put, intricately designed;
like origami -
you admire the result
but cannot
figure out its construction.

So we wrote our own guide
of how
in Japan
the air smells of white chocolate
and
at nights
the stars
shed glittery substance
on cherry tree orchards
which makes them glow in the sunlight
even more.

We wrote that aquatic crustaceans
climb to shore
every morning
to answer the call of the fishermen,
playing Per Gynt
on carved wooden flutes.

And the cars in Japan run on soy sauce,
just like they should.

Next year we’ll be in Japan.
Just not this one.

I suddenly don’t feel like going.
This is not a pipe
#2
Loved it loved it. The way the last line is so underwhelming just makes it seem so bitter. I barely even noticed a tone shift at all, which makes it a very distinct ending... while still being abit unsatisfying, due to the fact we know nothing about why.

I don't know, I'm rambling, but I liked it.
#3
Wow wow wow. WOW.

Beautiful.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#4
Your last few poems have really got to me.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
That closure you were talking about; you're ahead of it and behind it admirably. Simple is often the most beautiful and eloquence is apparent with little quips of references that a fraction of your audience will understand, but they, and I, will take them to heart no matter what.

I agree with your insinuations, though, and it's my speculation that most people that travel (throughout the world, their backyard, in their head, etc.) that are truly looking for something they are not yet familar with know that travel brochures are bullshit, and contain mostly things you can find in your living room, which is somewhat unoriginal for travel agents - unless they haven't quite traveled yet. I would go to your described Japan.
#6
I'd have a comma after soy sauce, just to emphasis that next clause a little bit more.

I wanted to tear you apart so you would do likewise but you're smelly and I can't type with one hand whilst the other pinches my nose.
#7
Thank you guys so much. I really appreciate it.

I added a comma just for you, Jamie.

Also, if any of you that I didn't get to yet want me to look at something... just PM me or something.
This is not a pipe
#8
If you could leave as little words as I did here I'd appreciate it. Heck, even just a number from 0-10.

<3
#9
I've been swearing a lot recently, a lot of situations seem to be arising where they are fitting.

Zack pointed out my favourite bit from this, the ending. He explained it better than I could of done.

Your line breaks are absolutely gorgeous. I don't think I've ever referred line breaks as being gorgeous before. Its like you write, how one speaks, but you have this blend of humanity and its off beat and sometimes inaccurate wobbling's with a combined sense of perfection and god-like *said in really low-as-hell voice like in Unreal Tournament* precision.

Ohh la laa! Very sexy writing indeed.

Digitally Clean
#10
One day you'll post a really crap piece and I'll kick you when you're down.

But for now, I'll say I really liked this. The ending made it happen as I'm sure you know. Although, while the content felt like Carmel the line breaks didn't. Idk whether you were experimenting or going for the stuttery approach but I can't quite wrap my around them.
#11
this is excellent. i love reading stuff from you.
i don't know how much of it is based on yourself, but i love the voice, tone, mood of the persona in your pieces.
#13
i believe that i have never made a comment on your writing before, but this time i had to.


And the cars in Japan run on soy sauce,
just like they should.

Next year we’ll be in Japan.
Just not this one.

I suddenly don’t feel like going.

what a turnaround. up to this part you had created such a sense of wonder and beauty in japan, then you give a little smirk with the soy sauce line, and BAM! i don't want to go. it comes as such a shock, but it works oh so well. it drags you back to these lines

you admire the result
but cannot
figure out its construction.

maybe i just have origami on the mind, but it is almost like the poem folds back on itself. really wonderful.
#14
I have a question about the origin of this writing. Is it from your experiences there?
"Is that the fucking bible?"

"That's Holy Fucking Bible to you"
#15
The Ye Olde Warlock has said my thoughts.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#16
I admire this piece. It has a concrete meaning that is deliberate and not hinted, and not intrepretitive, and yet the reader arrives at that meaning through delicately crafted images and wordplay. That is all too rare. I, personally, did not care for the line breaks of the first stanza. Not that they were particularly awkward, but this was so fluidly written that they were simply unnecessary. Like pulling out a few too many tricks when the audience is already on your side. Great work.

On the meaning itself, I have often found that if you go searching for what you see in the travel brochures, and immerse yourself in it, you will usually find it. However, if you go expecting it, and looking for the wizard behind the curtain, you will be disappointed. Your profile says Israel and I don't know you personally, but this sounds like something that a British person would write. Having lived amongst them, romanticism is not among their many admirable traits.

If'n you have a chance, you could check my newest in my sig.