#1
somebody.

fell asleep
counting pennies
and glancing over
a book i -

- awoke in a passage
fixated
from a book
i read as a child.
felt like Atreyu.
wanted some kind of closure
before i laid back down.
so i closed up
the book;
and closed up
my eyes;
i closed up
my mind;
love is a good -

- book on the table
keeps drawing me in.
can't count pennies
if i can't stay awake;
can't read my book
if i -

- woke up just a little
bit ago.
i'm an old man, now.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#2
Ugh, that last line was tediousness personified. I mean, way to "phut" an ending. It feels so passive, so "uhuh yeah, theme etc", so functional, it just was dead on arrival.

The strucutre is done okay, it's nothing hugely inventive or satisfying. The close repeats of book near the start irked. The second stanza felt odd, too, in that I really didn't feel it linked nicely together. From child book to realising love is good, eh, it never really felt like we realised it with you, you know? It's just you told us that you've now realised it, and all we have of evidence is, well, nothing, unless the trio of "ups" is supposed to help us, the reader. It felt awkward, suddenly putting that in when the reader isn't even thinking about love, it as a theme hasn't even been introduced.

The third stana felt just fine, and if the second was improved in that it offered more angles, let us feel a little more of what this moment of the childs book etc. meant, what it was about, this third stanza would be the muddled changeup. Instead, the reader has already been thrown in the second stanza, and so this thrid one only serves to confuse us more, until we come to an ending which performs it's function in that it reminds us of the theme so we can all coo and go "aaww, wasn't that nice". If we'd got into your head a bit more in S2, then were brought into a more confusing place in S3, the ending might have fitted more appropriately, but as it is it feels muddled in the middle, functional at the end. Nothing really stricking thematically or emotionally.

My thoughts, Kenty.

<3
#3
I agree with Jammy on the end. Simply "now an old man" might work better. The rest was a little too much for me right now. It read good, that's all I can say at the moment. I'll be aback later to finish the job.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#4
i see almost exactly where you guys are coming from.
thank you so much for taking the time.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5
Alright here it goes. I enjoyed this, but not for the reasons I normally do with your writing. Usually it's due to crazy perspective, deep insights, warm/fuzzy feelings... pretty much everything you get from being stoned (yes, your writing makes me high on life). This time was much different though. The only notable imagery at all was the counting of the pennies, but that didn't seem an issue. My major enjoyment with this came from the fact that I had to work to figure it out. It was like a good mystery movie, I had to go over it a few times and kept coming to different conclusions.

Aside from the ending which I already mentioned, my only other problem was the beginning of the second stanza. I assume you mean it to read as "I awoke in a passage - fixated - from a book I read as a child". Even though I know this, because of the way you've written it I can't help but continuously read it as "I awoke in a passage, fixated, from [etc..]" and have to keep going back and rereading it as I move along, because it makes little sense that way.

And if I'm just going on about that, you can tell I liked it
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#6
Nothing felt bad, I can't section anything from this in the words especially. It contained a nifty idea that could of been more transcendent, but thats all I can say really.

On the other hand...
"Counting pennies" is a lovely combination, it has such humble beginnings and is quite honest. I do feel like you missed up on an opportunity with it though in a way.
It just all feels a little tedious, almost... soppy and slow.
A retarded poem, if you know what I mean? Maybe it was the line breaks, maybe it was your particular style, which I know is very varied and experimentative, that didn't suit this style very fittingly?