#1
Bloated, bloated fish am I, bumbling
through the schools, lazily swaddling
in and out of the silent sips, the
touch of lips, flicks, starts and fins.
Humbled but not better equipped,
still scales rip and tear to bear new
skins. Raptor father, crocodile cousin,
I the father of the dirt cunt and mud-
brushed earth scum. Spools spin me,
whirpools whip around, the spots on
the underside of my belly swirl like
black-on-gold tie-dye, hippyfish, bloated.
Bloated fish, am I, stickling the ceiling
of the sea, top-wing edging into the
bland crest of gentle waves. Swim straight,
eyes closed most the time, think of
fingers crossed, belts buckled. Let
the sweet relief of water grate my gills,
whether here or there it never tickles.
Always thought it might, never has.
My fat face farts and boats and swaggles,
horn-rimmed with the ugliness of a
black bat scorning through the midnight
sky. Not here, not anywhere here, but
back there on the grey streets, bricks.
Remember the blariness, hear the
dum-dum of intimidated heartbeats,
stress of work, play, love and loss.
Those rains, sunshines, storms. Wind.
Now the light blues of the sea surface,
a big tub between here and there,
sunshine and rain. Bloated, bloated
fish am I, flick-finned and tail-driven
but letting the currents decide.
I'd like to glide on the crest like they
do at the break, on the white surf,
the crash and humdrum of a crowded
front, red-skinned and twiddling thumbs.
Bloated, bloated fish am I, saying left
then waiting till the moon flies west,
bluddering and bludgeoning the
undertones through to stronger
fighters, storm surges, paraphrase,
quote tags and mock jubilation.

Bloated fish I am, lazily swaddling in and
out of the sharp-tongued sips and severed
whips, the touch of lips kiss, flicks, starts
and fins.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Sep 3, 2008,
#2
Read my new piece and then read your title. To me, they have a very similar feel. It was interesting.

Regarding your actual piece, I haven't read it yet. If, when I do, my head hasn't exploded...I'll let you know what I thought.
#3
Best piece i've read by you. Good idea with brilliant execution. Hands down. I'm not in the mood to crit it now and I don't know if there's anything i'd change anyway.

Are you fan of Seamus heaney, by the way?

EDIT: Personally I'd have this as piece of the month or, whatever other awards there are.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
Last edited by meh! at Sep 3, 2008,
#4
Quote by meh!

Are you fan of Seamus heaney, by the way?



He is my inspiration for use of sonics, yes. Along with Simon Armitage.

Thanks you two. I blogged on the meaning of this if anyone's interested.
#5
I have nothing else to add, I agree with Stu completely.
I just don't want this to drop to the second page.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#6
Quote by Jammydude44

At first glance, looking at the structure kind of makes it look scary to read and crit, but Frost entered my mind, so I got over it...


Bloated, bloated fish am I, bumbling
through the schools, lazily swaddling
in and out of the silent sips, the
touch of lips, flicks, starts and fins.

Well said....I like the repetition starting out this piece...It's different. I also like the rhyming you have here and the flow was great, so far so good

Humbled but not better equipped,
still scales rip and tear to bear new
skins. Raptor father, crocodile cousin,
I the father of the dirt cunt and mud-
brushed earth scum. Spools spin me,
whirpools whip around, the spots on
the underside of my belly swirl like
black-on-gold tie-dye, hippyfish, bloated.

Great use of alliteration in this part....Still keeping the structure and tone and flow. There's nothing wrong with this....me likey

Bloated fish, am I, stickling the ceiling
of the sea, top-wing edging into the
bland crest of gentle waves. Swim straight,
eyes closed most the time, think of
fingers crossed, belts buckled. Let
the sweet relief of water grate my gills,
whether here or there it never tickles.

AWESOME

Always thought it might, never has.
My fat face farts and boats and swaggles,
horn-rimmed with the ugliness of a
black bat scorning through the midnight
sky. Not here, not anywhere here, but
back there on the grey streets, bricks.

So far, I don't think critiquing this would do you any good since I think everything here is flawless

Remember the blariness, hear the
dum-dum of intimidated heartbeats,
stress of work, play, love and loss.
Those rains, sunshines, storms. Wind.
Now the light blues of the sea surface,
a big tub between here and there,
sunshine and rain. Bloated, bloated
fish am I, flick-finned and tail-driven
but letting the currents decide.
I'd like to glide on the crest like they
do at the break, on the white surf,
the crash and humdrum of a crowded
front, red-skinned and twiddling thumbs.
Bloated, bloated fish am I, saying left
then waiting till the moon flies west,
bluddering and bludgeoning the
undertones through to stronger
fighters, storm surges, paraphrase,
quote tags and mock jubilation.


Bloated fish I am, lazily swaddling in and
out of the sharp-tongued sips and severed
whips, the touch of lips kiss, flicks, starts
and fins.

Again, awesome...



This is the best that I've ever seen from you man...to me this piece is flawless. Great idea behind, great flow...the only thing that got to me was that there was no spacing in the structure to ease the piece some....Other than dude, you earned an A+++


I don't think my piece is crit worth after reading this, but you could always take a gander:
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=951003
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#7
Thankyou for your comments. I'll get back to you.

Anyone have anything more constructive, something I can work with in the future ?
#8
*scours for criticism*

....

twiddling thumbs.

I didn't like that you broke physically from the fish idea. The power of the piece comes, partly, from the adherence to the metaphor.


...

Yeh that's it
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#9
It just keeps on going! How you managed to evoke so many loving images and words is beyond me as a pathetic human.

It lacked simplicity though, a little break from all the mush (great mush) would of sweetened the deal.

Thats all I can say, I apologize for my bluntness.

Digitally Clean
#10
This was good. Often I find that the structure of your pieces doesn't actually reflects the content but here I thought it was very well suited. The entire thing felt to me like being out at sea and the waves of words keep washing me over and then every once in a while there was this moment when the waves lift you up and you get to gain that fresh full breath of air, with quips of pure emotion integrated into this waterfall of flow and rhythm.

I think you've achieved what you were going for and done so very well.
This is not a pipe
#11
very well done my friend. i felt that the long stanza and the short stanza simply reflected your thought process and that was interesting. enjoyed the repetition. i also like the informality to it, it definitely worked in the piece and made it feel very, i dunno, real i guess. i liked reading it even though the long stanza did make things a bit hard on the ole' eyes.

just returning a comment that you left on one of my pieces a month or so ago...
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"
#12
I don't feel that the structure or length of this would have suited it at all if it was on any other subject matter, but it did, so well done. The first couple of times I read this it dragged, but it didn't afterwards (trust me, I've told myself I'd have something to say about this since the day you posted it and kept on coming back to read it... and going off again).

The rhythm was wonderful, as was the word choice, as was the subject matter.

There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
a very elegant, very satisfying read. as everyone else said its just kind of way too hard to critique this, so instead of enjoying it while thinking at the same time about critiques, I just enjoyed it. And you do feel a bit as if youre in the middle of the sea while reading. i think elegant is a great way to describe this. one note, though, shouldnt the title be bloated fish? just putting that out there. I really didnt get the title. besides that, it's very, very good
#14
i agree with what most people have said about this.
the structure was a little imposing imo. it just felt a little draining to read. if it wasn't so well written then i would have quit reading after several lines.
it's well worked though. fantastic use of language.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(