#1
A song I guess. Been stuck for awhile, but I'm going to try to be more productive now. I'll return any comments left here.


I defaced my old atlas, drew in my own borders
Laughing to myself as I overthrew world order
But I was all alone with my thoughts so unreal
I shook to myself "this is what God must feel."
When he takes back his world,
That loan we had gone cold.

I used to know a gymnast girl she could bend her will
To the sound of an accordion or her own heart beating still
She would always say it's all much harder than it seems.
I always wished that I could balance on those beams
That always seem so small
So high above us all.

I never thought it'd be so hard to make you give up on me,
I did myself a favour long ago and abandoned this body
So why are you still here?
There's nothing left to see.
There's only bones and trees.
#2
Quote by rush4life
A song I guess. Been stuck for awhile, but I'm going to try to be more productive now. I'll return any comments left here.


I defaced my old atlas, drew in my own borders
Laughing to myself as I overthrew world order
But I was all alone with my thoughts so unreal
I shook to myself "this is what God must feel."
When he takes back his world,
That loan we had gone cold.
I love this verse the imagery is amazing and the 4th line is just amazing word play

I used to know a gymnast girl she could bend her will
To the sound of an accordion or her own heart beating still
She would always say it's all much harder than it seems.
I always wished that I could balance on those beams
That always seem so small
So high above us all.
I'm not exactly sure how this ties into the story that first verse started in my head and i didn't really understand how "So high above us all" ties into it... this verse seems to tell another story... other than that i like the word play

I never thought it'd be so hard to make you give up on me,
I did myself a favour long ago and abandoned this body
So why are you still here?
There's nothing left to see.
There's only bones and trees.
I like it but it seems short compared to the rest of the song... i also think this ties into the first verse alot better than the first verse



i'd like to hear this put to music. can you crit my newest one My Own Madness
#3
The rhyme scheme really did a good bit of harm to this piece, imo. The way you phrase things unnaturally to fit the rhyme, such as S1-L3, ruined any meaning you were trying to get across. Instead of focusing on what you were saying, I was forced to focus upon how you were saying it. Certain rhymes are excellent, such as the opening one, because it feels natural - like it just happened to rhyme by accident - but the rest...meh.

My suggestion is, obviously, to tone down the rhyming. Get rid of a few words here and there (such as 'all' after 'high above us'), add others if necessary. It just becomes very weak as it progresses, and I see this a lot, because it looks as if you had one really good rhyme in your head, then tried to force the rest to fit it. I've never really liked this rhyme scheme in any piece, mainly because it is so hard to make it sound good without making it overwhelming. It would be just as easy, and more enjoyable, to have maybe one or two rhymes per verse (which includes inside ones) instead of structuring the whole thing around it. So right now, the only thing I really loved about this was the first two lines, but the rest could easily become much better with a little work.


Would love a comment on my newest if you get the time
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=950534
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#4
I must say that this i s great! I sung it as if it had a melody, and it flowed great! The beats stand out smoothly, and i think you have done a wonnderful job. What inspired you to write this? Is it an everyday thing, or somthing that cought you by suprise one day? Anyways keep up the good work!

Kom23
#5
Quote by Billyjson
The rhyme scheme really did a good bit of harm to this piece, imo. The way you phrase things unnaturally to fit the rhyme, such as S1-L3, ruined any meaning you were trying to get across. Instead of focusing on what you were saying, I was forced to focus upon how you were saying it. Certain rhymes are excellent, such as the opening one, because it feels natural - like it just happened to rhyme by accident - but the rest...meh.

My suggestion is, obviously, to tone down the rhyming. Get rid of a few words here and there (such as 'all' after 'high above us'), add others if necessary. It just becomes very weak as it progresses, and I see this a lot, because it looks as if you had one really good rhyme in your head, then tried to force the rest to fit it. I've never really liked this rhyme scheme in any piece, mainly because it is so hard to make it sound good without making it overwhelming. It would be just as easy, and more enjoyable, to have maybe one or two rhymes per verse (which includes inside ones) instead of structuring the whole thing around it. So right now, the only thing I really loved about this was the first two lines, but the rest could easily become much better with a little work.


Would love a comment on my newest if you get the time
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=950534


Yeah I was kind of in a phase where I was listening to a lot of songs with rhyming all the time, so I think I just kept trying to duplicate that. I hate the "unreal" one, it doesn't fit at all.

I will look at yours right now.
#6
Quote by rush4life
A song I guess. Been stuck for awhile, but I'm going to try to be more productive now. I'll return any comments left here.


I defaced my old atlas, drew in my own borders
Laughing to myself as I overthrew world order
But I was all alone with my thoughts so unreal
I shook to myself "this is what God must feel."
When he takes back his world,
That loan we had gone cold.

I really enjoy this intro, the use of imagery is great, although you could do with toning down the rhyming as it seems a little forced in some parts. e.g. the "Unreal, feel" rhyme. This seems like you have made the second line weaker in oreder to accomodate the rhyme in it. The first two lines are very strong and the rhyming in them works well as oppposed to the next two lines. I have to say the last line confused me a little, it doesn't seem to make sense when read with the rest of the stanza.

I used to know a gymnast girl, she could bend her will
To the sound of an accordion, or her own heart beating still
She would always say it's all much harder than it seems;
I always wished that I could balance on those beams.
That always seem so small
So high above us all.

This stanza suffers a little due to the lack of punctuation in it. As a result the lines all run together and don't allow the reader to get a sense of rhythm as they did while reading the opening stanza. I've put some punctuation in to help you see what I mean by making it read better. As for other stuff I'd lose a few words like "Girl" and "Or" and change the last two lines, maybe putting them into one line, because on their own, they are quite short and abrupt.

I never thought it'd be so hard to make you give up on me,
I did myself a favour long ago and abandoned this body
So why are you still here?
There's nothing left to see.
There's only bones and trees.

This was my least favourite stanza, as it is the weakest both thematically and structurally. I can see the idea you are trying to put across but you haven't really done it justice. The opening line is strong, perhaps ending it with ; rather than a comma would be better. but after this it goes downhill. The next line is too long to follow on from the long opening line, so get rid of "long ago" as the words add nothing to the line, it works just as well without them, and doesn't take anything away from the line by getting rid of these words. You recover from the bad start with two very good ending lines, the use of repetition is a very nice touch.



All in all I rally enjoyed this piece. Work on the few things we've pointed out and it should improve greatly. Could you take a look at my laest piece, New Day Rising, here's the link: New Day Rising (Working Title)

I'd really appreciate you letting me know what you thing of it. Keep up the good work!
#7
Quote by rush4life
A song I guess. Been stuck for awhile, but I'm going to try to be more productive now. I'll return any comments left here.

I defaced my old atlas, drew in my own borders
Laughing to myself as I overthrew world order
An amazing opening.
But I was all alone with my thoughts so unreal
I shook to myself "this is what God must feel."
When he takes back his world,
That loan we had gone cold.
These last two lines feel a little detached by the third person aspect. Maybe include them in the speech marks too, to remind the reader of the narrator? Also, it's a little cliche in comparison to the rest of the stanza, which is pretty inventive.

I used to know a gymnast girl she could bend at her will (This way sounds less awkward.)
To the sound of an accordion or her own heart beating still
I don't see how the accordion is relevant, and the flow stumbles very slightly here.
She would always say it's all much harder than it seems.
I always wished that I could balance on those beams
That always seem so small
So high above us all.
These last 3 lines are fantastic.

I never thought it'd be so hard to make you give up on me,
I did myself a favour long ago and abandoned this body
Not sure about this, seems like you're being a little too obvious with your subject matter.
So why are you still here?
There's nothing left to see.
There's only bones and trees.
A great ending.


You kept to a relatively simple rhyme scheme without it sounding forced or dull, and there's some great poeticism in here. Good work.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=945016
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

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