#1
I know - wall of text so don't bother replying if you can't be asked to read it all. This is deadly personal and serious to me that I don't really want an idiotic remark

Embrace yourself for a story that I feel the need to vent.

I'm sorry for the slightly ambiguous thread title - I didn't really know how to word it. I'm talking about problems within your outer family like cousins and uncles etc. I need to explain my situation otherwise you probably won't understand what I mean.
My inner family and I are very independant people such that we don't really see much of our relatives. In fact, I count the last time I saw my counsins to be about 4 years ago. If anything, I only seem my counsins on special occassions such as weddings which come once in a blue moon. The only exception to this is my Uncle Eddie on my father's side who comes to help me build things (for example, my Koi Pond).

I just got a call from my Uncle P. (on my mother's side) a while ago asking me to pick him up from the airport because he'd just come back from Malaysia where he settled down with his wife and son. Apparently, things didn't turn out so well because he kept telling how everyone screwed him up and believe me it's not the first time. I meet with him about once every few years and in all those ocassions, we have met up because something happened to him (he needs my help etc).
It all started when I wasn't even born. My mother just got married to my father in Hong Kong, where she was brought up with 4 brothers. After my parents had me, my family decided to settle in the UK where my Uncle P (the youngest in the family) was to move in the UK to start a Catering career. My other 3 uncles had different lifestyles - one has a battery factory in HK, the other started up a Chinese Restaurant in Glasgow and another one who I'm ashamed to say is a triad member on the run somewhere in China after he was caught in his activities back in HK. Don't ask me any questions - I've never seen the latter in my life.

The funding for Uncle P came from my family (my mother and father). Uncle P lived with up for a few years working at our Chinese Restaurant. Eventually for reasons still unknown to me, he was kicked out of our house and got fired by my father. He then went to live with his brother in Glasgow and then was kicked out. After that, he moved to my grandparents house and again was kicked out.
Ever since that moment my parents kicked him out, he has had more jobs than anyone who could have lived 5 lifetimes. He has gone from job A to B to C to D etc, etc. He's had jobs in over 20 different Chinese restaurants and was fired at all of them, got laid off at Virgin Atlantic, got fired from a Pastery factory - etc etc. He has lived and worked in over 6 different countries from the UK, Malaysia, Italy, Canada, HK, China, Australia, Ireland etc. It wasn't until he met his wife and had a kid that he lasted the longest at a job - making food for Virgin Atlantic Airlines. He got a mortgage which he still hasn't paid off and was subsequently fired from Virgin. His wife and kid then emigrated to Malaysia where he was promised financial backing - while he was given that, he lived with in inlaws who drove him crazy - which is why he's back here. Uncle P is a very sensitive person - the last big thing to happen to him was a dip in his marriage where he lived in Manchester for 6 months at a motel while his wife and son went back to Malaysia.

Anyway - I'll finish the story where I started. He called me out of the blue to pick him up from Heathrow. He has no car, no job and he thinks he wants to stay in the UK forever while his son and wife are never coming back to the UK. I just dropped my Uncle P to an old friend of ours. He wants to stay there for no more than a month because he thinks it's quite embarassing to stay there on his part.

Some notes to consider:
- He has never talked to anyone in my inner and outer family besides me and my sister in a good 15-20 years. The last time he came round - he parked a mile away from my house because he didn't want to get anywhere close to my immediate family. Consequently, the story above spans within this time frame.
- He seems like the type to go suicide
- He doesn't like to look at my sister when he talks to her because she, "reminds me of your mother".
- He hasn't been to any of our family weddings
- This is his - probably - 10th time back in the UK to find another job. The last time he came round (excluding this time), was for 3 days and that was to claim back pictures of his son. He then scouted off somewhere in Milan.
- Whenever I see him, he tells me never to tell anyone he's back in the UK. He called me again when I dropped him off to remind me. He says, he doesn't have much money. I didn't dare to ask.
- Everyone in my family as far as I know has outcast him
- He sleeps everyday with a picture of his son underneath his pillow. His son is now 6

Sorry to vent off like this. The story above probably doesn't make any sense but whatever - it makes me feel better. He depresses me so much. I don't know what to do. It's like he brought this burden on me. Please feel free to ask questions if you don't understand anything I've written or want more information. It's quite personal to me but I need to vent my anger to let it all out.

Sorry UG but I need this. I'm usually one to give a lot of advice but this one is bothering me too much. To anyone who knows me, I'm the type of person who helps other people more than I help myself. I can't help it - that's just the way I am.
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Last edited by Harmonius at Sep 3, 2008,
#2
dude i really dont want to read that...


Could you just sum it up or something?
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#3
Not sure what to say, except they're his problems and apparently - I take this from the text - he's not a people person. It takes skill being fired from so many jobs and being kicked out from so many places.

Like mad skillz, yo.

PS if it burdens you so much, tell another friend or relative about it. See what they say, maybe you get some insight on why he's so unpopular in your family.
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#4
Quote by Kensai
Not sure what to say, except they're his problems and apparently - I take this from the text - he's not a people person. It takes skill being fired from so many jobs and being kicked out from so many places.


He's a very stubborn person. I get that stubborness from him.

EDIT: I wouldn't dare get someone else involved and I keep my promises. He doesn't need any members of my family to help him out. Firstly, he won't accept any help from my family and make no mistake, everyone will downgrade him.
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Last edited by Harmonius at Sep 3, 2008,
#5
It feels good to let it all out doesn't it?

I hope the situation improves.
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#6
Quote by Harmonius
He's a very stubborn person. I get that stubborness from him.

EDIT: I won't dare get someone else involved and I keep my promises. He doesn't need any members of my family to help him out. Firstly, he won't accept any help from my family and make no mistake, everyone will downgrade him.


Maybe you can ask about him without mentioning you've seen him? Hell even I am curious why he's unwelcome.
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#7
wait I just read all of that. What was the point?
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#8
some people are just beyond help man...its tough to see someone like that, specially family but you cant help everyone all the time. he obviously needs to work his own life out, and i dont know if theres anything you could to really help him. put him up for a little while if he needs it, but...man idk what to tell you except he seems a little beyond help.
#9
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you can ask about him without mentioning you've seen him? Hell even I am curious why he's unwelcome.


He was the only member of my mother's side to get a University education - I think it was in Catering or something. He failed quite a few times and wasted a lot of money through no fault of his own - he just isn't as clever as he'd like to be but he's in no way intellectually challenged.

I won't ask about him because I won't get any replies. Tried it and just mentioning his name within my inner and outer family isn't generally a good idea.
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#10
I read every single word of your post.

I don't really have much advise to give you but my own situation might cheer you up a bit.

My family is similar, only we all live in the same city so we try to get together on birthdays etc. just for 2 or 3 hours. But for the most part we're very independent and don't see each other that often and everyone has always seemed pretty happy with that arrangement. We're also a pretty small family. Maybe 12 people at the most will get crammed into one room on those "get-togethers".

Then I got married (we'll call it that to make things simple). My wife's family is almost your stereotypical Italian nuclear family (only they're not Italian). They're HUGE and they get together on such a regular basis it really drove me nuts. I felt spoiled having my family and it was really hard for me to understand hers. It seemed like every 2 weeks or so there would be another birthday, wedding, anniversary (my family NEVER celebrated anniversaries as a group activity ... it never concerns anyone besides the couple), "just for the hell of it" BBQ or pool party etc. and they don't get together for coffee. They get together at lunch time and take the gathering until 2am. It really ate at me and I withdrew.

Now I've got a relatively strained relationship with my in-laws. I have Christmas dinner with my wife's parents and grandparents but beside that I don't go to any of their other gatherings.

Yet now as I get older I'm starting to get more conservative and I'm starting to realize that family is important. I still don't care much for my inlaws (that's actually not true, it's not that I dislike them I just dislike spending time with them because we don't have anything in common and I've got better things to do with my short life) but I do appreciate what they offer and represent. I've always been very introverted and private but I'm starting to wish that there's more that I can do to help my own family out. In the end we choose our friends, but we don't choose our family. I don't really have much of a point in telling you this either. I don't have any deadbeat family members that hit me up for money (thank god ... although my wife's aunt used to phone us on a daily basis because she's mentally retarded. While I felt bad I had to block her phone number because it was just too much for me to deal with), but hopefully hearing that someone else's family drives them nuts too will cheer you up a bit.
#11
Have you asked him what happened? I would say give him an ultimatum, tell you what happened and receive help, or go on.

This may serve to ostracize him more though..
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#12
Maybe he also has some sort of involvement with your uncle who's a part of the triad or whatever. Maybe he got your Uncle P involved in something and that's somehow been effecting him this whole time.

That's all I got, very unlikely I know.
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#13
Sounds like he banged your mom or had an affair with her

but look at the bright side hes seen more of the world then anyone i know
and my parenents where in the navy
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#14
@ Kaizerkhan13: I can't forget him. You don't understand. I refuse not to let him rot.
@ Shortcut: That is all I know. Trust me - he's really sensitive and giving him more suggestions will only infuriate him more.
@ Garrett: Thank you for your kind words. I admit, it does make me feel a little better to know I'm not the only one but I feel that this situation is a little more serious. I hope that didn't sound rude - I, God...this is just so overwhelming.
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Last edited by Harmonius at Sep 3, 2008,
#15
Well, apparently, you're the only one in your family that wants to help him. I suggest that you try and do so.. Although that may be quite hard considering it's just you and him.
Do you work?... Could you get him a job there?
..
I have no idea what I'm talking about since I'm only 17 and have no experience with your current situation.
Best of luck though!
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#16
@ McLovin: I will be a trainee solicitor soon and Law School is £10,000 ($20,000USD) a year. I'm more worried about where I'm going - I need to be safe first before I commit to anything like that. In any case, the line of career I'm in is much to expensive to start with - he won't be able to manage. He'd have to qualify first.

Come to think of it - he has a house in the UK (in Heathrow). I wonder why he never told me to drop him off there. Last ntie is all a blur. Gosh, I hope he didn't lose it but I wouldn't be surprised.
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Last edited by Harmonius at Sep 4, 2008,
#17
Interesting story, harmy.

Sounds like you're in a bit of a difficult position. It's pretty hard to flat-out say 'no' to a family member. I think you're doing the right thing.
#18
Yeah cool story but ummm why are you telling us?
Do you want our advice?
edit: from what I read he sounds like burden. you'd be better off forgetting about him (even though you don't want to) because history he shown that he can't hold a job and will continue to mooch of his friends and family for the rest of his life
Last edited by ferretman at Sep 4, 2008,
#19
Hmmm, I don't think you'll really be able to help him as much as you could unless you actually know why he's back in the UK.

An almost similar sort of thing happened with my mum's side of the family. The relation kept on contacting my mum asking for money etc. saying he needed it for medical treatment. The money he did get however he said was not enough, even though my mum sent enough to cover an exact amount of treatments. He didn't discuss it with the rest of the family, only relying on the 3 of us in the UK to help him out. It put my mum through a lot of stress as he died lately from cancer and I know my mum blames herself becase they were on pretty bad terms when he died.
I can't help but think if he had been truthful with her about how he was spending the money she sent, she wouldn't feel so guilty.

You really need to know why he's back. He may be family and some people think that means you have to help out, no questions asked. But that's not true. It's simply not fair on you and you should make it clear to him about how this is affecting you.
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#20
I think every family has one of those types in it. But they are still family. You got to balance the desire to help with the reality of getting screwed.
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#21
@ OddOneOut: He's back in the UK because he can't live with his inlaws who have insulted him all the way through making really snide comments that their daughter/sister should have married someone else. Uncle P's wife can't say anything - she's the youngest of the family and although that might be different in the West, in an Oriental family, it's not a good idea. From what Uncle P told me, he lied to his family back at home that he had a job offer in the UK.

@ Everyone else: I can't forget about him. He sounds like a difficult person but it's only because he's so stubborn. He works really hard at whatever he does and in all the times he was fired, it was because, "they had something against me" or similar. The last job he was at was in Malaysia helping his inlaws. He worked at a pastry factory and was only paid once although he worked for 4 months. He told me that the first month was fine but he didn't receive any wages from then on. When he asked, the manager went mental and fired him. Then Uncle P had to pay for a whole other host of things - like a car belonging to his inlaws that he apparently broke, rent, etc etc. I don't know the full story. Believe me, all this misfortune was not his fault. It just found him.
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Last edited by Harmonius at Sep 4, 2008,
#22
Yeah I can see what you're saying with the whole family thing. My grampa made it clear to the family they weren't to deal with uncle whilst he was in Manilla. And what he says goes.

I think the best thing you could do is try and help him find a job. Clearly you can't just forget him, he is family afer all. Why has he been fired from his previous jobs?
edit: hmmm I see.
Definately in a tricky situation. The only thing I could suggest is a supermarket.
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#23
@ OddOneOut: Nothing but misfortune. The reason why he was fired from his last job is detailed above ^. I think he was fired from Virgin because he asked for time off while his son was sick with some kind of illness. They didn't believe him or something and my Uncle just got pissed off and walked away. The other times, I can't be too sure of. I'm sure he's told him but there's a lot that I don't take in - not that I don't want to but it's just too much to remember.
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#24
You need to help get your uncle a job. And he needs to be organised about it, how can he let his employer get away with paying him once for 4 months of work? Didn't he sign a contract or something?
Any job will do, as long as it's for company with some sort of reputation and not a no-name that generally will try and get away with scams (not that Virgin Airways isn't reputable, that was actually a good job it seems)
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#25
TS I know he's you family or whatever but c'mon, all those jobs lost because of misfortune? I think you're being to trustworthy
#26
@ Rickmeister: It was under the table - not exactly legal - and it was with his inlaws. I will try and help him find a job faster but last nite was a blur. He said he just wanted to sleep and forget everything for a while. He also said he'd rather die sleeping.
@ Ferretman: He has a temper, I admit that. Believe me, my Uncle P isn't the sort of person who sits on his ass all day. He's a hard working person.
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#27
Just read your post and I think you've handled it well so far. You kept your promise by not telling anyone he's there in the UK. Maybe just check up on him from time to time, to see if he's ok. Just be there for him if he needs it. That might be better help than a job or money; to know at least one person is there for him could make a big difference, especially if you think he's capable of suicide. In a month's time he'll wanna move, so maybe scope out some temporary accommodation for him?
#28
I read your post TS, and I feel it, I'm going through family stuff as well, all I can tell you to do is hang on and keep doing what you're doing man.
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#29
Harmy, no offence but he sounds like bad news and if I was in your position I would cut all contact and concentrate on your degree. This is not your fight and its down to your parents and unlce P to work things through. You have your own life to build and it is unfair that you have to have this burden on you.

Then again, I would say that because I am outcasted by my outer family and am on speaking terms with only my mother. You might not be able to choose your family, but hell you can cut all contact if needs be.

I would talk to your parents and make them see that this whole situation is their problem and not yours. It is unfair on you that you are caught up in this for reasons you dont know about. Your parents fired him, yet they wont tell you why and you are helping someone who you dont know whether you can trust them or not. The only thing I would do is just cut contact and concentrate on your life now and get your parents to take responsibilty for uncle P.
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#30
Quote by Harmonius
I'm the type of person who helps other people more than I help myself. I can't help it - that's just the way I am.

That's for others to decide, not you.

Not saying that it's not true or anything, just that it isn't your call to make.
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#31
Quote by Harmonius
@ Everyone else: I can't forget about him. He sounds like a difficult person but it's only because he's so stubborn. He works really hard at whatever he does and in all the times he was fired, it was because, "they had something against me" or similar. The last job he was at was in Malaysia helping his inlaws. He worked at a pastry factory and was only paid once although he worked for 4 months. He told me that the first month was fine but he didn't receive any wages from then on. When he asked, the manager went mental and fired him. Then Uncle P had to pay for a whole other host of things - like a car belonging to his inlaws that he apparently broke, rent, etc etc. I don't know the full story. Believe me, all this misfortune was not his fault. It just found him.
Speaking as an ambitious business owner, only an idiot assumes that when "they have something against me" it's not his own fault.

Props to your uncle for not letting it get him down and not giving up, but I've seen far too many arrogant idiots who get on everyone's nerves and then assumes that the problem is everyone else.

The anectode you're telling about the boss going mental and firing him ... well, yeah assuming that word for word it's true then he got a really bad deal. Yet when it keeps happening over and over and over that's almost as good as proof that your uncle has some issues and refuses to accept personal responsibility for them.

EDIT: Of course that doesn't mean that you should give up on him or anything. He's your relative and, like I was saying earlier, family's all we really have and we don't choose them as much as we'd like to. Yet people who can't seem to hold a job no matter what and then blame the world instead of themselves are really just full of it.
Last edited by garett at Sep 4, 2008,