#1
This is a song I've been writing for quite some time actually. I just finished the lyrics today though, so they're maybe a bit rough.


*verse*
Generations have followed,
but this is the last.
Our heros are dead now-
could not escape the past.
Watch the sky crumble,
the streets fly up in flame.
Rebuild it all ourselves now,
for look what we became.


*chorus*
From the ashes, we rise,
Like an fallen phoneix born.
No one left to hear our cries,
to listen as we mourn.

*instrumental parts*

*changeup*
Rebuild anew, never before.
Restart again, open that door.
Can we move on, differ the way?
Will it turn out, all the same?


*verse*
To become what I have
hated for so long.
To notice what we have
done is all so wrong.
To make the same mistakes that
were made way back when.
To recognize with horror
it's happened once again.

*chorus*
From the ashes, we rise,
Like an fallen phoneix born.
No one left to hear our cries,
to listen as we mourn.

*clean part*
The fate of the world is placed in our hands.
How it came to this, can we understand?
We wish it was simple to change what we have done.
The future is unclear in the face of everyone.


*heavy comes in*
Decision - the world cannot recall.
Together - for divided we shall fall.
Uncertain - we reach the forked path.
Chosen - children of the aftermath.
#2
Quote by Brain245
This is a song I've been writing for quite some time actually. I just finished the lyrics today though, so they're maybe a bit rough.


*verse*
Generations have followed,
but this is the last.
Our heros are dead now-
could not escape the past.
Watch the sky crumble,
the streets fly up in flame.
Rebuild it all ourselves now,
for look what we became.
i'm not really a fan of direct rhyming. i like more obscure rhyming, personally. i like the "watch the sky... flame" but that's about it thus far. the flow in the fourth line is a little off-key. and try "rebuilt it ourselves now" instead of "it all". for look sounds bad to me as well.


*chorus*
From the ashes, we rise,
Like an fallen phoneix born.
No one left to hear our cries,
to listen as we mourn.
i like the similie in line two. the last two are a bit cliche-ish.

*instrumental parts*

*changeup*
Rebuild anew, never before.
Restart again, open that door.
Can we move on, differ the way?
Will it turn out, all the same?
meh, it's alright... except the last line is boring.

*verse*
To become what I have
hated for so long.
To notice what we have
done is all so wrong.
To make the same mistakes that
were made way back when.
To recognize with horror
it's happened once again.
take out all in the fourth line. and instead of when try then, it would sound nicer (line 6). once again sounds bad, too.

*chorus*
From the ashes, we rise,
Like an fallen phoneix born.
No one left to hear our cries,
to listen as we mourn.

*clean part*
The fate of the world is placed in our hands.
How it came to this, can we understand?
We wish it was simple to change what we have done.
The future is unclear in the face of everyone.
ugh, sorry, i get really annoyed with exact rhyme like hand and understand. ;\ try "to change what we've done" and "the future's unclear".

*heavy comes in*
Decision - the world cannot recall.
Together - for divided we shall fall.
Uncertain - we reach the forked path.
Chosen - children of the aftermath.
meh. don't like the first line. the one that follows is pretty good, the one after that, is alright, and the last line, is golden and catchy.

it's okay.
c4c?
link in sig: the sky rejected me.
#3
Quote by Brain245
This is a song I've been writing for quite some time actually. I just finished the lyrics today though, so they're maybe a bit rough.


*verse*
Generations have followed,
but this is the last.
Our heros are dead now-
could not escape the past.
Watch the sky crumble,
the streets fly up in flame.
Rebuild it all ourselves now,
for look what we became.A pretty solid opening. I don't really see anything calling out for change


*chorus*
From the ashes, we rise,
Like an fallen phoneix born.
No one left to hear our cries,
to listen as we mourn.Well, I don't really get how the first couplet relates to the second. In the first, you talk about rising from the ashes- a positive imagery. Then the second is that no one is left and you're mourning. Well, which is it? Are you rising or mourning? I mean, this chorus probably sounds good in a song, but I don't think it stands a more critical read.

*instrumental parts*

*changeup*
Rebuild anew, never before.
Restart again, open that door.
Can we move on, differ the way?
Will it turn out, all the same?Like this all fine except for 'open that door', just kind of an overused line that isn't strong enough


*verse*
To become what I have
hated for so long.
To notice what we have
done is all so wrong.
To make the same mistakes that
were made way back when.
To recognize with horror
it's happened once again.Good enough verse here

*chorus*
From the ashes, we rise,
Like an fallen phoneix born.
No one left to hear our cries,
to listen as we mourn.

*clean part*
The fate of the world is placed in our hands.
How it came to this, can we understand?
We wish it was simple to change what we have done.
The future is unclear in the face of everyone. These last two lines are a bit wordy, and some of the phrasing kind of strange. I don't hate them but I don't like them.


*heavy comes in*
Decision - the world cannot recall.
Together - for divided we shall fall.
Uncertain - we reach the forked path.
Chosen - children of the aftermath.I really like the way this part is written, great for a song. My only complaint is 'forked'- based on the first two lines, there should be a two-syllable word there.


A lot of cool stuff in this song, pretty long but the quality is consistent. The different parts and their arrangement are well thought out. Maybe not a homerun on the whole lyrically, but good enough to be on a record. My only complaints are the ones mentioned above.

C4C always appreciated, link in my sig.
#4
Sorry for being so late with this dude. The other guy got it locked ffs sooo I kinda lost where it was.

Anywayssss, here we go, Ill try and sum up each verse like you did we, just the why I feel about each, nothing technical haha, as you know, I'm not rreally an expert. YET.


First Verse:
I really like these firrst 8 lines.
They flow incredibly well, the imagery is decent, and they make sense, almost perfect in my eyes.

Chorus:
It didn't leave the same impression as the First Verse, to be honest, I think you need to look at this as it's the chorus.
Small spelling mistake of phoenix btw, and the last two lines have been used quite alot before.

"Change-up":
I really like this bit.
Everything about it seems to be different and new in the context of the song, I have no problem with it.

Second Verse:
The verse here seems to flow very well. However, the fourth line doesn't seem to fit, it appears to be too long, perhaps you could take either all or so out.

Clean Verse:
Naaah, this doesn't read well. Try making use of apostrophes to help you out in the last two line.

Closing Verse:
Mmm, I was never gonna be a fan of this, this sorrt of songwriting really doesnt do it for me. However, trying to sum up, the first line doesnt seem to make much sense, however the last line is clever and likeable.


Overall, I like it, I think it good be very good if you improve the chorus and certain elements of other areas.
#5
One thing my favourite English teacher always used to yell at me for was letting the form of the writing detract from the overall statement. Really what she means is that if you're following a rhyming scheme and it doesn't lend itself to what you're doing, don't be afraid to drop it whenever you feel is good. What's more important is that the words you use express what you're trying to convey accurately rather than conform to some arbitrary style.

For example...

Watch the sky crumble,
the streets fly up in flame.
Rebuild it all ourselves now,
for look what we became.

I'm sure there are a few words in there that you can see are superfluous.. Especially in songs, you can just lengthen one lyric for as long as you want if you want to keep even timing etc. You could effectively rearrange the lyrics like this...

Watching sky crumble
Streets fly in flame
Rebuild it all ourselves
For look what we became

This could be a useless rant, but to me the 'now' (ourselves now) seemed very much like it was just filling space so you could continue with the rhyme. This is just another option.
Also thanks for the crit on Half-Asleep. It was the only one which begged one in return.