#1
i don't think i have to tell you guys what this one is about...
it's written weird, i guess. the verses aren't really... separate. it's more like one big verse, i guess. there's no chorus, just a weird bridge type thing at the end.
it has a dark and drab fingerpicking tune behind it. it's slow and... well, dark. that's the only way to describe it.
enjoy, please.
and tell me how ****ed up/retarded it is, because you guys are good at that.

eyes black as night -- i'm darker now.
and it might be life that weighs us down.
it might be life now.
fragile bones create fragile frames.
how much weight can we take?
how much weight can we...
you've got my shoulders battered and bruised;
i can't hold the weight for you, too.
i can't hold the weight for you.
the clouds just rain on me when i curse the sky!
where is god -- where's my watchful eye?
where's the armor for my...
heart and mind... heart and mind...
i lost that smile of innocence
when he touched my pureness.
those hands... so poisonous.
i can barely breathe.

i'll never be the same again.
i'll forgive you... but not myself.
not again.
i'm so lost.
#2
not bad actually, i dont think its retarded! It just seems more like a poem rather than a song. Good job on it!
#3
Quote by radiocure
eyes black as night -- i'm darker now.
and it might be life that weighs us down.
it might be life now. should i change might to must in this line?
fragile bones create fragile frames.
how much weight can we take?
how much weight can we... we to i?
you've got my shoulders battered and bruised;
i can't hold the weight for you, too.
i can't hold the weight for you.
the clouds just rain on me when i curse the sky!
where is god -- where's my watchful eye?
where's the armor for my...
heart and mind... heart and mind...
i lost that smile of innocence
when he touched my pureness.
those hands... so poisonous.
i can barely breathe.

i'll never be the same again.
i'll forgive you... but not myself.
not again.
i'm so lost.

//
#4
I like it, and I agree with the first poster that it feels more like a poem, though some songs just work that way.
To answer your questions, yes and maybe in that order. Still trying to decide whether "we" or "I" has the stronger impact there. It creates that repetition of the change in wording, might to must, we to I, so it's probably a good idea, though I'd hold out for somebody who knows lyrics better to weigh in on that.
Last edited by Nightfyre at Sep 3, 2008,
#5
eyes black as night -- i'm darker now.
and it might be life that weighs us down. -Sweet.
it might be life now.
fragile bones create fragile frames.
This line is awesome as well. It sort of makes me think of that Protest the Hero song where he's like "the hardest of bodies dulls the softest of knives." I'm not quite sure why.
how much weight can we take?
how much weight can we...
Yeah, I would definitely change we to I, as you said in your post above... it makes more sense to what's going on.
you've got my shoulders battered and bruised;
i can't hold the weight for you, too.
i can't hold the weight for you.
I really like the weight metaphor that you've got going on. The weight of being the "perfect" mortal that you're supposed to try to be, when no one is perfect...
the clouds just rain on me when i curse the sky!
This part is cool, demonstrating the futility of somone's actions.
where is god -- where's my watchful eye?
"Where is god" is maybe a little cliche or something. I'd either take a totally different approach to this line, or I'd use a different word for god like "maker" or "master" or something
where's the armor for my...
heart and mind... heart and mind...
i lost that smile of innocence
when he touched my pureness.
those hands... so poisonous.
i can barely breathe.
These last four lines are awesome and unique. It's the opposite of how most people picture something like this - God being the poisonous touch to a pure person... assuming you are still talking about god and not satan.

i'll never be the same again.
i'll forgive you... but not myself.
not again.
i'm so lost.
I liked everything in the outro thingy except the very last line. I dunno, I like bluntness alot of times, but it just didn't seem to work out here. I'd either just end it at "not again" or figure out something new to put here.
#7
Quote by radiocure
i don't think i have to tell you guys what this one is about...
it's written weird, i guess. the verses aren't really... separate. it's more like one big verse, i guess. there's no chorus, just a weird bridge type thing at the end.
it has a dark and drab fingerpicking tune behind it. it's slow and... well, dark. that's the only way to describe it.
enjoy, please.
and tell me how ****ed up/retarded it is, because you guys are good at that.

eyes black as night -- i'm darker now.
and it might be life that weighs us down.
it might be life now.
fragile bones create fragile frames. Great line
how much weight can we take? Eh, we is ok here since the last line was 'frames' talking about people in multiple, and two lines prior was 'us'. We is ok here
how much weight can we...
you've got my shoulders battered and bruised;
i can't hold the weight for you, too.
i can't hold the weight for you. Another very good few lines
the clouds just rain on me when i curse the sky! For some reason I'd prefer to take out 'just', it changes the tone somewhat, makes the line too long, and I hate it. Can't explain more than that
where is god -- where's my watchful eye? Like the way this is phrased
where's the armor for my...
heart and mind... heart and mind...
i lost that smile of innocence
when he touched my pureness. Not high on this line. Who is 'he'? God? If so, the past few lines kind of disconnected that, and to attribute poisonous hands to God is strange indeed. If it's not God and merely a generic 'he', then I humbly advise to rework those lines because I don't make sense of them. Plus 'touched my pureness' makes me think of a child molester or something, ha!
those hands... so poisonous.
i can barely breathe.

i'll never be the same again.
i'll forgive you... but not myself.
not again.
i'm so lost.Well, nothing really substantial in the closing that hasn't been said before, but it's sufficient.


For a piece in the musical style you described, I think these lyrics are by and large very very good. I could definitely hear it in an acoustic Opeth or a Katatonia song. The reason others have suggested it sounds more like a poem is because the song lacks any kind of hook, at least lyrically. Whether to have one or not is a choice, and certainly the two bands I mentioned above don't always add them. But it might give it more song substance.

C4C always appreciated, link in my sig