#1
just a verse and a chorus, its yet to be finished, criticism, and advice, or suggestions welcomed.

lost and confused i stay up late at night
i keep on smoking till i feel alright
gotta find a way to get rid of all this pain
i have nothing to lose so i guess i have something to gain

i dont know why im with someone like you
i like the quiet life and your the zoo
sometimes i wonder if ill ever get out
ill keep on yelling man ill scream and shout

so i shot you (kinda beginning of chorus, said right after scream and shout)

yeah i shot you

bye bye little girl i loved
bye bye little girl i loved
bye bye little girl i loved
bye bye
#2
sorry not meaning to bump this but, i forgot to mention its an acoustic song, thats just c and f, and the bye bye part has a little finger picking part, and also crit 4 crit
#3
Quote by sublime4evr

lost and confused i stay up late at night
i keep on smoking till i feel alright
gotta find a way to get rid of all this pain
i have nothing to lose so i guess i have something to gain

I quite like this verse or chorus im not sure becase you havent labeled it i like how it has a good bit of flow

i dont know why im with someone like you
i like the quiet life and your the zoo
sometimes i wonder if ill ever get out
ill keep on yelling man ill scream and shout

This has a bit of flow too but i dont get the bit that says "and your the zoo" it could be just me but i dont really get it anyone ealse?

so i shot you (kinda beginning of chorus, said right after scream and shout)
Yeah i would miss this bit out to be honest it just doesnt really fit
yeah i shot you

bye bye little girl i loved
bye bye little girl i loved
bye bye little girl i loved
bye bye


The Chorus and the verse were good but i am not to sure on the rest but its got potetial to be a song also try using punctuation in your writing and using capital letters it looks nicer

Crit mine now? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=16103197#post16103197
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


Quote by goest
You raped someone with a knife, didn't you?
#4
Quote by sublime4evr
just a verse and a chorus, its yet to be finished, criticism, and advice, or suggestions welcomed.

lost and confused i stay up late at night
i keep on smoking till i feel alright
gotta find a way to get rid of all this pain
i have nothing to lose so i guess i have something to gain

Great flow, not much of a cliche which is a major plus on your side....

i dont know why im with someone like you
i like the quiet life and your the zoo
sometimes i wonder if ill ever get out
ill keep on yelling man ill scream and shout

Still keeping it original, again, nice flow...nothing needs to be changed

so i shot you (kinda beginning of chorus, said right after scream and shout)

yeah i shot you

I don't think this really fits after that second verse or add something before this to give it a more definite meaning....Cause you were saying i'll scream and shout, but kind of add a little more emotion after that, then this'll be good

bye bye little girl i loved
bye bye little girl i loved
bye bye little girl i loved
bye bye

I like this part as a chorus, but add a little something (another 3 lines) too it with the same flow before the last line, this this'll be really catchy...



Other than that dude, I think this would make for a really good song, record it and put it on your profile sometime so you could share it with us....
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#5
"This has a bit of flow too but i dont get the bit that says "and your the zoo" it could be just me but i dont really get it anyone ealse?"

what i meant in that perticular line was that i enjoy the quiet life, meaning that im chilled out laid back guy, while the person im with is the "zoo", like hectic, drama queen, kinda, just the opposite of me, thats what i tried to portray, maybe i just didnt get my point across well enough
#6
hey thanks for trying to crit my lyrics lol

but umm, yea haha this sounds like it could be a sublime song. or bob marley

It was a little straight forward, i know that sounds stupid after reading my lyrics, but hey its what i think. and beware of trying to rhyme each line. it can make some of the lines seem forced.

the end would be really catchy though, good job

oh and my lyrics deal with politicians.
#7
hey man i really like this alot. you did a great job. my favorite part is "your the zoo". that sounds really cool and is a good way to show the opposite-ness. lol. the one thing that i dont like very much is bye bye little girl i loved. i mean i like that, but the way you put that whole stanza together i dont. i think it would be better with something like

bye bye little girl i loved
(some other line here)
bye bye little girl i loved
bye bye.


but thas just me. crit mine now?https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=951249
#8
this sounds like it should be punkish..i think its excellent dude. no joke. serious. 8 outta 10 keep it up man


oh yeh the part here not sure. but instead of

bye bye little girl i loved
bye bye little girl i loved
bye bye little girl i loved
bye bye.

you could try

bye bye little girl i loved
you made me do it/you caused all of this <(one of those 2)
bye bye little girl i loved
bye bye.

then for the last chorus or the 2nd or 3rd you should add a little more to make it alot more interesting.
Last edited by GHOST_OF_WAR at Sep 5, 2008,
#9
Quote by GHOST_OF_WAR
this sounds like it should be punkish..i think its excellent dude. no joke. serious. 8 outta 10 keep it up man


oh yeh the part here not sure. but instead of

bye bye little girl i loved
bye bye little girl i loved
bye bye little girl i loved
bye bye.

you could try

bye bye little girl i loved
you made me do it/you caused all of this <(one of those 2)
bye bye little girl i loved
bye bye.

then for the last chorus or the 2nd or 3rd you should add a little more to make it alot more interesting.


thanks for the crit man, and i like the little adjustments you made one the bye bye part, im going to try and add somethign, and make some adjustments, and ill post the revised edition back up thanks for all the crit !
#10
Hey dude, sorrry about the lateness of this c4c. Thanks for looking over mine.

In summary of yours, I really like it, I think it could be rreally catchy, the only area you could improve would be the 'so i shot you', it came as a bit of a wild change to the mood of what you wrote. If that's what you were hoping to achieve, then great.