#1
I think I got the title right...

enjoy

oh yeah c4c



The sun grew weary and found
its resting place beneath the hills
The stars look stunning tonight
as they reflected from Isabel's eyes

I gasped with amazement
Brushing her hair with my hand
A soft flowing wave soon followed by a kiss
And tying tongues while we waited to breathe

"Oh, wie ich liebe dich, Isabella"

Her hands touch my chest
and slowly move downward
grazing my abs and waist,
undressing me
while my fingers please her

She finally lies down and I follow
opening herself to give what's sacred
But I never got the chance to get in rhythm
an old woman spotted us and shouted in shock

"Isabella!"
"Mutter!"
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#2
lol, based on experiece? (for those who cant speak german, Ich möchte sie ficken means I want to **ck you)
#3
haha imm assuming that this is a true story, so sorry about the block there man, but i liked it, im sure it will rub some the wrong way with the storyline but who cares, it was good, once again i assume its poetry. keep it up man
#4
The first stanza, as a whole, was a bit cliched. The first line of S2 was also a bit too much; up until there everything was gentle, easy-going, then you all of a sudden 'gasp with amazement'. Much too much. After that it becomes much more enjoyable until the end of stanza three. 'while my fingers please her' is extremely blunt and once again completely breaks the feel you had going. I'd entirely suggest either omitting that or changing it to something a little more subtle. Now my guess is you would respond to that by saying "look at the title, it's pretty blunt to begin with". that's true enough, but by starting with something so straightforward, you can really compliment the gentleness of the rest. My only other complaint is 'give what's sacred'. that's just lazy wording, and didn't sound pleasant at all.

The end was nice.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#6
Quote by Eaglestalon101
I think I got the title right...

enjoy

oh yeah c4c



The sun grew weary and found
its resting place beneath the hills
The stars look stunning tonight
as they reflected from Isabel's eyes
although this is soppy, it's quite nice. i thought "the stars look stunning tonight" was a little loose though. i would have preferred something like,

the stars look more stunning
shining within isabels eyes.

also shouldn't "they reflected" be they're reflected, or they reflect?


I gasped with amazement
Brushing her hair with my hand
A soft flowing wave soon followed by a kiss
And tying tongues while we waited to breathe
what were you amazed at? also gasping doesnt really fit with the nice soft smooth vibe you've got going. however waiting to breath is beautiful.

"Oh, wie ich liebe dich, Isabella"
german though is not beautiful.... but thats hardly your fault.

Her hands touch my chest
and slowly move downward
grazing my abs and waist,
undressing me
while my fingers please her
i can't help but feel touch could have been a much more emotive word, like warm, or grace, or discover... also i would have preferred it if "while my fingers please her" was more vague. like, while my fingers lift her... or something like that.

She finally lies down and I follow
opening herself to give what's sacred
But I never got the chance to get in rhythm
an old woman spotted us and shouted in shock
"finally" makes it seem like you were losing patience with her and doesn't fit with the beautiful union you've been describing so far.

"Isabella!"
"Mutter!"


i hate it when that happens....



this was very nice, i enjoyed reading it.
also if this isn't based in reality i'd be interested in knowing why you chose german.
#7
at her mom showing up, im interested to know why german was used, if this isnt a true story, if it is,
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#8
Thanks guys, I appreciate it and see what changes can be made

on another note, I don't know why I chose German it just came to mind....I guess next time I do something like this, I'll use a Romantic language
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#9
I agree with Jake about the first verse being a little pointless and cliched. I would of prefered the sudden impact of being thrown into the 'lens den' of sexual nature than having a soppy, kind of pathetic intro that is only there to set the scene - a typical, boring summers day - something people only there and in that situation could really see the significance and alore of.

Your breaks are very simple but it works very snuggly in this, especially the langauge border smash.

I don't like the word "abs", it just reminds me of all the wrong things!

- "But I never got the chance to get in rhythm" - I see what you are trying to accomplish here, but I didn't enjoy reading this line at all, it totally detracted from the amazing vibe throughout this. The word "got" let it down bit-time. The idea of rhythm here also reminds me too much of pornography, and thats not really artistic in a way, its just thrills for the sake of thrills. So basically it seems like you are trying to be sexual for the sake of it, the shock factor, almost.

Not much more I can say towards this.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and it really evoked memories of both the good and the bad kind. It was sensual as well, which is not very hard to do, but at the same time, it takes guts.
Cudos.

Digitally Clean