#1
crit for crit, please help me improve

The Animals

Come down to me
I’ll give you all you need
Just Say all the right things

Come down to me
I picked you from the rest
Just say all the right things

Its seems that we beckon,
That we call for them to
Rise up from the sea,
But seven heads isn’t near enough.

We try to be the light,
With such a faulty amaranth
But even in this ink
We cast such an ugly shadow.

Animals in pelt suits
Preach to us about how we oughta live
Immobilized, cannibalized
And they think we’re all the same

Animals
#3
hm, im not really sure what i think about this, ive read it about 7 times and i just dont get it, not saying thats your fault, its probably just me not being able to grasp the concept haha, but yeah ill keep trying and maybe ill figure it out, sorry i couldnt be more help man, heres a link to one of mines if you have time

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=950794
#4
Quote by dakmac

The Animals

Come down to me
I’ll give you all you need
Just Say all the right things

The first two lines are good the last one could do with some work.
Come down to me
I picked you from the rest
Just say all the right things

Yet again i like the first two lines but i dont really like the last one.
Its seems that we beckon,
That we call for them to
Rise up from the sea,
But seven heads isn’t near enough.

I like this one but i would mabey change the 2nd and 3rd line into one and change it to "And call them from the sea" but thats just me personally.
We try to be the light,
With such a faulty amaranth
But even in this ink
We cast such an ugly shadow.

I like the last to lines they send a cool message.
Animals in pelt suits
Preach to us about how we oughta live
Immobilized, cannibalized
And they think we’re all the same

I also like this ending its nice and rounds it off well.
Animals


Over All it is quite good but i would mabey try put more flow in it.
Crit mine now? here is the link:Tell Me
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


Quote by goest
You raped someone with a knife, didn't you?
#5
It feels like there are too many metaphors and descriptive motions all pilled into one. You need to focus on one or two and bleed them dry.

- "Just Say all the right things" - I don't see the relevance of this and only repeating it twice defeats the original purpose of repetition. Also, why did you capatilze "Say"?

- "Its seems that we beckon," - The words "seems" here evokes confusion and discomfort which, ironically enough, doesn't feel comfortable in this. I also don't see the point of it being there.

- "But seven heads isn’t near enough." I don't understand why you left out ly after "near"?

- "We try to be the light,
With such a faulty amaranth
But even in this ink
We cast such an ugly shadow." - I don't like this whole verse. "Light" for a start sucks, then "faulty amaranth" feels very much out of place. "Ink" has no relation towards "shadow" which creates a very discontinued package.

- "Immobilized, cannibalized" - Although I like the first word, the second word is just waaaayy past discernible. I need to be able to distinguish the importance of a large, difficult word such as that.

Overall, I see what you have and its good, but its very unfinished feeling. Its flaws are too common to ignore.

Thank you for reaching mine and I hope have lent you a helping hand.

Digitally Clean
#6
Hey man. thanks for the crit. now about yours. i had a hard time grasping the concept. i liked the way you set it up though. its different but really cool. maybe its just me but you seemed to change topic alot. overall not bad though. sorry. not much of a crit lol.