#1
sitting round a dinner table,
i've came to some self-realisation
that i'm alienated from whatever conversation
but my intentions, as pure as oak,
seem miscalculated.
possibly leftovers from my past.

i stand with some girl,
her virgin heart remains unscathed.
in her presence, as warm as amber,
she mildly laughs
at some joke no one said.
while i stand, throw some subtle gestures.
we both go our seperate ways at the end of night.

in the company of peers
we exchange privacy
and trade past experiences
from times where we didn't know each other's names.
meaningless ecounters of the third degree,
we bask in the dynamic of the day.
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"
#2
Quote by TV Party
sitting round a dinner table,
i've came to some self-realisation
that i'm alienated from whatever conversation
I really like these three lines, it's a great way to start things up, you clearly describe what's going on with you
but my intentions, as pure as oak,
seem miscalculated.
possibly leftovers from my past.
I also like this line here ^

i stand with some girl,
her virgin heart remains unscathed.
in her presence, as warm as amber,
she mildly laughs
at some joke no one said.
Again, it is quite good. I'm really liking the adjectives you choose
while i stand, throw some subtle gestures.
we both go our seperate ways at the end of night.
This broke the flow to me, but I'm not the best person catching flows.

in the company of peers
we exchange privacy
and trade past experiences
from times where we didn't know each other's names.
Everything in here reminds me of another song, which I don't recall it's name, but whatever; it's still good.
meaningless ecounters of the third degree,
we bask in the dynamic of the day.
Perfect ending !



I really liked pretty much everything in here. There's nothing I can say to improve something.

Good job !
#4
Everything in here reminds me of another song, which I don't recall it's name, but whatever; it's still good.
now that you say that, it does sort of remind me of something else. but i never stole anything from anyone so yeah hah. thanks for your crit also and the nice words.
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"
#6
Quote by TV Party
sitting round a dinner table,
i've came to some self-realisation
that i'm alienated from whatever conversation
but my intentions, as pure as oak,
seem miscalculated.
possibly leftovers from my past.
"i've came" doesn't make sense, it would read " i have came". it should either be "i've come/i have come" or "i came'. either way, i think it might be because i read it/said it to myself so many times, it reads a bit awkwardly. maybe having "the" instead of "some" might help. also, i think if you got rid of the first "as" and just had "pure as oak", it would read better. other than that, i liked this opener.

i stand with some girl,
her virgin heart remains unscathed.
in her presence, as warm as amber,
she mildly laughs
at some joke no one said.
while i stand, throw some subtle gestures.
we both go our seperate ways at the end of night.
again, i think it would read better "warm as amber" or "warm like amber" maybe. your use of punctuation confused me. it reads "in her presence she mildly laughs at some joke no one said". the first part "in her presence she mildly laughs" sounds extremely odd. same with the next line "while i stand, throw some subtle gestures". not really sure that fits gramatically without a noun or whatever in front of "throw"
since you started the sentence with "while".


in the company of peers
we exchange privacy
and trade past experiences
from times where we didn't know each other's names.
meaningless ecounters of the third degree,
we bask in the dynamic of the day.
i think "where" is fine, it'd probably read more correctly if you put "when" but not really a big deal as i know what you mean/i say it all the time.


save for a few grammatical issues i had with this piece, i thought it was rather good. i thought you conveyed your idea pretty well and i liked your way with words for the most part.
#7
Quote by TV Party
sitting round a dinner table,
i've came to some self-realisation
that i'm alienated from whatever conversation
This line doesn't quite make it. "Whatever" is probably the cause of this mishap. I can see the relevance but something is not right. A very interesting concept though, I'm intrigued.
but my intentions, as pure as oak,
Love the relation of "oak" with the chairs of a household dinner table. Particularly the more wealthy households, insinuating that situation as being a certain potent place for snobbery and disjunction.
seem miscalculated.
possibly leftovers from my past.
Hehe, cool.
i stand with some girl,
her virgin heart remains unscathed.
in her presence, as warm as amber,
she mildly laughs
at some joke no one said.
while i stand, throw some subtle gestures.
we both go our seperate ways at the end of night.
Apart from the last line which is overly extended, but really cool, this is great stuff.

in the company of peers
we exchange privacy
and trade past experiences
from times where we didn't know each other's names.
meaningless ecounters of the third degree,
we bask in the dynamic of the day.


I really enjoyed this. I don't feel like I have anything else to add. I would like to return to this when I feel better.

Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Sep 6, 2008,
#8
thanks for all your comments, i really do appreciate it!
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"