#1
Pretty basic song. If anybody wants to go crit for crit that would be sweet. Check it out!

Scenic Drive

You know it's true what the people say
You gotta live your life day to day
And I'll try to stay all night long
All my rights will replace my wrongs

Past lurks through my ears
Future displays all my shiney fears
But I'll bid that boy adieu,
As for her i'll see her(that bitch) soon

We'll take the scenic drive
Cause time can't fly
And as the sun rolls around
We'll enjoy this life we've found

We're riding this coon trail forever
And when these roads diverge,
We'll take whichever
Because all in all it doesn't matter
No it doesn't really matter
Our way will flow,
and the slower we go
we'll maintain the status quo
(and monitor your menstrual flow (not included))

So we'll take the scenic drive
Cause we know time can't fly
And as the sun rolls around
We'll enjoy this life of ours

Yes our way will flow,
and wherever we're headed
I don't know
And I don't want to know
Last edited by Dwayne Rodstad at Sep 5, 2008,
#2
alright, as a song, this may turn out okay depending on how strong the musical backbone you've given this really is; because as words alone, it doesn't have a foot to stand on.
imo, to pick out each and every flaw of someone's work is useless and quite pretentious(not only with this piece, but with anything i see), so i'm going to focus everything that i believe needs revision into this:

1. i can see that you've got some direction with your structure and rhyme scheme, so no worries there. something that you should take into consideration though, is how well the rhymes compliment your subject matter, and vice versa. this piece wreaks with cliche rhymes, creating a constant disturbance in flow, in turn kind of making a domino effect of disinterest for the reader; i.e.:
- some of the sentences don't connect together well because of the forced rhymes, which can be confusing and generally leads the reader to assume that the author wasn't very aware, or under any impression of clarity concerning his/her own subject matter.

2. a minimal amount of imagery doesn't even make sense.(shiney fears?)
i think you get the point.

3. don't let your piece go on without you because you want to throw in some "cool" one-liners. when i read "and monitor your menstrual flow," i was like "why?"
put yourself in the shoes of your audience; they're not going to be aware of any inside jokes, or anything of the sort. just try not to leave us bewildered.

in short, i hope that i didn't come across as a jerk; but was in some way useful to you in future song-writing endeavors. i'd like to hear this if you get it put to music, just to see how irrelevant my reaction to this has been, lol.
take it easy,
- K.

if you're doing C4C - my piece is called "somebody." it should be located on the 2nd page of the forum, but don't feel obligated.

EDIT: here's the link - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=950304
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Sep 5, 2008,
#4
what the hell?
if you don't want an honest crit, then maybe you should post here.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.