#1
crit4crit

SOUNDWAVE EROSIONS

Climbed a lifeguard ladder,
God asked me “What’s the matter?”
Said “I’m spying on the world.”
He said “Son, you can’t lie
With that war paint in your eyes,
You’re hunting Goliath’s girl.”
I’m too passive-aggressive,
Compulsive-obsessive
Not to give this a whirl.
Long walks on the beach
On the shores of Normandy,
Breaking gun shells for pearls.

Por que la sirena
No sabe nadar
En la agua bendita.

Then I sat all alone,
Skipping Rolling Stones
Outside your bedroom window.
An endless pitter patter
To make the ocean shatter
And drown your Romeo.
But canyon corrosions/
Soundwave erosions
Are as weak as Cupid’s bow.
So I sat in the middle
Of the waves and ripples,
Sinking like DiCaprio.

Por que la sirena
No sabe nadar
En la agua bendita.

The cigarette boats
With their cancerous smoke
Brought ‘Salem’s cargo tonight.
And the messiah king
Heard the siren sing,
So he flooded all his shrines.
But the harpoon hunters
With their crucifix lovers
Will be begging for their lives.
Through the Judgement clouds
I heard Goliath shout,
“Jesus, get away from my wife!”

Por que la sirena
No sabe nadar
En la agua bendita.
Last edited by themarsvolta at Aug 19, 2009,
#2
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit

SOUNDWAVE EROSIONS

Climbed a lifeguard ladder,
God asked me “What’s the matter?”
Said “I’m spying on the world.”
He said “Son, you can’t lie
With that war paint in your eyes,
You’re hunting Goliath’s girl.”
I’m too passive-aggressive,
Compulsive-obsessive
Not to give this a whirl.
Long walks on the beach
On the shores of Normandy,
Breaking gun shells for pearls.
Its Ok but i dont like the line "Your Hunting Goliaths Girl" it just kinda brakes the flow.

Por que la sirena
No sabe nadar
En mar, Bendita.
I only speak english so i cant really crit this bit

Then I sat all alone,
Skipping Rolling Stones
Outside your bedroom window.
An endless pitter patter
To make the ocean shatter
And drown your Romeo.
But canyon corrosions/
Soundwave erosions
Are as weak as Cupid’s bow.
So I sat in the middle
Of the waves and ripples,
Sinking like DiCaprio.
I would mabey change "Sinking like DiCaprio" it is a bit weird almost i dunno it just doesnt seem right.

Por que la sirena
No sabe nadar
En mar, Bendita.

The cigarette boats
With their cancerous smoke
Brought ‘Salem’s cargo tonight.
And the messiah king
Heard the siren sing,
So he flooded all his shrines.
But the harpoon hunters
With their crucifix lovers
Will be begging for their lives.
Through the Judgement couds
I heard Goliath shout,
“Jesus, get away from my wife!”
I would change it to "sirens" insted of "siren" personally and i like the humor at the end.

Por que la sirena
No sabe nadar
En mar, Bendita.


I Kinda like this song apart from the bit in the other language which i dont understand.
Crit mine now? :Tell Me
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


Quote by goest
You raped someone with a knife, didn't you?
#6
I actually thought the DiCaprio thing added a 'zip' to the song.
Not bad, different than anything I've ever seen. Sounds really 'classic', or oldies like, especially the last verse.
#8
First of all, thanks for the very positive crit! I kind of wish you had disliked my piece so you wouldn't think I was just replying in kind when I say that this is a really awesome piece. Other than an occasional line that seemed to have an extra syllable or two, the flow is terrific. Clearly the superstar here is the clever imagery, but what I really like is the conciseness (is that a word?) You put a strong image with a background meaning into a 4-5 word line, a difficult feat but pulled off well. harpoon hunters/crucifix lovers was my favorite. I'm a little less hot on the references- Goliath, Jesus, Salem, DiCaprio, Siren, Romeo, Normandy- that is a freakin boatload of diverse allegories for one song. But they sound good. Maybe the Goliath ones are the strangest for me- I just don't really understand why Goliath was chosen as a character, because there wasn't anything that I caught relating to giant stature. In other words, you could replace Goliath with virtually any other name and it would not change any of the meanings. That, to me, makes it superficial. Whereas the DiCaprio line MUST have DiCaprio to keep the impact.

On the whole, I'm not convinced that all of these uberclever lines relate to each other in meaningful ways, but in a rock song, it's enough that they sound great, and they do. Great work.
#9
Haven't seen you in a long while. This is one of the sharpest things I've ever seen you write. Omar Rodriguez-Lopez would be proud. Very nice.
#10
Your first piece in quite a while, and I really enjoyed it. Well worthy of the award. Thats all I feel I can say right now, sorry.
#11

just thought i'd add - this is the first piece i've read in a while that has made me want to say how good it is




love is a dog from hell.



#13
You know writing is good when it can be sung, spoken, or rapped and still sound as cool as the next. Religious satire is the greatest kind - both Horace and Sean Mills would be proud.

The title line and the events proceeding are excellent examples of manipulating reality and using them for flow's advantage - like an orgasm of the tongue.

It's great, and I can't say much for it, and this is sometimes rare, but I have respect for anyone calling himself Jesus from time to time. It takes true character to be able to come back up from that level.
#14
As deserved as a perfect pelican with a competitor of a drunk badger is to win a Perfect Pelican contest.
#17
it does a really good job at walking the fine line between cool and pretentious. i like it. a lot of the imagery was good, first stanza the best, opened nicely and di caprio was fine
#18
dunno why i haven't commented sooner.
i've read this a bunch of times
and decided it was about time
i told you how awesome i thought it was.

it's awesome.