#1
There were tears in his eyes
as we shook heads and sighed
at the same witty comments
and the same lies, told by
the same sane-minded guy.
we shared and sustained
sorrowful glances
while making our ways
to the same morning’s classes
with the same old class divides;
this time
depoliticised.
we commented on the weather;
the perfect English metaphor
for everything not going quite right.
said our problems came from the skylines,
not the suit laden pirate and his
signature signing confines.
we named it ‘educational propaganda’,
for kids who propa hate
their teacher’s answers
and want to answer back
just
don’t want to learn how to.

we denied ourselves any courage
with the hope of defying integrity
and got on our knees to please the chief,
then we both agreed that saying goodbye
was easier than stopping the school
becoming academised.


basing my life on quotes,
writing diary style,
failing badly.
trying to not lose the ability to put pen to paper.
c4c.

has a few alternative titles.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Sep 5, 2008,
#3
^Not to rhyme, but that sounds like spam.

The first 5-part rhyme was a bit much to me. No matter how well executed (and it was done well) I just can't take anything seriously after 3 rhymes. Nothing seemed forced, made sense, but, well... just too much. After that the rhymes are A+, as if everything else. Excellent tone as always, garnished with some powerful phrases. In fact, I think this is one of my favorites from you yet.

As far as sticking it to the man goes,
Katherine: 5
The man: 0

On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Sep 5, 2008,
#4
I would really like to see the alternative titles, this one doesn't quite do it justice, although it still is good.

You know what, I don't like commenting on your work because I have this feeling that you just want someone to nit pick and tear this shit a new hole... but I just can't... I just can't!
I feel like, what is the point of stating what I love when you probably know what it is anyway and can dupicate it over and over again without any hesitance.
I don't mean to seem ignorant and blasse if you have spent many days working on this, I do recognize the effort you have put in and I don't view this as perfection or artistic, almost snobby, meanderings.

One thing to look out for, I can't pronounce the word "acadmised"... I know, I'm simple.
Your last line could of been spaced better, it seems lengthly and wordy for an ending, particularly one of such potence.

Even without the anger obviously present and the cynical and sarcastic dig at the British educational system, this would still be an awesome read, that just sprinkles it with a lushes amount of salt, pepper, 'erbs (as one British comedian calls them) and spices... see there I go again, compliments after fucking compliments, I want to hate your stuff like I want to hate dreams.

My favourite this week easily, and maybe my favourite from you.

Digitally Clean
#5
changing the wind (and other unrelated things)
and
using the wrong metaphors
are some titles I'm thinking of, as well as the second title (is it an overlook in the forum that when you try to change titles it only changes the inside one, or just something unchangeable?)

Thanks very much for your crits AG, some of your post confused me, but that might just be my tiredness.`
Im going to have a go at the first bit again, it does sound just a little bit out of place and I think the same things about the rhyme as you, billy.

And you're both bloody kind!
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
I tryed to think of some crit for this but i just couldnt and gave up. I really like this peice of writing and its a hell of alot better of anything i could ever write.

I cant wait to read your next peice
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


Quote by goest
You raped someone with a knife, didn't you?
#8
Thankyous, Zach. And Mr. Maggot

Zach, if you happen to pop in here again, changing the title to changing the wind (and other unrelated things) would be very kind of you .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
we shared and sustained
sorrowful glances
while making our ways
to the same morning’s classes
with the same old class divides;
this time
depoliticised.
we commented on the weather;
the perfect English metaphor
for everything not going quite right.

I really liked what you were saying there and the measured, controlled pace of it was really good. I thought the use of depoliticised and the last three lines were quite clever.
To me, "said our problems came from the skylines" sounded like a throwaway line, and quite out of place. You might be referring back to the weather, but I don't particularly like the way in which you do it. Maybe it's the rhyme there that bothered me. I think the beginning part (before the section I highlighted) wasn't a bad opener but again I think the proximity of the rhymes bothered me a little - mainly lines 4 and 5. After that they're great.

I thought you handled the structure and form pretty well on the whole. And I thought it was interesting subject to write about/read. 'twas not a bad piece at all.
well done ol' chap.
i have a prose piece in my sig. if you read it, that would be nice. but it is long. and i don't like it much. so it's not a big deal.

peeeeeeeeeace out
#10
I'll probably work a bit on the rhyme here this week, including on that section .

Thanks for the crit and I'll try to get to that piece some time, if not a newer one if you post again soon.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!