#1
This is about losing someone you love, whether it be literally or figurativly, anyway I have no idea where this came from just came up with this fiddling with guitar earlier.

We used to burn yesterday's newspaper
The stupid things that we did
When we were just kids
Looking forward to the future
A bright one it was
But the clouds came that day
Took my sunshine away
Now what have I become?

If I could go back
I would make things better
Only to worsen what's to come
I've become unwelcome here
I wish I could just turn back the hands of time
To a time, and a place
Where I used to look forward to today
And tomorrow didn't seem like such a waste of time

Now all I have are memories
I don't even remember what I did today
But yesterday, I remember it so vividly
I haven't heard a sound since you left
But what you said to me
Is inscribed in my memory
Don't let me forget you

If I could go back
I would make things better
Only to worsen what's to come
I've become unwelcome here
I wish I could just turn back the hands of time
To a time, and a place
Where I used to look forward to today
And tomorrow didn't seem like such a waste of time

Today won't mean anything to me
Until tomorrow comes
Today doesn't mean anything to me
Today doesn't mean anything to me
But yesterday is everything to me

If I could go back
I would make things better
Only to worsen what's to come
I've become unwelcome here
I wish I could just turn back the hands of time
To a time, and a place
Where I used to look forward to today
And tomorrow didn't seem like such a waste of time
Last edited by Mlnwd at Sep 7, 2008,
#2
Pretty good.
i especially like the intro

Now all I have are memories
I don't even remember what I did today
But yesterday, I remember it so vividly
I haven't heard a sound since you left
But what you said to me
Will forever live on in my memory(is inscribed in my mind)
I could never forget you(dont let me forget you)

i would try to reword this. there just suggestions but if you like it the way it is dont let me bother you.
but otherwise keep up the goodwork
#3
If I could go back
I could make things better
Only to worsen what's to come
I've become unwelcome here
I wish I could just turn back the hands of time
To a time, and a place
Where I used to look forward to today
And tommorrow didn't seem like such a waste of time


I would try to get some of those times out of there. It is a tiny bit repetitive. Otherwise it is a very good piece.
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Quote by woodenbandman
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#4
just put a few words i would change

Quote by Mlnwd
This is about losing someone you love, whether it be literally or figurativly, anyway I have no idea where this came from just came up with this fiddling with guitar earlier.

We used to burn yesterday's newspaper
The stupid things that we did
When we were just kids
Looking forward to the future
A bright one it was
But the clouds came that day
Took my sunshine away
Now what have I become?

If I could go back
I could make things better
the second line should say would then your not repeating could and sounds more powerful
Only to worsen what's to come
I've become unwelcome here
I wish I could just turn back the hands of time
To a time, and a place
Where I used to look forward to today
And tommorrow didn't seem like such a waste of time
you spelled tomorrow wrong

Now all I have are memories
I don't even remember what I did today
But yesterday, I remember it so vividly
I haven't heard a sound since you left
But what you said to me
Is inscribed in my memory
Don't let me forget you

If I could go back
I could make things better
Only to worsen what's to come
I've become unwelcome here
I wish I could just turn back the hands of time
To a time, and a place
Where I used to look forward to today
And tommorrow didn't seem like such a waste of time

Today won't mean anything to me
Until tommorrow comes
Today doesn't mean anything to me
Today doesn't mean anything to me
But yesterday is everything to me

If I could go back
I could make things better
maybe instead of the word "thing" try life or something
Only to worsen what's to come
I've become unwelcome here
I wish I could just turn back the hands of time
To a time, and a place
Where I used to look forward to today
And tommorrow didn't seem like such a waste of time
#5
I really like it, and could really relate to it, but I'm sure alot of people can, cause there is usually a time in everyones life where they wish the can go back and not have to live something or do something.

so overall its a really kickass song, but I agree with the guy that said change could to would, it makes it flow more, and like does make it sound stronger.
#6
i agree with the previous guy. change could to would. i like this song but to me it jut seems average. you repeat some words when they arent needed and

Today won't mean anything to me
Until tommorrow comes
Today doesn't mean anything to me
Today doesn't mean anything to me
But yesterday is everything to me

i dont really like this part. it just doesnt flow very much and it just feels weird. also in the stuff i do i like to put quite a bit of rhyming, so maybe that why. IMO its not bad but it could be alot better and be really good. and thanks for the crit
#7
Your first stanza stuck out, and was well done. As for the rest of it, I found it to be alright. I felt as if it kept jumping back and forth from past to future.

Overall it's pretty good in my opinion.
#8
Quote by tjfishrocker
i agree with the previous guy. change could to would. i like this song but to me it jut seems average. you repeat some words when they arent needed and

Today won't mean anything to me
Until tommorrow comes
Today doesn't mean anything to me
Today doesn't mean anything to me
But yesterday is everything to me

i dont really like this part. it just doesnt flow very much and it just feels weird. also in the stuff i do i like to put quite a bit of rhyming, so maybe that why. IMO its not bad but it could be alot better and be really good. and thanks for the crit


See I liked thaty part, it may be that I can completley identify, and yeah its repeatative but I thought it was very good. I think that it just needs a little polishing, especially (to me at least) the 3rd stanza....idk, it seems choppy to me, unless that's what you were going for. Other than that great job!
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#9
I really like it! I definately feel like I can relate. As for flow, I agree with what the previous people have said, but then again, it may flow fine when it is sung and played. So I don't know. ^^;