#1
hopped on a bus but it wasn't enough and i swung around outside

i never held a cleaver i couldnt swing around forever
in a bar in berlin i made the girls ask for the nude text message commercials be turned off

i left her a little lightheaded as she left for the night last night
the president is really a performance artist
a fad where kids practice gymnastics until they can walk on all fours like deer


not wasting away all these days but practicing for the explosion

if anyone comes in my bedroom who isn't invited they die

scared sober by the oncoming cars
scared straight by cops dogs

I used to own the night,
now all i have is my porch.
#2
Such a cool edge. You are British, aren't you ?

I really can't pick anything out I didn't particularly like. Read well, and like I said, coole dge.

I'll try to get to your next one better.

Post your links for Wotm, too.
#3
this reminded me of we_have_sound who you may have seen around (have a read of him if not, i'm fairly sure you'll like). though, i wasn't overly impressed with this. the 'stylised' structure or lack of, and the seemingly contrived way of expressing what were pretty simple ideas. also, if i'm reading poetry i want at least some consistency in the flow or rhythm. you had no flow. it was as if i was reading what you jotted down as notes to form a poem later.

if you feel like it, please https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=951008.
#4
Agree with samoo completely. As disconnected ideas, they're all great, but they need more structure to make them more palatable. Also, while the ideas are there, they themselves don't seem structured enough to work entirely, having unneeded words etc.

I didn't say much, but I'd love a look at the piece in my sig. Especially if you are British, haha.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5

i didn't like the bedroom line, or the berlin line. the rest - well,i liked what you were saying, but not really how you said it. too convoluted. your voice was muted because you used a syntax that seemed to twist and turn when all it really needed was a straight road.

ps. it's a strange thing to be a recommended read. cheers samoo




love is a dog from hell.