#1
the cigarettes i dip into my swimming pool
die in a watery moonlit ceremony
whereby each mini tide observes
a separate filter to filter performance

and play i gentle dinnermusic
of piano, strings etc. to highlight the occasion
to gaze in gentle terror
as each one (is undone)

it's a civil shock that will never leave me
for the rain begins to patter also
as i stand confused in a universe i do not understand
my eyes fill up for no reason in particular

but for the reasons which are present always
in the watery tint of everywhere.

(i call them the tears of the stars)
Last edited by skagitup at Sep 6, 2008,
#2
i don't understand why you write your poetry in such, song form? i'll give you some feedback if you let me know whether this is set to a melody or not.
#3
song form?

it doesn't even rhyme. i haven't posted songs here in months...
#4
The only thing that slightly spoiled this beautiful read was the last line of the first stanza. Getting past that bit of clutter though, this is the best use of certain techniques I've seen from you yet (combining words, parenthesis, even 'etc.' sounded good here). Wonderful.


And I knew right away from the title that you'd written it.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#5
Feel it would be stronger if the last line didn't feel terribly dull and unoriginal.

Everything but the last three lines was really good, man. Much improved content, nice presentation, and balls to use the words/phrases you want.

But yeah, like i said with your last too, that imagery is a bit tedious.
#6
Quote by Jammydude44
Feel it would be stronger if the last line didn't feel terribly dull and unoriginal.

Everything but the last three lines was really good, man. Much improved content, nice presentation, and balls to use the words/phrases you want.

But yeah, like i said with your last too, that imagery is a bit tedious.


i wrote this quite aware that you'd hate the last line and say the imagery is getting boring.

over and over, the things that you find predictable generally appear to be my favourites (which is a shame).
#7
Lol.

I just feel you have more of an edge in you than this kinda soppy stars and moon things.

I've always thought you come across more street than that.
#8
For whatever reason (lack of cohesion in rhyme, meter, content, ect. ) I felt like you had no control over what you were writing. When it feels like you have no control, then it makes it uncomfortable for others to really have complete faith in what you're writing (as it feels like you don't). How many times was this revised? It seemed rambling and with a central image that was constantly shifting. Every stanza was so separate that it underlined the disassociation between the subjects.

hope you're doing well alex. wish u were here
#9
i love the way you write, and very much hope you continue to write like this.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#10
This didn't hit me at all until now (about the fifth reading). The last line still didn't do much for me though.

Pointed note: I think this is improved greatly by having a cig
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
Quote by skagitup
song form?

it doesn't even rhyme. i haven't posted songs here in months...

Read it. It reads like a song. You don't expand on what you have in your head; all the repetition in your new ones is bollocks. It's like a poor Dylan attempt and I think you know it.
#12
I'm with Dylan, this didn't quite push my buttons. I just really enjoyed reading it because it has some sort of rhythm even though it's completely lacking of rhyme or any evident meter. I just couldn't latch onto anything. There were lots of separate little images that were so great, that fit into the poem but in the end meant jack shit to me.

I still don't really know what you're trying to say with the poem, if you're trying to say anything. It's like what I used to try to do(much much better pulled off than the crap I'd write) when I passed through this sort of tableau vivant phase. I can reduce this whole poem to:

I was throwing cigarette butts into a swimming pool. I was playing some soft music. Then you talk about terror, shock and the rain which must be some obscure image for something I fail to see. Then you stand up and start to cry for no reason at all, except for the reasons that are everywhere.

Now that is probably a very unjust analysis of your poem but what I'm trying to say is that that's all you've communicated to me after 6 or 7 reads and I'm not really willing to read again to find out what the **** you're trying to say. You can leave interpretation up to the reader in poems but you can't leave us fumbling around with nothing to base ourselves on.


I also remember a time you said you didn't understand why people posted poetry on these boards. . The poem reads very nicely and has interesting images, it just doesn't work for me. I'll come haunt you when I need a crit.
#13
it's about death, conf. your third paragraph is exactly everything i wanted to say in the poem. i was putting out cigarettes in a pool (watching them "die") played music for a funeral type thing, go on to be terrified and upset by the whole situation, and cry for the reasons that are "everywhere" i.e. just the terror of knowing that people are dying every second of every day, like the cigarettes i was putting out. no particular reason i used cigarettes, i just liked the imagery, although i'm sure i could think up some obscure justification if i was in the mood.

it's my fault that you didn't get the death thing. leaving too much/not enough to the interpretation is something i've always struggled with. i feel i'm getting better with it, and i really really appreciate people like you giving me a genuine interpretation of things, instead of alluding to "cliche" imagery and how it flows. not to sound arrogant, but i kind of feel that i'm beyond those crits now. i myself can identify when things are cliche or don't flow well - it's my choice to leave them in if that's the case. saying that, there were some very helpful comments elsewhere (particularly dylan) so thanks (almost) everyone else.

Quote by samoo
Read it. It reads like a song. You don't expand on what you have in your head; all the repetition in your new ones is bollocks. It's like a poor Dylan attempt and I think you know it.


repetition? there's no repetition in this whatsoever. dylan attempt? it's not an attempt at mimicking anyone. i find the suggestion pretty offensive since as originality is pretty much the thing i've been working on exclusively for months. my more recent things have been influenced a little more by naturalistic imagery and strange syntax/grammar. if i'm attempting to copy anyone, it's probably e.e. cummings.
Last edited by skagitup at Sep 9, 2008,
#14
the cigarettes i dip into my swimming pool
die in a watery moonlit ceremony
whereby each mini tide observes
a separate filter to filter performance

Love all of the first stanza. I love the imagery, sets such a beautiful scene... out of just two fags.


and play i gentle dinnermusic
of piano, strings etc. to highlight the occasion
to gaze in gentle terror ( liked this too)
as each one (is undone) (The brackets don' add much for me)

it's a civil shock that will never leave me
for the rain begins to patter also
as i stand confused in a universe i do not understand
my eyes fill up for no reason in particular (is it really no reason in particular, or just too many reasons to name? )

but for the reasons which are present always
in the watery tint of everywhere.

I like it up until here, I think this brings the poem to a full and great resolution.

(i call them the tears of the stars)

I loved it because of the last line

As opposed to Jamie, I really liked this line. It pulls me out of the scene you've set, pulls me from this melancholy, serene scene and takes us way up to the stars, to look down. It gives the whole thing a holistic world approach. 'this isn't just me, it's (death, hardship?) everyone'.

'in the watery tint of everywhere.' you say it here, but it I feel it in the last line.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
Last edited by meh! at Sep 9, 2008,
#15
Quote by skagitup
repetition? there's no repetition in this whatsoever. dylan attempt? it's not an attempt at mimicking anyone. i find the suggestion pretty offensive since as originality is pretty much the thing i've been working on exclusively for months. my more recent things have been influenced a little more by naturalistic imagery and strange syntax/grammar. if i'm attempting to copy anyone, it's probably e.e. cummings.

Your recent poetry has been Dylan all over and you admitted his influence a couple weeks ago. Maybe you don't realize his influence or maybe I see more similarities because a writer reads their own work differently to others. Admit that you've been mimicking Dylan's repetition in recent times.. I'm not talking about this piece really. It's images were good but what the ****? I'm not looking for a headache man, you know?
#16
Quote by skagitup

it's my fault that you didn't get the death thing. leaving too much/not enough to the interpretation is something i've always struggled with. i feel i'm getting better with it, and i really really appreciate people like you giving me a genuine interpretation of things, instead of alluding to "cliche" imagery and how it flows. not to sound arrogant, but i kind of feel that i'm beyond those crits now. i myself can identify when things are cliche or don't flow well - it's my choice to leave them in if that's the case. saying that, there were some very helpful comments elsewhere (particularly dylan) so thanks (almost) everyone else.



why are you bothering to leave anything to interpretation? most people are too straight to see anything beyond their home and job anyway. just fucking tell them.




love is a dog from hell.



#17
Quote by we have sound

why are you bothering to leave anything to interpretation? most people are too straight to see anything beyond their home and job anyway. just fucking tell them.



Personally, I think that, if you've 'got something to say' then the point of poetry is to make them feel it. There's no point in someone simply understanding, rationally, what you intending to 'say' if you can't get them to feel it. And simply stating it doesn't make someone feel.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#18
Quote by meh!
Personally, I think that, if you've 'got something to say' then the point of poetry is to make them feel it. There's no point in someone simply understanding, rationally, what you intending to 'say' if you can't get them to feel it. And simply stating it doesn't make someone feel.



it does if you feel it yourself and tell it in the right way. mankind has been telling stories for thousands of years. stories inspire feelings in a much more direct way that any hidden depths of imagery or verse.




love is a dog from hell.



#19
Quote by we have sound

it does if you feel it yourself and tell it in the right way. mankind has been telling stories for thousands of years. stories inspire feelings in a much more direct way that any hidden depths of imagery or verse.



I don't think so. I think that with the best poets that, wether you 'get it' or not, you'll feel what they were trying to say.

I mean, I've loved Seamus Heaney (he's always been my favourite poet) since not long after I was old enough to read, even now I couldn't tell you what most of his poems are 'about', but his 'depths of imagery', as it were, make me really feel. And I think he meant for it to do that.

Of course I think this is one area where i'm happy to simply accept that we want different things, so we can agree to disagree.


Side note: Is this considered spam? lol
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#20
Quote by meh!
I don't think so. I think that with the best poets that, wether you 'get it' or not, you'll feel what they were trying to say.

I mean, I've loved Seamus Heaney (he's always been my favourite poet) since not long after I was old enough to read, even now I couldn't tell you what most of his poems are 'about', but his 'depths of imagery', as it were, make me really feel. And I think he meant for it to do that.

Of course I think this is one area where i'm happy to simply accept that we want different things, so we can agree to disagree.


Side note: Is this considered spam? lol



sidenote: no.

Seamu is a boring old fart, but beyond that moot point, even he tells a story. It just amuses me that anyone would want the reader intruding so far into their work that they have to put their face through the page to understand any of it. writing is two dimensional and has always been - and that's the way it's meant to be. words on paper = feelings in heart but only if you understand what they're saying.




love is a dog from hell.



#21
it's my thread and i don't consider it spam.

and samoo: i don't know why you're out to get me or something. i've got nothing to lose by admitting that i'm trying to mimic someone. if it's anyone (like i said earlier), it's cummings (my wotw a couple weeks back was directly inspired by this - the four word lines/the rhythm/the naturalistic imagery).

sure, i noticed dylan repeating lines and changing stuff a great deal in his sestina piece, and i incorporated that a few times. i stopped doing that a while back, actually, but i still would entirely dispute that it's in any way a "mimic" or a "dylan attempt". i mean, it's a mimic in the same sense that writing in iambic pentameter is a "poor shakespeare attempt", but i like to think that as a writer i'm free to use whatever techniques i like without being accused of some kind of mild degree of plagiarism (especially for a piece that i think is typically "me". check out billyjsons first reply).

if i agreed with what you were saying, i'd readily admit it (as i have done with various criticisms throughout the course of response to the piece). i just think that what you've said was pretty unfounded (and pretty untrue).
#22
Quote by we have sound


Seamu is a boring old fart, but beyond that moot point, even he tells a story. It just amuses me that anyone would want the reader intruding so far into their work that they have to put their face through the page to understand any of it. writing is two dimensional and has always been - and that's the way it's meant to be. words on paper = feelings in heart but only if you understand what they're saying.


'intruding'? I'd imagine that they'd want the person to 'intrude' into their writing as much as they could.

I don't think there's much point in arguing about the rest, we obviously want different things from poetry, which is how it should be.

Also, I'd add that Seamus Heaney is the greatest poet in the world and his dad could totally beat up your dad.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#23
Quote by skagitup
it's my thread and i don't consider it spam.

and samoo: i don't know why you're out to get me or something. i've got nothing to lose by admitting that i'm trying to mimic someone. if it's anyone (like i said earlier), it's cummings (my wotw a couple weeks back was directly inspired by this - the four word lines/the rhythm/the naturalistic imagery).

Nah man, I just know you appreciate honest feedback. You don't have to admit anything. Cummings is inspiring I shall read that piece.

What Chris speaks, is truth. I prefer it when you directly let the reader know what's going on. You remember that prose series you started? Inspired by a true event; it involved your mate doing coke. My advice would be to write more prosey more direct poetry?
#24
Chris and I have had this discussion before, then we never found a level plain, nor will you all. Chris doesn't speak truth, but Chris does speak truth. Enjoyment is subjective.

I like to let a reader in, but I also like them to activate a brain cell or two in order to get the full feel of what I meant, that is a balance that can never be reached within a single piece.


the cigarettes i dip into my swimming pool
die in a watery moonlit ceremony
whereby each mini tide observes
a separate filter to filter performance

Hmmm, "Watery" is redundant, if it's a swimming pool it's hardly filled with Jello, so you've wasted 3 syllables you could have put to better use. Despite you feeling you're beyond people telling you what flows and what doesn't I will anyway, just so I know you know..."whereby each mini" off my tongue doesn't flow, that and "mini tide" is just so plain, sure you like to tell it like it is, but you don't need imagery to say the same thing with different words. As for the last line performance sounds so out of place, for the image you're creating, one of death and serenity, performance is about as pointless as a dead man's sack race.

and play i gentle dinnermusic
of piano, strings etc. to highlight the occasion
to gaze in gentle terror
as each one (is undone)

A little bit of meat here, I can't really pick on anything major. However, beginning your stanza with "and" put me off, if it's a new stanza, a new image, start afresh. I'm not sure what "gentle terror" brings out for me, for me the gulf between the two words destroys the image you were aiming at, that might just be me, I don't think terror is the right word, again it's a case of sustaining a feel you've laid down with the preceding lines, here I'd find a word with a prefix, one that without said prefix would fit nicely into the feel..."unease" for instance.

it's a civil shock that will never leave me
for the rain begins to patter also
as i stand confused in a universe i do not understand
my eyes fill up for no reason in particular

Really got a sense of your intended flow with the first 2 lines here, patter is a hard word to pull off but I feel you did enough. My only qualm here is "civil shock" for me again you're stepping out of the overall feel and pushing the reader away from the scene you're trying to immerse them in. Nothing much else to say.

but for the reasons which are present always
in the watery tint of everywhere.

(i call them the tears of the stars)

I'll be honest, I am going to leave this piece thinking about those last 3 lines, and not in a good way. You began with a good scene and began to develop it further, then you throw this at us, in my eyes it was predictable, of all the bodies of water you had at your disposal you chose tears. I don't know what to say about this ending in fairness.

Overall you've got the ideas but to engage the reader and to sustain an image, or sense of connection with the reader throughout you have to be far more aware of your word choices, how each one builds or subsequently destroys the image you're creating.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#25
Quote by The Hurt Within
Chris doesn't speak truth, but Chris does speak truth.

Yeah dawg that's deep.



Alex, will you post more prose? Write a freakin' story with your ideas man.
#26
Well I think your writing is fine, but I have an issue with your name, and it's the same issue I have with several other writers on here. How is it pronounced? I suppose Ska Git Up! is the most likely, which is pretty cool, but totally irrelevant to the style of your pieces. I'm personally hoping for 'Skag it up', like that's a slang term. Hey, let's go Skag It Up downtown tonight. I might introduce that into my lexicon without even knowing what it means, it sounds so damn cool.