#1
C4C (leave link)


When the device screams, the family shuts up;
breaks the silence to listen to the great
maker of opinion of our running times.
Silence, however, is not always made of
gold. The golden days are long forgotten.
Reality shows will hypnotize your mind.
Mind the game,
we’re all to blame;
the box of silence screams your name!
Hear thy call!
It’s the greatest of all times!
It’s worshiped in the prime time,
standing in a shelf that later
became an altar, while
values were altered.
The box of silence screams your name!

When the device is shut down, the family
remains silent, there is no dialogue.
The kid goes to his room to play CS on the PC,
while the father snores in the couch;
Mom goes to bed and reads a magazine,
Thinking about the next episode of
the soap opera.
The box of silence took her mind!
Exorcise!
Take the demon out of her brains!
Mind games will be taken to another
whole different level of complexity.
If you wanna know what
will happen next, just
turn on the device and
watch today’s episode.
The box of silence is in control!
#2
well man i liked it, but i dont know, it was just alright to me, not trying to be mean just rying to help you improve, i didnt really enjoy the here thy call!, or the exorcise! parts. also the lack of rhyming, i can over ryhme at times, but i look at this as more poetry than a song, but i guess i cant hear the medley either so who know, all in all it was good, just not great, there are parts in there that lead me to b elieve you can do better man, keep it up, c4c?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=952009
#4
Quote by seventh_angel
C4C (leave link)


When the device screams, the family shuts up;
I like the blunt way you wrote this.
breaks the silence to listen to the great
maker of opinion of our running times.
This is not great, I have to say. Normally your work is very pristine and has the common attributes of quality in amongst themselves, but this lacks punch and emotion. I can see what is going on though.
Silence, however, is not always made of
gold. The golden days are long forgotten.
Awesome line break.
Reality shows will hypnotize your mind.
Mind the game,
we’re all to blame;
Where have you gone, mate? You've fallen off the track with this.
the box of silence screams your name!
Hear thy call!
It’s the greatest of all times!
It’s worshiped in the prime time,
standing in a shelf that later
became an altar, while
values were altered.
Nice word choices.
The box of silence screams your name!
Are you trying to be cheesey?

When the device is shut down, the family
remains silent, there is no dialogue.
The kid goes to his room to play CS on the PC,
Counter Strike! WOOT!
while the father snores in the couch;
Mom goes to bed and reads a magazine,
Thinking about the next episode of
the soap opera.
The box of silence took her mind!
Exorcise!
Take the demon out of her brains!
Mind games will be taken to another
whole different level of complexity.
If you wanna know what
will happen next, just
turn on the device and
watch today’s episode.
The box of silence is in control!


This feels very weak for you mate. The exclamation marks feel childish while the subject matter is quite topical and elderly.
Your line breaks are of course better than ever, but your slightly boring word choices and cliched way of portraying the imagery is just not you at all.

If this felt more like an experiment, I can understand, but it honestly feels like you lost your head and your gorgeous abilities and replaced them with this... stuff.
I think that everything is repeated too much. Although I am certainly intrigued and I want to read on after the first line, you seem to return to that similar wording and it just drives on in a very uncomfortable old car where the heating doesn't work... and guess what? We're driving through the desert!
It needs to go somewhere else, fly off into the water and cool off and then delve back into the heat. It needs a cold shower, wash away that nasty sweat.
To do that I would reckonmend removing all the cliched lines, remove any excess backage in other words and narrow it down to a few keen lines and then let them stray away for a while and see what you can come up with. Loose the "silence" and "box" ideas as well.
Thats all I can say.

Its good to read your stuff again, btw.

Digitally Clean
#5
Quote by seventh_angel
C4C (leave link)


When the device screams, the family shuts up;
breaks the silence to listen to the great
maker of opinion of our running times.

I really like the first line....starting the second line with 'break' doesn't really start out well and doesn't do much for the emotion that you started in the first line...

Silence, however, is not always made of
gold. The golden days are long forgotten.
Reality shows will hypnotize your mind.
Mind the game,
we’re all to blame;
the box of silence screams your name!

I don't like the repetition of silence here and the last line just seems really awkward...Now, 'mind the game/we're all to blame' part just feels like a forced rhyme....doesn't really work with this either (to me you can gap it out)

Hear thy call!
It’s the greatest of all times!
It’s worshiped in the prime time,
standing in a shelf that later
became an altar, while
values were altered.
The box of silence screams your name!

Again, last line is awkward, the rest of this is pretty good (best part so far

When the device is shut down, the family
remains silent, there is no dialogue.
The kid goes to his room to play CS on the PC,
while the father snores in the couch;
Mom goes to bed and reads a magazine,
Thinking about the next episode of
the soap opera.

This was decent

The box of silence took her mind!
Exorcise!
Take the demon out of her brains!
Mind games will be taken to another
whole different level of complexity.
If you wanna know what
will happen next, just
turn on the device and
watch today’s episode.
The box of silence is in control!

This could be better


Dude, I'm with AG, the box of silence is a real cheesy line...there were quite few parts in there that I did like....other than that the rest kinda took from it....
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#6
I think everyone is looking into the actual structure far too much and missing the actual message of the piece. It's skatepunk, it's not supposed to be pretty because it's about the meaning. It's very in your face about the destruction of the times at the hands of the television and the network producers throwing their trash at the general population, and having america eat it up as their brains run out their ears. I can literally hear how this would go in my head, complete with the backing vocals where you mentioned a few posts above. I dig the piece man.


If you could, C4C on Mary Don't Leave me Now in my sig.