#1
crit for crit? be happy.

Fingers, bare and gentle
wander across world-soaked sands
where time will go and
stay a while.
Shining shards of softened glow
fall, fragmented on my face
and my hair and my
smile.
Inhaling tastes sweeter than ever
to the mind and the memory
for these are the keys to
bring back a lifetime.
Every day is a minute longer
every breath an intake shorter,
and I can grasp to mould
and touch the essence of our
happiness- a basic word with
eternal meaning, so that
the stars will whisper our names
and drape us in realisation.
Oh, what it is to exist.
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust.
But I'm scared i'll get scared and i swear i'll try to nail you back up.



Female SouperHero
#2
Quote by cofinboy
crit for crit? be happy.

Fingers, bare and gentle
wander across world-soaked sands
like the kinda double alliteration here
where time will go and
stay a while.
i like how you made this two lines, its a small touch, but it has a big effect in my view
Shining shards of softened glow
fall, fragmented on my face
and my hair and my
smile.
more interesting enjamdment
Inhaling tastes sweeter than ever
to the mind and the memory
for these are the keys to
bring back a lifetime.
the last two lines above are prolly my favorite so far
Every day is a minute longer
every breath an intake shorter,
and I can grasp to mould
and touch the essence of our
happiness- a basic word with
eternal meaning, so that
the stars will whisper our names
and drape us in realisation.
Oh, what it is to exist.



You show a lot of talent, I loved all of the great alliterations you used. You used many of the great poetic tools to make a great piece.

I'm not much of a poet, more of a songwriter, take a look at my latest song and lemme know whatcha think? Thanks- Matlock
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=951796
#3
i thought this was rather excellent.
the beginning was great. but from "every day..." onwards, it was perfection.
the ending line was simple, but i found it very effective without being hackneyed or trite.
really really enjoyed reading it.