#1
Our ability to act
Separates us
From the vermin
On CNN and Fox news
Change it from the bottom up
Hack giants down
Burn crops to ash
Make change your prime objective
You are soldiers of the mind, Terrorists of thought
You will liberate the lost sheep
You are soldiers of the mind, Terrorists of thought
There’s no weapon that can stop you
View the darkness as a friend
Move in shadow
Cause an uproar
The world can be your ally
Don your goggles and ski mask
Put your head down
Rush the tear gas
How strong are your convictions
You are soldiers of the mind, Terrorists of thought
You will liberate the lost sheep
You are soldiers of the mind, Terrorists of thought
There’s no weapon that can stop you


C4C as always.
Eyes
Quote by woodenbandman
My dear man, I must petition you for photographic evidence, or the described events cannot be verified, and will be written off as fallacy.
#2
Quote by FeiRei
Our ability to act
Separates us
From the vermin
On CNN and Fox news
Change it from the bottom up
Hack giants down
like the up/down contrast
Burn crops to ash
Make change your prime objective
good advice
You are soldiers of the mind, Terrorists of thought
great line, like seriously
You will liberate the lost sheep
You are soldiers of the mind, Terrorists of thought
still great line, even with the repetition
There’s no weapon that can stop you
View the darkness as a friend
Move in shadow
Cause an uproar
a semi-contradiciton, don't know if it was intentional or not but it's great
The world can be your ally
Don your goggles and ski mask
Put your head down
Rush the tear gas
good imagery
How strong are your convictions
You are soldiers of the mind, Terrorists of thought
You will liberate the lost sheep
You are soldiers of the mind, Terrorists of thought
There’s no weapon that can stop you


C4C as always.

i loved this man, i've done about 8 or 9 crits today and this is perhaps the best i've read so far. You had some killer lines in there.

take a look at mine? thanks- Matlock
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=951796
#3
Thank you very much ^^
Eyes
Quote by woodenbandman
My dear man, I must petition you for photographic evidence, or the described events cannot be verified, and will be written off as fallacy.
#4
I really liked it, really good use of imagery, and the oxymorons peppered in are really nice, gives a good feel to it

The views are true, and ring out, I deff like this one man

Bravo
#5
Quote by FeiRei
Our ability to act
Separates us
From the vermin
On CNN and Fox news The CNN makes this a really wordy line to say
Change it from the bottom up
Hack giants down
Burn crops to ash These three lines are by far the highlight of your piece. Great imagery and spirit
Make change your prime objective
You are soldiers of the mind, Terrorists of thought
You will liberate the lost sheep
You are soldiers of the mind, Terrorists of thought
There’s no weapon that can stop you The wording is alright, but I'm not really sensing the flow in the sheep and weapon lines. I assume this is meant to be a song/rap, and I just don't see it flowing that well
View the darkness as a friend
Move in shadow
Cause an uproar
The world can be your ally
Don your goggles and ski mask These last few lines are respectable if not memorable
Put your head down
Rush the tear gas
How strong are your convictions I like these ones better
You are soldiers of the mind, Terrorists of thought
You will liberate the lost sheep
You are soldiers of the mind, Terrorists of thought
There’s no weapon that can stop you


C4C as always.


The biggest question I have on this is flow. It's written in song format, but in the verse lines there are no rhymes and the lines totally vary in number of syllables. I've seen great songs that share those characteristics, but it's extremely tough to pull off. I'm interested to see whether this could really flow in a song. Lyrically, there are some great lines and some regular ones, but nothing that drags it down. Good effort.

C4C appreciated, unfortunately, due to forum timeline rules, you'll need to do my newest piece 'Of Felons and Fathers' (link in my signature) because I think you'd more enjoy 'Airports'.
#6
Our ability to act
Separates us
From the vermin
On CNN and Fox news When I write personally I would direct it towards all news
Change it from the bottom up
Hack giants down Sounds corny
Burn crops to ash I don't think it fits well with the song
Make change your prime objective
You are soldiers of the mind, Terrorists of thought
You will liberate the lost sheep I think that you could make a much better chorus.
You are soldiers of the mind, Terrorists of thought
There’s no weapon that can stop you
View the darkness as a friend
Move in shadow
Cause an uproar
Great part
The world can be your ally This part isn't really following the song?
Don your goggles and ski mask This part kinda comes from funny because not everyone has ski masks but I think you should put in something that everyone might have.
Put your head down
Rush the tear gas
???
How strong are your convictions
You are soldiers of the mind, Terrorists of thought
You will liberate the lost sheep
You are soldiers of the mind, Terrorists of thought
There’s no weapon that can stop you


C4C as always.


I love the song but I think that some parts don't go along with the message or the meaning?