#1
A song/poem I've been working on for awhile- critique if you please...


Insomnia

Darkness swamps light
the oceans and tides
an island adrift in the sea

A pinprick of light
in the enveloping night
alone in the blight but for me

Bloodshot
Drifting
Alone
(Insomnia)

Currents of conciousness
push trains of thought
towards the inevitable dawn

Lucid but raving
I alone saving
myself in the beckoning song

Churning
Turning
Endless
(Insomnia)

The white light burns, it chars my skin
the ocean black, it pulls me in

Shadows peer in
from alcoves of sin
salivating tounges loll

Dangling from threads
lop off their heads
they cackle as they roll

Bloodshot
Drifting
Alone
(Insomnia)

Cavorting spite
an abscess of light
nameless currents below

Prancing on needles
redefine evil
the coldest grip of snow

Churning
Turning
Endless
(Insomnia)

The white light burns, it chars my skin
The ocean black, it pulls me in

The white light burns, it chars my skin
The ocean black, it pulls me in

(Insomnia)
Last edited by Darksucker at Sep 13, 2008,
#2
i remembered when you first posted this. This has gotten so much better! And it was great before. good stuff man.
Quote by metalcore123
I hate trying to cover up my cheese in school because the bimbo next to me dislikes the smell of pure love.

I'm bringing farts back!
#3
Quote by SoftParade1967
i remembered when you first posted this. This has gotten so much better! And it was great before. good stuff man.


EEERRRRMMMMM....

this is the first time I've posted this...

I certainly appreciate the encouragement...

But is there another Darksucker out there???
#4
good shit man..sounds like somethin morrison would be puttin out with the rest of the doors doing an extended break for his poetry..which is a compliment...anyway, written verry well though.
#5
Quote by Darksucker
EEERRRRMMMMM....

this is the first time I've posted this...

I certainly appreciate the encouragement...

But is there another Darksucker out there???


oh shit im sorry i know there was some one else in here who wrote a song called Insomnia! It was kinda similer. Im sorry I got mixed up! Still great though! sorry again i feel stupid.
Quote by metalcore123
I hate trying to cover up my cheese in school because the bimbo next to me dislikes the smell of pure love.

I'm bringing farts back!
#6
I liked it a whole lot. IT maintained a good level of intensity throughout, which I liked.

Creepy. :P
The Wheel of Time turns. What was may be again, and what is may yet pass...
#8
Quote by Darksucker
A song/poem I've been working on for awhile- critique if you please...


Insomnia

Darkness swamps light
the oceans and tides
an island adrift in the sea A strong opening, although islands technically are not 'adrift', but whatev

A pinprick of light
in the enveloping night
alone in the blight but for me

Bloodshot
Drifting
Alone
(Insomnia)

Currents of conciousness
push trains of thought
towards the enevitable dawn 'inevitable' but these are great lines, good imagery and stays on topic

Lucid but raving
I alone saving
myself in the beckoning song

Churning
Turning
Endless
(Insomnia)

The white light burns, it chars my skin
the ocean black, it pulls me in

Shadows peer in
from alcoves of sin
salivating tounges loll The first two lines of this, coming off the previous stanza, form the best bit of flow in the piece, really great. The last line, while vivid, may kind of screw up the flow. That depends on song or poem. In a poem it works, in a song, it's tough to flow with that.

Dangling from threads
lop off their heads
they cackle as they roll

Bloodshot
Drifting
Alone
(Insomnia)

Cavorting spite
an absess of light abscess? or abyss?
nameless currents below

Prancing on needles
redefine evil
the coldest grip of snow more great lines

Churning
Turning
Endless
(Insomnia)

The white light burns, it chars my skin
The ocean black, it pulls me in

The white light burns, it chars my skin
The ocean black, it pulls me in

(Insomnia)



What I love about this piece is that this forum is home to 5 or 6 songs a day tackling a similar theme with similar imagery. But none of them take it to the extreme of darkness with the flow and grotesqueness that this one does. Only one that comes to mind is sleep sickness' 'Frida Kahlo' which I highly advise you to read. But that one couldn't be a song like this one could. Lyrically it's very tight, all on subject, no filler lines.

c4c always appreciated, link in my signature!
#9
Love the flow of this - from someone who experiences insomnia time to time you've captured the loneliness of it. Great work...
#10
Well done. I have to say, the chorus (white light burns) really stood out to me. I don't know why but I can embrace the feeling in it.
The only problem I had was the "churning, turning" part.
I don't really know how it's supposed to go, but in my head it seemed like a gap.
Everything has one theme to it, which is excellent.
8/10. Amazing Job.
Quote by Cobain_is_king

Seth: 1
A7X: 0
#11
Thank you, all, my latest is the Reckoning, if you crit and post a link I'll be happy to review any stuff you have. Link in sig
#13
Insomnia

Darkness swamps light
the oceans and tides
an island adrift in the sea
Yeah, alright paragraph, the relationship between seas and darkness.

A pinprick of light
in the enveloping night
alone in the blight but for me
again, nice, blight instead of night works.

Bloodshot
Drifting
Alone
(Insomnia)

Seems like this is more then insomnia, so why not write it about something else? Or simply change the title, insomnia doesn't relaly make you 'alone' in the fairly important way you've described.

Currents of conciousness
push trains of thought
towards the inevitable dawn
Good

Lucid but raving
I alone saving
myself in the beckoning song

Churning
Turning
Endless
(Insomnia)

The white light burns, it chars my skin
the ocean black, it pulls me in


Shadows peer in
from alcoves of sin
salivating tounges loll

Dangling from threads
lop off their heads
they cackle as they roll

Bloodshot
Drifting
Alone
(Insomnia)

Cavorting spite
an abscess of light
nameless currents below

Prancing on needles
redefine evil
the coldest grip of snow

Churning
Turning
Endless
(Insomnia)

The white light burns, it chars my skin
The ocean black, it pulls me in

The white light burns, it chars my skin
The ocean black, it pulls me in

(Insomnia)


Right, there's not much to crit in the indivudal words (they're all good) but I think you should consider brining in the themes that develope later, earlier. They come in as a bit 'eh... what?' so try and ...reference them earlier in the piece, other than that good job.
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