#1
[b]"Kings Frog and Cricket"[/b]

It's not easy on a first-timer,
Giving himself away. So they
Turn meek as mice, they look
                            Away


It's nothing like having an eager one.
I want him to be shaking so hard he can't undo my buttons.
I want his heart to leap higher than it has for any girl
If it collapses, all the better!
It's as beautiful as killing a doe.
            

I had a boy in Spain,
    He had the impiety
    to make an eye at me
I pulled him by the knot on his red kerchief
Down the cobbled
stairs      into--
Well,

Me? I'm positive I know what I want
And I don't want it for long
Just to see him cross himself as he
fumbles
With the lock-- he sputter when he try to speak:

"The little boy has lost his voice!"

    "I've strung it on a harp!"

Run your fingers through me and make the air shake.
#2
I liked everything until "me?"

After that, I found the tone shift sort of discomforting. The last bit is like you wanted to say something deeply introspective that connects back, but you never hit on it. You just sort of fumbled around it. In and of itself, it would be fine... but it just seems a little less "on" than the rest of the piece which is unsettling.

Have a bump.
#3
I loved the use of metaphore's, especially "It's as beautiful as killing a doe." , however adding onto the point zanas made earlier it could of been a bit more even , beautiful poem though.
#4
i think the first two stanzas say everything you need; personally i'd get rid of everything else.
i also feel like a one sentence crit on this is enough right now, too, so it's probably just me.

i did like this though.
alot.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5
Quote by *Truly Ninja*
"Kings Frog and Cricket"

It's not easy on a first-timer,
Giving himself away. So they
Turn meek as mice, they look
Away

I like the humility and sincerity that is exposed here, it's very encouraging. To me this opener felt almost like a closer and that's what i like about it.


It's nothing like having an eager one.
I want him to be shaking so hard he can't undo my buttons.
I want his heart to leap higher than it has for any girl
If it collapses, all the better!
It's as beautiful as killing a doe.

The intimacy and lustfulness yet vicious and fierce in delivery made a good formula here. The deranged state that your character emits was appealing.


I had a boy in Spain,
He had the impiety
to make an eye at me
I pulled him by the knot on his red kerchief
Down the cobbled
stairs into--
Well,

Me? I'm positive I know what I want
And I don't want it for long
Just to see him cross himself as he
fumbles
With the lock-- he sputter when he try to speak:

"The little boy has lost his voice!"

"I've strung it on a harp!"

Run your fingers through me and make the air shake.

The lustfulness mentioned previously feels amplified here. Your character is in an even more deranged state of mine. The only problem i found with this is that the scenes don't seem to lapse together in a coherent sense but then again, this does suit the theme of a disturbed female suffering a retrospective trauma.


Overall I thought this was superb, I enjoyed.

PS: Can you check out my new piece "Caribbean Dreamin'" please?
Last edited by Bleed Away at Sep 11, 2008,
#6
i thought this was excellent. the opening couple of stanza's were really well put together and the images were really well written.
the ending was a little abrupt. i liked the quotations, but i felt the following line ended pretty poorly. imo it didn't give me a sense of completion.
i liked the layout btw. i haven't been on s&l in a long while so i don't know if this is something you often do but i like it
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(