#1
A white Dress stains this floor
a hungry void wanting excess
a fast breath escapes your lips
as a gentle motion starts your hips

a vain and self absorbed dance ensues
an ocean of predetermined desires
only the precocious and jaded watch
and the innocent too afraid to try

Can you speak of the sounds of sirens
their call infecting your core
Can you hear the book of life
it's text speaking your words

Once again i awake, angry and frustrated
alone with my mind my solace
Not again will I awake, as i force myself to sleep
and dream ambrosia again

and your white dress stains my floor again
my solace changed to sweat
my frustration to desperation
and i'll sleep once again
#2
First off, I wanna thank you for your crit. It actually made me feel I'd written something of worth.

Secondlyy....
I loved your piece too, it reads incredibly maturely (can you even say that? haha, you know what i mean.) with a fantastic choice of vocabularly and the odd rhyme that you threw in made it flow alot better than it would've done without.
#3
Quote by Callumcafc
First off, I wanna thank you for your crit. It actually made me feel I'd written something of worth.

Secondlyy....
I loved your piece too, it reads incredibly maturely (can you even say that? haha, you know what i mean.) with a fantastic choice of vocabularly and the odd rhyme that you threw in made it flow alot better than it would've done without.


Thanks a lot, it means a lot to hear that coming from someone else of writing talent
I get a lot of people telling me that i'm good, but i don't take it with a lot of weight as they don't write
I try to get a less rhyme based style, but it fits where it fits i suppose =]
Let me know next time you get a piece up, i'm extremely interested to read more
#4
*claps* I must say, this is one of the most mature, and compelling screamo songs I have read. Good use of imagery. You also do a good job of painting a desolate mood. If you wouldn't mind checking out my song Terrorist of Though, which is linked in my sig.
Eyes
Quote by woodenbandman
My dear man, I must petition you for photographic evidence, or the described events cannot be verified, and will be written off as fallacy.
#6
First off, want to say thanks again for reading my piece, always good to get a fellow writer's opinion.

Now to your song, I've got to say well done, it's a really good piece of work. The fact that there isn't alot of rhyming adds to this piece as it makes it read better and more mature each time I read it. Your use of imagery is very strong and it helps to paint a very melancholy mood, which I'm thinking is what you were aiming for.

Let me know when you get this to music, I'd love to hear it.

-Toby
#7
Quote by Phoenix-Kun
A white Dress stains this floor
a hungry void wanting excess
a fast breath escapes your lips
as a gentle motion starts your hips
I like this first verse and the vocabulary in it i cant even spell half of them.

a vain and self absorbed dance ensues
an ocean of predetermined desires
only the precocious and jaded watch
and the innocent too afraid to try
I like this verse also some how it has flow but it doesnt rhyme.

Can you speak of the sounds of sirens
their call infecting your core
Can you hear the book of life
it's text speaking your words
I dont see how the last line fits but i quess its scremo so i could.

Once again i awake, angry and frustrated
alone with my mind my solace
Not again will I awake, as i force myself to sleep
and dream ambrosia again
I like it except some of the vocabulary is to confusing for me but thats what scremo is about words that confuse you and let you create your own story out of it.

and your white dress stains my floor again
my solace changed to sweat
my frustration to desperation
and i'll sleep once again
I like how you finnish this off


I like this peice of writing i would love to hear the song. As you can see i dont have mutch crit other than i would change that one line.
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


Quote by goest
You raped someone with a knife, didn't you?
#8
it will work as lyrics, sure. but you've got really work content here. you need to step back and look at your writing as though you're looking at somebody else's; really honestly evaluate it. if you're lucky you'll kick a kick up the butt from a ug'er, however more often than not if you critique your own shit- you'll get further.

a glance at my poem would be cool. it's on the front page.
#9
generally, i think this isn't bad at all. you definitely have some ability to write.

some of the problems here i think are that a lot of your ideas seem somewhat flippant and underdeveloped. you worked in some ideas to do with religion/myth with "book of life", "sounds of sirens" and you referred back to them, admittedly it was a little half-hearted, with dreams of "ambrosia. and that was nice to see. but there isn't enough cohesion. there doesn't seem to be much reason for its inclusion into the story. there doesn't always have to be, but it seems to serve the purpose of sounding quite good rather than adding much meaning. i think it's good that you tried to develop a conceit of sorts, but just needs to be refined.
you have other ideas like "white dress" "staining" the floor which is a nice contrast but i think you're too quick to abandon ideas. "a hungry void" is also a strong image, but again you can see there's not much development. the same goes for "an ocean of predetermined desires", the idea of ocean/sea or anything else is not really introduced or referred back to.
i want to strongly reiterate that you don't always have to one singular idea/metaphor and keep referring back to it. i just think it would be a good idea, and usually makes a piece stronger if you can develop ideas and really think about the words you are using. just like in poetry, you want pretty much each word you use to have a power and mean something. each line should generally add to your piece and make developing ideas stronger, rather than each line starting a new and unelaborated idea.

"Can you speak of the sounds of sirens
their call infecting your core
Can you hear the book of life
it's text speaking your words"

for isntance, you've used "infecting your core" here, but why? why "infecting"? Other than the "white dress" earlier there is no suggestions of purity ("white dress" is timid at best). And you don't really refer to any ideas of purity later. One thing that bugged me about the last line is that you aren't efficient enough with your words. You've already mentioned the "book of life", so the mention of "it's text" is redundant. If you had said "the book of life is speaking your words", it would have meant the same thing and the reader would have got that. So it's inclusion is an unnecessary waste/filler. You've also repeated "speak" in the verse, which you used in the first line. There's no reason for the repeat except for the fact you couldn't think of any other words to use. Generally "repeats" are a really good tool for emphasing things or recalling ideas. Having it unintentionally due to laziness is a bit of a waste.

i could say more, but i think you get the idea. i hope this didn't come across too harsh. your writing isn't bad at all. i just think a negative crit pointing out flaws would have been more helpful to you than a positive one praising what you did right, as i'm sure you know which parts are good and which ones are not. i think there's definitely potential for you to improve and look forward to reading more from you.
i have a piece in my sig. the one in bold is a prose piece, i'd appreciate if you could take a look but it is rather long, so no worries if you don't. or if you get a chance/time, the other two links in my sig are lyrics for my band in a somewhat similar genre to what you write. they're a bit old so you don't have to comment, but i'd be interested to hear your opinions.

anyways, i've ranted enough. peace out
#10
Quote by sleep sickness
generally, i think this isn't bad at all. you definitely have some ability to write.

some of the problems here i think are that a lot of your ideas seem somewhat flippant and underdeveloped. you worked in some ideas to do with religion/myth with "book of life", "sounds of sirens" and you referred back to them, admittedly it was a little half-hearted, with dreams of "ambrosia. and that was nice to see. but there isn't enough cohesion. there doesn't seem to be much reason for its inclusion into the story. there doesn't always have to be, but it seems to serve the purpose of sounding quite good rather than adding much meaning. i think it's good that you tried to develop a conceit of sorts, but just needs to be refined.
you have other ideas like "white dress" "staining" the floor which is a nice contrast but i think you're too quick to abandon ideas. "a hungry void" is also a strong image, but again you can see there's not much development. the same goes for "an ocean of predetermined desires", the idea of ocean/sea or anything else is not really introduced or referred back to.
i want to strongly reiterate that you don't always have to one singular idea/metaphor and keep referring back to it. i just think it would be a good idea, and usually makes a piece stronger if you can develop ideas and really think about the words you are using. just like in poetry, you want pretty much each word you use to have a power and mean something. each line should generally add to your piece and make developing ideas stronger, rather than each line starting a new and unelaborated idea.

"Can you speak of the sounds of sirens
their call infecting your core
Can you hear the book of life
it's text speaking your words"

for isntance, you've used "infecting your core" here, but why? why "infecting"? Other than the "white dress" earlier there is no suggestions of purity ("white dress" is timid at best). And you don't really refer to any ideas of purity later. One thing that bugged me about the last line is that you aren't efficient enough with your words. You've already mentioned the "book of life", so the mention of "it's text" is redundant. If you had said "the book of life is speaking your words", it would have meant the same thing and the reader would have got that. So it's inclusion is an unnecessary waste/filler. You've also repeated "speak" in the verse, which you used in the first line. There's no reason for the repeat except for the fact you couldn't think of any other words to use. Generally "repeats" are a really good tool for emphasing things or recalling ideas. Having it unintentionally due to laziness is a bit of a waste.

i could say more, but i think you get the idea. i hope this didn't come across too harsh. your writing isn't bad at all. i just think a negative crit pointing out flaws would have been more helpful to you than a positive one praising what you did right, as i'm sure you know which parts are good and which ones are not. i think there's definitely potential for you to improve and look forward to reading more from you.
i have a piece in my sig. the one in bold is a prose piece, i'd appreciate if you could take a look but it is rather long, so no worries if you don't. or if you get a chance/time, the other two links in my sig are lyrics for my band in a somewhat similar genre to what you write. they're a bit old so you don't have to comment, but i'd be interested to hear your opinions.

anyways, i've ranted enough. peace out


First of all, thank you for the negative Crit, I appriciate them, they help me see flaws in the piece

Second, as you read this, keep in mind it was written, in bulk, within 5 mins, so it was a literal flow of words, no thought given to structure, it was all instinctual

:The reference to the white dress was singular and non referenced again to purity was meant to signify that it was a false purity, a facade, referring back to it would have just made it seem to strong of a theme. The main focus in most my writing is to find the words and ideas to best give images to the reader.

I used the word Infecting for its strength and harshness. To give the image of something taking over your entire being, engulfing you in its wake. The line, its text speaking your words was meant only to keep the rhythm, as it is a song.

It didn't come off as harsh at all, but i did want to explain those parts
#11
only the precocious and jaded watch
and the innocent too afraid to try

i think that was one of the better lines i've read on this website, really good song man, i'm not a fan of screamo but i sang along to it and it sounded like it would compliment some heavy riffing and brutal drummer pretty damn good, solid job dude 8/10.

thanks for your crit by the way !
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#12
Man, this was a good write from start to finish, for the most part. flow, mood, syntax and diction, tone, everything just fits the criteria of a screamo song. Don't listen to screamo much myself, but i think this would be one that i would listen to nonetheless.

I have nothing really to critique which hasn't been said already, and that includes a lot of what sleep sickness said. I feel the same way about the metaphors, that they are only touched upon. i used to do the same thing a lot, so i know what (s)he means by that fact. Same goes for unnecessary words. However, i think that the good things outweigh the bad.



-DTH
Last edited by Duct Tape Hero at Mar 3, 2009,