#1
Just a bit of poignant fun.



To Evolve or not to Evolve? That is a stupid question

Rabbits are cute
Rabbits are keen
Rabbits make me sneeze
Rabbits like to fuck

Cows are fat
Cows are seen
Cows are persuasive
Cows are not ducks

Ducks are funny
Ducks are serene
Ducks are pervasive
Ducks are my friends?

Mice are cuter
Mice are mean
Mice are evasive
Mice are impersonal?

Swans are elephants
Elephants are swans
Water is clear
Water is a mirror

Fish are sweaty
Fish are clean
Fish are gullible
Fish are evolving

Monkeys are agile
Monkeys are lean
Monkeys are humans?
Monkeys are Monkeys

Men are boring
Women are sexy
Man is Mars
Woman is Venus


So what am I?



Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Sep 7, 2008,
#3
thats really good in a doesn't-really-add-up-off-kilter kinda way. well done.
#4
There's not a whole lot I feel able or really motivated to critique in this piece, AG (do I still not know your name?). I will say I was enjoying myself until I hit the redundant the mouse is not me? part. Just a little stump in the path. Then in the last stanza it should be women not woman the first time, and I think the end might have a little more impact if it were:

...so what am I?

Just a few thoughts. This is what it is, and I like it that way.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#5
I have told you my name but I can understand why you would forget. Its Cornelius Fudge. People call me Dan though.

I was in a wacky mood when writting this and I just spelt out a few ramblings about my thoughts.

I'll see what corrections need to be made. I would like to take this more seriously, you see, so any serious help would actually be very helpfull.
#6
Sorry Dan (or may I call you Corny Fudge?), I just have a slippery mind for names.

Every piece of critique I offered was serious - the first 'woman' in the last stanza still should be changed to 'women'. I like the change you've made to the duck portion, and I think now if you so desired to change the mice part to something like 'Mice are me?' it would sound excellent.

I also think adding a little more space between the last line and the rest would be beneficial, so it could take in the whole thing. Right now it just seems paired with the last stanza, making the question much less profound. Even one more space would make a world of difference.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
I think that this is a good piece, and if you want it to be serious, then I think that it just comes to the way you present it. It's hard to explain, but if you present it as a serious piece I think it could be taken on a very deep level, other than that nothing, it very good.
Peta, talking to the dead, stranger danger, alt. medicine, the war on drugs, recycling, esp, conspiracy theories, and gun control are all BULLSHIT...if you've seen the show you know what I'm talking about.
#8
Quote by Billyjson
Sorry Dan (or may I call you Corny Fudge?), I just have a slippery mind for names.

Every piece of critique I offered was serious - the first 'woman' in the last stanza still should be changed to 'women'. I like the change you've made to the duck portion, and I think now if you so desired to change the mice part to something like 'Mice are me?' it would sound excellent.

I also think adding a little more space between the last line and the rest would be beneficial, so it could take in the whole thing. Right now it just seems paired with the last stanza, making the question much less profound. Even one more space would make a world of difference.


Ah sorry mate, I didn't mean it like your comments weren't serious. When I read that back I kicked myself.
I was congitating whether to leave two spaces instead one at the end, I totally agree. I wasn't sure on the other hand, but thats what your here for!
My Hero!

I forgot to change "woman" to women. I'll do that now.
#9
mm... i got the idea. but i think you need to think "brevity is the soul of wit". i think this was far too long to achieve such your desired effect. think like Clint eastwood. just scribble out lines and fill in with death stares and a quick draw. it was ammusing but dragged far to long. one of your more disappointing works imo. sorry mate.
#10
This piece reminds me of something I wrote a long time ago, I called it Chimp of Champs....Anyway, I didn't like the..'mice are cuter' line, I know you could have thought of something better for that....

Then this part

Swans are elephants
Elephants are swans
Water is clear
Water is a mirror

I'm not quite getting this part...just seems like randomness here...other than that the rest is alright to me....
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#11
^I believe he's commenting on how things have more than one dimension, or 'things aren't always what they seem'.

That's another thing I love about this; it's a collection of seemingly innocent thoughts on the outside, with so much meaning hidden beneath. It's been growing on me all day.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#12
Awww, thats such a sweet thing to say Jake, I wuv ouh!

Your correct about the reflection part. I stole it from this painting I had of elephants staring into a lake where their image is then mirrored back into these beautiful swans.
I can understand why it may not grab onto people though, its not the most obvious. I don't know of any way to make it more clear unfortunately.

You have my thoughts perfectly. I wanted this to be darkly innocent with some of my own beliefs on the theory of evolution, animals and the species of men in general and they all interact with each other, spilled into the mix. There is no direct or certain point about this, just a bunch of my thought patterns conjointed into animals, and both their humorous and irritating traits.
#15
Quote by spike_8bkp
My favorite part.


Ha, that was Jake's (Billyson) doing! Gotta' love this place.