#1
I walked softly in the rain
making sure to step over cracks
and not press my toes too hard
against the ground.
I've seen it break before
like a dog through the ice
clawing at the night, howling
something fierce in the way the trees bent.
I've seen it break before
as she shook her hair, dripping
silent hands, silent holds
of her stone tipped galoshes
against the inhuman folds of the street;
sinking steadily until all that shone,
glasses and boots, crying.
#2
It feels really passive, right from the title. I don't think you took enough of a grip of my emotions to really take me into the piece. It was someting you know I've been guily of before, having these image to similie lines, but then leaving it like that without anything else, some emotional ideas and expression to really connect this all up.

I thinkt he passiveness came about firstly from the past-tense title, which I think would be x stronger as "I Walk Softly". And then the peice never actively went out to give the reader some real information, it just sat back and let us look through the photos without giving us the context, the humanity, the exciting stuff to go with it.

Much improved voice, though. Good use of rhyme. You're over that hump imo.

Love <3

Chance of a comment back? You know where.
#3
I have to agree, it dosen't draw you in very well, but I think if you worked on your imagrey and added some well though out metaphors, it could turn this piece around, because you have the flow down. You have the skeleton, and a pretty good one at that, so that's good!
Peta, talking to the dead, stranger danger, alt. medicine, the war on drugs, recycling, esp, conspiracy theories, and gun control are all BULLSHIT...if you've seen the show you know what I'm talking about.
#4
Personally, I think the passive tone is better. You get a picture of the girl's frame of mind, and the distance emotionally gives a desolate feeling to the piece. I thought it enhanced the bleak imagery, if that's what you were intending. Nice piece, enjoyed reading it.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#6
I thought the slightly passive tone worked; the first four lines were nothing less than beautiful. I feel there should be some punctuation after 'I've seen it break before', both times, to show the introduction in to the new idea. I think that 'something fierce in the way the trees bent' should say 'at', not 'it'. The next bit, right up to the end, didn't quite hold me enough. Mainly the last line that just didn't grab me, and I don't think the poem ran in to it properly. Maybe it's just the line breaks that made that last bit feel awkward.

Overall, I thought this was good though, but needs some fixing towards the end to make it stand up to the first part.

I'd love a comment on my newest piece, in my sig, if you have time .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
a simple but beautiful metaphor. you're clever, when you feel like it. although this piece needs shaping up, by improving the things Jammy has already mentioned, this is an example of why i read your stuff. i just think you're massively inconsistent - it's even quite strange. i enjoyed the passiveness, i enjoyed the tone etc and even the rhymes were pleasing but there's a whole lot missing. if you want to make this great, add more of the feeling you were going for. make the reader as calm as the four lines that began in such a lovely way; you aren't overdoing anything yet so add more, please. revise this so i can read again.

'cocaine' on the front page please?
Last edited by samoo at Sep 8, 2008,
#8
I don't know if you've revised as of yet, but leave it as it is.

I loved it.
You finally please me, sir.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10
The simplicity is great, right up until the last six or seven lines. It then turns into a rather large mush of gorgeous rhyming and articulate words. But, I didn't want that. I wanted to read more passiveness, more down right dirty and simple themes and words.
I was starting to find some really interesting ideas inside my brain, but then I just became lost in amongst the ice and I never arose.
Its like the Stella Artois advert where the bottles are trapped below the ice and the poor priest (alter boy) has to dive in there and fish them out. I wanted to break free with some really cool thoughts but you trapped me with, seemingly obligatory, but in my eyes, pointless, ramblings.
Now don't get me wrong, it read so fluidly that I couldn't help but admire the beauty, but I didn't want flow, I had enough water in there to last me a life time. I wanted staccato or jagged edges.
This is all very personal of course.

Digitally Clean
#11
like a dog through the ice


YES! this line was awesome

"any hope is like based on the dogs own stupidity
based on solely the dogs stupidity"
- my friend sean in reaction to me telling him this line

that line just thick as a brick
Last edited by parkt921k at Sep 8, 2008,
#12
When I was a kid, I used to avoid stepping on the cracks in sidewalks because I thought I if I did indeed step on one, it would cause an earthquake. I still catch myself doing this from time to time, and sidewalks creep into my dreams and your poems as silently as our walking upon them, as subtlely as they exist near roads - these passageways leaving many of the most important clues as to how humans survive long enough to exist. Beautiful.
#13
Dylan I forgot to mention that "I've seen it break before" is probably your best line of the piece. I really like it, in this context.
#14
loved the "like a dog through the ice" bit right after "I've seen it break before" , the poem has a real natural feel , it seems to change in tone somewhere towards the end i find though.
#15
the great thing about this piece is the simplicity.
the use of language is great, it's so soft yet emotive.
amongst this simplicity is a somewhat dark shadow which is subtly involved within the text. i feel this is the main triumph of the piece.
good work.
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