#1
Puppet
and it's not what they make me do
it's their hands inside me
and it's not what they make me say
it's their fingers down my throat
who do I see about cutting the strings?
would I be able to move, anyway?
i'd never be a real boy
so i'd never be real, boy


...that is all I have so far, do you think it is worth completing? I can never tell if my stuff sounds too ameteurish or whatever. ^^;
Last edited by GuitarGrrl16 at Sep 7, 2008,
#2
mmm i would do an over all crit. but it's short enough that i feel it unnecessary. mmm i feel like this is.. so bland? it's a solid idea. to write about and there's many ways you can spin it. it's so. obtuse. i thinkyou could have been more subtle about it.
#4
Please give the rules a quick read over before you post again, mainly regarding your title. I've changed it for you this time since it's nothing major.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#5
Everything is worth completing. Every idea that you begin, from the strokes of brilliance to the amateur schlock. By the end, you'll be a better writer for it. If nothing else, you'll find a few lines worth saving for a better piece. That's my opinion. As for this specifically:

I'm not a huge fan of starting with 'and'. That would be for a more explosive opening, which is not the design here. I'd like to see something different as a title as well. As it stands, the poem more reads like a definition of a puppet than a unique take on the concept or a metaphor. It would be a great essay title if this were an essay, alas, it is not. I like the idea behind your opening lines, that it's not what we do under control, but simply the idea of being under control. That rings true enough for me. The 'cutting the strings line' is my favorite, as it has a certain innocent charm about it. I do not like the last few lines, which try to hard to sound clever, but don't really say that much.

c4c always appreciated, link in my signature!