#1
Here they are, any feedback is appreciated:

Verse 1:
Don't judge a book by it's cover
Isn't that what she's been taught to preach?
Then how can she dismiss me?
Then how can she rip me from my baby?

Chorus:
Thieving…
My dreams, my love, my life…
It's not right…
That sovereign of night…

Verse 2:
How can she hold my bird in a cage?
Enslaving her, never letting her take wing.
Losing sleep, far away from what she needs,
My lonely bird she bleeds...

Chorus

Bridge Part 1:
Does she still love me?
Do I even cross her mind?
Does she even care,
That I’m dying from haunted despair...

Jam Part 1

Bridge Part 2:
I must say good bye…
Although it kills me to do so…
I’ll never be the same…
Forever in my ****ed up head game…

Jam Part 2
Verse Three:
But it may be best....
To despise me for not being better...
So please forget me...
And hate me with every inch of your body...

Chorus x2
Peta, talking to the dead, stranger danger, alt. medicine, the war on drugs, recycling, esp, conspiracy theories, and gun control are all BULLSHIT...if you've seen the show you know what I'm talking about.
#2
Verse 2 and 3 have very, very different meters from verse 1. The same goes for bridge 2 in relation to bridge one.
Eyes
Quote by woodenbandman
My dear man, I must petition you for photographic evidence, or the described events cannot be verified, and will be written off as fallacy.
#3
Quote by FeiRei
Verse 2 and 3 have very, very different meters from verse 1. The same goes for bridge 2 in relation to bridge one.


I know, thats kinda what I was aiming for, because I don't know all of my feelings about losing her. Like part of me is sad, part of me is angry, part of me is happy because it does open doors, its like a schizophrenic nightmare...wow that's be a good title...anyways, i wanted it to change feel, flow, and everything from verse to verse. Its supposed to be this twisted screwed up song thats like, well, a schizophrenic nightmare.
Peta, talking to the dead, stranger danger, alt. medicine, the war on drugs, recycling, esp, conspiracy theories, and gun control are all BULLSHIT...if you've seen the show you know what I'm talking about.
Last edited by jamesismy at Sep 7, 2008,
#4
Quote by jamesismy
Here they are, any feedback is appreciated:

Verse 1:
Don't judge a book by it's cover
Isn't that what she's been taught to preach?
great first couple lines here
Then how can she dismiss me?
Then how can she rip me from my baby?

Chorus:
Thieving…
My dreams, my love, my life…
It's not right…
That sovereign of night…
works well as a chorus, nothing outstanding, but not horrible by any means, typical of a chorus

Verse 2:
How can she hold my bird in a cage?
Enslaving her, never letting her take wing.
Losing sleep, far away from what she needs,
My lonely bird she bleeds...
i like the ideas you have here, maybe they could be polished up a bit, but good ideas

Chorus

Bridge Part 1:
Does she still love me?
Do I even cross her mind?
Does she even care,
That I’m dying from haunted despair...
Not a huge fan of the last line, the first three are kinda cliche but they work
Jam Part 1

Bridge Part 2:
I must say good bye…
Although it kills me to do so…
I’ll never be the same…
Forever in my ****ed up head game…
i can so relate to this it's not even funny

Jam Part 2
Verse Three:
But it may be best....
To despise me for not being better...
like this line alot
So please forget me...
And hate me with every inch of your body...
also great
Chorus x2


a decent song, not much else to say that i haven't said already

take a look at one of mine? my latest is below, thanks- Matlock
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=951796
#5
Quote by Mlnwd
a decent song, not much else to say that i haven't said already

take a look at one of mine? my latest is below, thanks- Matlock
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=951796


Thanks for the comments, I'll work on the cliche parts. And sure.
Peta, talking to the dead, stranger danger, alt. medicine, the war on drugs, recycling, esp, conspiracy theories, and gun control are all BULLSHIT...if you've seen the show you know what I'm talking about.
#7
Quote by seventh_angel
There's nothing here that detaches from anything else but you made something quite good: you never said anything too cliché in a subject that's filled with them, so I take my hat off to that !

It's a nice work mate


Thank you very much sir.
Peta, talking to the dead, stranger danger, alt. medicine, the war on drugs, recycling, esp, conspiracy theories, and gun control are all BULLSHIT...if you've seen the show you know what I'm talking about.