#1
as you read this i would like to ask that you don't critique the flow as all the stanzas are well within the malleability of the melody and written flow is irrelevant when it comes to lyrics. the first verse is complete but the second verse/bridge are tentative bits and pieces, i'll update this thread with any changes i make. thank you for choosing to use your time to read these words.

aretha/ golden sweet
whose nakedness is a piercing thing
your lucky mouth shall not decay me
though you design to rearrange me in your image

shadows double in the street
as caravans of tired eyes
are passed along from hand to hand
impersonal and barely free

i lean away from the passing days
to try to catch their meaning
the reasoning is always the same
when we come to doubt the season

i look ahead i look behind
but nothing's really getting through
the murkiness of my mind
is the window i have chosen
today

aretha/ golden sweet
whose nakedness is a piercing thing
your lucky mouth shall not decay me
though you design to rearrange me in your image

i saw you through the cracks along
the borough in the early dawn
all i have to offer is longing

there's enough time for everyone
but time will not retreat
i seem drawn to any time but now
i seem drawn to any time but now

oh, aretha
i'm afraid you've caught me dreaming
the color of your hair
and the changing of the seasons

why did it have to be
a simple case of them or me
i can't understand what causes the night.
#2
Quote by Variable
as you read this i would like to ask that you don't critique the flow as all the stanzas are well within the malleability of the melody and written flow is irrelevant when it comes to lyrics. the first verse is complete but the second verse/bridge are tentative bits and pieces, i'll update this thread with any changes i make. thank you for choosing to use your time to read these words.

aretha/ golden sweet
whose nakedness is a piercing thing
your lucky mouth shall not decay me
though you design to rearrange me in your image

Maybe I don't quite understand this because its something personal? Or maybe theres more to come along the way that will help me better understand it? regardless of my understanding, I will say its very mysterious. I seems kinda dark in a way, not overly dark, just a perfect sense of dark. I like it so far.


shadows double in the street
as caravans of tired eyes
are passed along from hand to hand
impersonal and barely free

I can see you like imagery a lot, which is really cool. Still, some of it isn't quite clicking for me yet, the darkness is still there even more now. On to the next

i lean away from the passing days
to try to catch their meaning
the reasoning is always the same
when we come to doubt the season

Less imagery here, more directness, Liked that. I like the first two lines a lot, very strong lines. Don' t quite get the last two, I know they compensate for the first two, but I can't make the connection just yet, maybe cause its 1:30 in the morning here. Onward

i look ahead i look behind
but nothing's really getting through
the murkiness of my mind
is the window i have chosen
today

Cool, I like this one a lot. And I actually understand this one. The darkness is still carrying out too, thats good to keep the theme present through the who piece. Onward times two


aretha/ golden sweet
whose nakedness is a piercing thing
your lucky mouth shall not decay me
though you design to rearrange me in your image

Shall not crit for its the same as the first, which I like how you brought it back though, more emphasis.

i saw you through the cracks along
the borough in the early dawn
all i have to offer is longing

Alright this still carrys on whats been going on through the piece. thats good. I thought you were gonna bring up the window again, which I really wish you would have, cause I'd like to see that brought up again. But I still like it.

there's enough time for everyone
but time will not retreat
i seem drawn to any time but now
i seem drawn to any time but now

Interesting, direct, Don't know if I like the repetition of the last two lines. But thats just personal I suppose.

oh, aretha
i'm afraid you've caught me dreaming
the color of your hair
and the changing of the seasons

why did it have to be
a simple case of them or me
i can't understand what causes the night.


Hmmm I see connections here, these last two stanzas that is, very unclear to me though, I can sense it however. Just can't really grasp it. I like the ending, Like i said in the beginning, it seems like something personal that you have written. I think. maybe thats why some of the things are kinda unclear to me, that or lack of sleep.



In all, I like it. I still think it is something personal that you wrote, if not, that what it came across as, to me anyway. And thank you for the crit on my piece. To let you know, I am not really a traditional writer, not that I am unique. I just write. The whole soaring and sore thing, didn't mean for the play on the words, it just made sense to me. Seeing my friends flying away if you will, hurts. But to me the beauty of writing is what the reader makes of it. Thats what I think. Oh, for the cursing thing, yea I never have cursed in a poem/song before, its just something that felt write. I have no melody for that yet, so it wasn't to fit a melody, it was honestly what I was feeling. kinda personal you know, kinda like what I think you got going on in these set of lyrics. well anyway, keep writing, thanks again. I look forward to reading more of you works. Have a good one.
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know
#3
for the life of me, i can't understand why this hasn't received more comments than it already has.
i loved reading it. correct me if i'm wrong, but i'm assuming it's a song, from the header's note.
the only part i didn't like, was the stanza with the repetition of the last line; but, that may be very fitting if this is indeed a song.
sorry for the crap comment, but this was really good stuff man.
i enjoyed it thoroughly.

btw, infinite thanks for the comment on my piece.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#4
i didn't like the phrase "murkiness of my mind". that was the only line that bothered me in this piece.

i really enjoyed the rest of it. there's a simplicity to its appearance but it's very intriguing and never went down the route i was expecting. i know you say the second verse is tentative and all, but i think it's great the way it is.
sorry, i can't think of anything else to say. if you have a chance to look at mine in my sig, that'd be nice.

thanks very much for the pleasant read. hope to see more from you.