#1
this is based on "to his coy mistress" which is a poem i've always liked and has now become strangely relevant to my life. i've basically just re-written it so it's relevant to me but referenced the original throughout as a means of conveying the message, you'll see what i'm talking about. here's a link to the original by Andrew Marvell for anyone who doesn't know it.

http://www.luminarium.org/sevenlit/marvell/coy.htm


oh, also i'll be going away for a couple of days so it might take me a while to get back to you with crits, but i will.


No Time For Old Words


Had we but world enough, and time.
Remember that?
Perhaps just as token words from a boy out in front, so blunt
without due care for spoken subtleties or flair.
No?
For me it was years spent on a page,
a hundred at a desk,
two hundred at home,
and thirty thousand on a test.
Until of course
i did on thine eyes and forehead gaze.
Now i'm amazed i settled to just understand,
and not to walk in hand with the emotion on the page.
Had we but world enough and time,
i'd love to sit, sip wine, unwind
and relate to you in full,
the significance of this literary Marvell.
You see though it's true we have little to fear
from worms and marble vaults, i still hear
the beat of wings in an endless campaign,
marching forever forward,
to conquer the time that remains.
So let us like birds of prey devour,
your worries in a display of passion and power,
for flowers still flourish in the harshest sun.
We are the here and now, will you stay,
or run?
#2
pretty kool im trying to write sum more songs but i got like writers block or sumthing >.<
but im just wondering if this would be like rock or more like r&b
#4
Quote by AK.
this is based on "to his coy mistress" which is a poem i've always liked
and has now become strangely relevant to my life. i've basically just re-written it so it's relevant to me but referenced the original throughout as a means of conveying the message, you'll see what i'm talking about. here's a link to the original by Andrew Marvell for anyone who doesn't know it.

http://www.luminarium.org/sevenlit/marvell/coy.htm


oh, also i'll be going away for a couple of days so it might take me a while to get back to you with crits, but i will.


No Time For Old Words


Had we but world enough, and time.
Remember that?
Perhaps just as token words from a boy out in front, so blunt
without due care for spoken subtleties or flair.
No?

The first line seems ok for an opener...but using 'Remember that?'...It doesn't quite work after that first line and move it after the fourth before the last...

For me it was years spent on a page,
a hundred at a desk,
two hundred at home,
and thirty thousand on a test.

This part was good

Until of course
i did on thine eyes and forehead gaze.
Now i'm amazed i settled to just understand,
and not to walk in hand with the emotion on the page.

This was well written

Had we but world enough and time,
i'd love to sit, sip wine, unwind
and relate to you in full,
the significance of this literary Marvell.

This is good, but I think it could be better written on the second line, I think it would flow better if it said "i'd love to sit, sip some wine, and just unwind" and replace the 'and' in the third line with 'yet' this way the alliteration adds an affect to the piece....I love how you used Marvell in here

You see though it's true we have little to fear
from worms and marble vaults, i still hear
the beat of wings in an endless campaign,
marching forever forward,
to conquer the time that remains.

On the first line, I believe you should add a couple apostrophes before and after 'though' to maintain flow and structure....on the second line add 'that' before 'i still here' it'll keep the structure....the rest is excellent

So let us like birds of prey devour,
your worries in a display of passion and power,
for flowers still flourish in the harshest sun.
We are the here and now, will you stay,
or run?

Again, punctuation is needed in the first line to maintain structure (so it reads better) I had to read that line twice to have it make it sense....The rest is great



Overall this piece was pretty good. I enjoyed the read, there were just a few things (to me) that needed some correcting....other than that this is golden


(no need to crit back m8)
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!