#1
Oceanic Abyss

A coherent ocean,
This mind, you'll find me
An unknown outcast,
Lost at sea

Ride the swell,
Unselected, All around,
Ponder, Imagine,
The shine of a rusted crown

Experience oceans bottom,
Under my feet,
Secluded Islands
Harvest coconut meat

Soon to slip,
Taken back,
A place preexists
Right by,
Dark oceanic abyss
#2
Quote by Dwayne Rodstad
Oceanic Abyss

A coherent ocean,
This mind, you'll find me
An unknown outcast,
Lost at sea
great start, nothing overly cliche or horrible

Ride the swell,
Unselected, All around,
Ponder, Imagine,
The shine of a rusted crown
another solid stanza, i like the image of a rusted crown, perhaps meant to symbolize a fall from grace

Experience oceans bottom,
Under my feet,
Secluded Islands
Harvest coconut meat
great imagery here, you can really feel the oceans bottom

Soon to slip,
Taken back,
A place preexists
Right by,
Dark oceanic abyss
eh, this is just ok compared to the others


i enjoyed this, there is some great imagery here and at some parts it's like the reader is there. I think the ending could be made a bit more interesting but that's up to you, since it's the title of the piece it wraps everything up well enough so thats up to you.

Anyway if you could take a look at something of mine that would be great- Matlock
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=951796