#1
Have posted on here in a long long time. But here is my most recent piece of work. C4C as always. I was caught between titles: "Cicada's Song" or "For a Cicada" or "To a Cicada" or....Something a million times better. But yeah, haha, enjoy it, feed me back, I'll feed you back. Thanks


My friends, you are cicadas now
Burrow underground, it’s your home
And I don’t think that they are dead
Just a little less lively than before
Cicadas, you were my friends then
Now just a shooting star within a cities haze
Soon a rainbow on a rainless, sunny day
It seems out of tune in my head
This song, these words, possible ends

Cicadas made of faces in some sense of time
They’ve erased that all with something out of kind
So go ahead, abuse your wings to get high
Tell me it’s moving on, I won't watch you fly
Soaring cicadas, a sore in my mind...good-bye

Or maybe I have the wings
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know
Last edited by societies_worm at Sep 8, 2008,
#2
Quote by societies_worm
My friends, you are cicadas now
Burrow underground, it’s your home
And I don’t think that they are dead
Just a little less livelier than before - "less lively" is grammatically correct (if you care about that sort of thing)
Cicadas, you were my friends then
Now just a shooting star within a cities haze - i like the imagery. clear, meaningful and strong
Soon a rainbow on a rainless, sunny day
It seems out of tune in my head
This song, these words, possible ends - three solid lines

Cicadas made of faces in some sense of time
They’ve erased that all with something out of kind - i think i get these lines but the wording is a little awkward and unclear
So go ahead, abuse your wings to ****ing fly
Tell me it’s moving on and ****ing fly - not a huge fan of swearing in lyrics unless it's handled well and adds additional meaning. those ****s just seem like a textural thing only there to fill in notes in the melody (which can usually be done to better effect by stretching syllables) and express bitterness/anger which, in the context of the song, only speaks to me of a childish resistance to change (rather than lamentation for what is lost in the process) incongruous with the rest of the lyrics
Soaring cicadas sore my mind - don't understand the use of the word sore as a verb. do you mean it like hurt? i would change it to something else, the wordplay of soaring/sore seems pointless and flashy.

Or maybe I’m a cicada…truly, we all must become cicadas at some point or another (if i grasp the symbolism you attribute to that word correctly)


all in all, i like it. i can definitely relate to the meaning and the execution is solid. to the point without being simple.

here's something i wrote if you would be so kind as to critique: http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=953549

edit: as far as a title goes, how about Epitaph for a Cicada or Eulogy for a Cicada? or Eulogy/Epitaph for a Season. maybe something about Old Ways.
Last edited by Variable at Sep 8, 2008,
#3
Quote by societies_worm
I was caught between "Cicada's Song" or "For a Cicada" or "To a Cicada" or....Something a million times better. I would say "For a Cicada" if only because the first title is taken by an Autopilot Off song.

My friends, you are cicadas now
Burrow underground, it’s your home
And I don’t think that they are dead
Just a little less livelier than before That doesn't make sense. Change it to lively.
Cicadas, you were my friends then The repetition feels a little unnecessary
Now just a shooting star within a cities haze
Soon a rainbow on a rainless, sunny day
It seems out of tune in my head
This song, these words, possible ends Feels like you were trying to fit more than one line into a single space here, because "possible ends" doesn't sound quite right just on its own

Cicadas made of faces in some sense of time
They’ve erased that all with something out of kind
Yeah, really good.
So go ahead, abuse your wings to ****ing fly
Tell me it’s moving on and ****ing fly
Soaring cicadas, a sore in my mind

The swearing feels unnecessary, like you were just filling space. Swearing can work in lyrics, but it didn't here. The play on words in the last line is great though.

Or maybe I’m a cicada…
Change this to "Or maybe it's me...", it sounds less obvious and repetitive.


Overall, pretty good.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=945016
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


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#4
You know what I agree with you both now, about the whole swearing thing, I guess last night when I wrote it, it felt right, but I was barely awake. But yea, the swearing seems a bit outta place. Thanks. Sorry for the grammatical error, haven't been in school now for a year and a half. And break-me-in I like the ending your chose. Now you got me thinking, either of that ending or maybe: "Or maybe I have wings" something along the lines of that, I'll figure it out. Thanks guys. and break-me-in I will get to yours asap. Thanks.
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know