#1
I don't know if I like this piece. Fairly straightforward in structure, but I don't know if by the third stanza it becomes convoluted, and I'm not sure whether it's really any good. Tell me and I'll crit yours back.

Life's a bitch and so is love
Or is she playing hard to get?
Now forgotten, and on fire
She reflects a sprawling mess
Doused in petrol lemon juice
She will cut an ugly form
Her former glory now in rags
Set alight and never worn

Smells drunk on cheap teen spirits
All the same, so colourless
Drawing blood, melodrama,
And banal cartoon loss
Sounds like a riot in your head
Looks like standard teenage angst
Fake suicide talk, that is all
Choking up on fake plastic fangs

They chronicle adventures
Elaborate bullshit tragedy tales
Of hearts repaired within a day
Of two week boredom wheels
We just can’t get over our
Pretty brand new store-bought
Designer personalities
Exactly what we’ve always sought
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#2
Finally getting back to you. Sorry it took so long.

Quote by break-me-in


Life's a bitch and so is love
Or is she playing hard to get?
Now forgotten, and on fire
She reflects a sprawling mess
Doused in petrol lemon juice
She will cut an ugly form
Her former glory now in rags
Set alight and never worn

So, to be flagrantly honest... I think this started out poorly. Your entire first idea/line are terribly terribly cliche. Which can be used to well, but you didn't. L1/2 were both hard to swallow off of the bat. Then we get down to the random lemon juice line. If it rhymed perfectly, I'd say you used it for a rhyme with "juice" but it really doesn't. I don't see the connection between an image that off-the-wall to the bland imagery of the rest of the stanza. To be honest, it was sort of the high point... it was something different compared to the fact that everything else was 12 flavors of bland.

Smells drunk on cheap teen spirits
All the same, so colourless
Drawing blood, melodrama,
And banal cartoon loss
Sounds like a riot in your head
Looks like standard teenage angst
Fake suicide talk, that is all
Choking up on fake plastic fangs

I loved this. Good imagery, making a statement, an original take on a cliche subject. Just open with this... the first stanza says nothing that isn't throw away. Don't capitalize everyline though... it makes it read choppy. Only cap where its needed... readers will thank you.

They chronicle adventures
Elaborate bullshit tragedy tales
Of hearts repaired within a day
Of two week boredom wheels
We just can’t get over our
Pretty brand new store-bought
Designer personalities
Exactly what we’ve always sought


Meh to this too. The last three lines are more than a mouthful. The wit covers up any real sentiments underneath. It just sort of get buried in the fact the reader is tripping all over himself to spit out the words. This was a let down after the middle one. There just isn't a whole lot here. Seems like you were scraping the idea over too many lines. Lose this too, I'd say. Leave stanza 2 as the piece... its speaks volumes more than the other two, and it has a good bite to it.



Just my opinions, take them or leave them. The "technical side" was all ok. Nothing to exceptional, but it didn't hinder my read. Just lose the "all cap beginnings" for sure. I read mostly for content, and it was lacking a lot here. I really really enjoyed the middle section though... its got a unique tang to it.

-zC
#3
Quote by ZanasCross
Finally getting back to you. Sorry it took so long.

Just my opinions, take them or leave them. The "technical side" was all ok. Nothing to exceptional, but it didn't hinder my read. Just lose the "all cap beginnings" for sure. I read mostly for content, and it was lacking a lot here. I really really enjoyed the middle section though... its got a unique tang to it.

-zC


Nah, don't worry about it.

Anyway, I kinda knew the 3rd stanza wasn't that good, and just needed confirmation, but I thought the 1st one was... not amazing, but ok. Well, whatever. I guess I have my work cut out for me here.

And the caps thing? I just do that out of habit really, I didn't know it had any knock-on effect.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT