#1
Today i decided to sit down and write a hip hop song.

i downloaded a beat and started freestyling. (im really bad)

but most of the time i would get a line or two worth keeping.

before i knew it, i had the first verse of an atmosphere type song.

here it is.

dont be scared to crit just cause its a hip hop song.

lyrics are lyrics



Since now im Mesmerized by the starry night sky,
they Couldn’t compare to your eyes
So they packed it up and headed out
Somewhere out into the universe,
Livin in, insecurites, mommy gave to me at birth
Last night I had a dream, I dreamed
I could look at you without hating every single little thing
I’ve put in my body, and the little things like when I lied to you
I could beg for my forgiveness, but im sure ill make it through
Without a bruise, to my MVP
three little letters, they singin doe ray me
Our eyes met, only to be broken by
Loyalties, and royalties, and viscious teeth, man I swear ive seen them lie
Now I know its time for me to sit down,
I think ive Played one to many games of beer pong
So pass me the handle, ive got your liquid confidence
The key to your pants , in my hands, I think I like this
Lets shoot one more for luck, then another so me and you can ****
I cant promise, that me and you will fight or flight again
but ive got some ideas, and i know how long its been


tell me what you think
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.
Last edited by br&nizzle at Sep 18, 2008,
#2
Most of it is really good, the ab rhyme style your using is the most comman but the most hardest I think. Your subject is really good. But that could just be me. But there are some things i would double think too.
#3
yeah...i love using the ab scheme.

its not hard to do i general, but in my opinion its the hardest to do well.

also internal rhyme tends to sound cool as hell
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.
#4
Quote by br&nizzle
Today i decided to sit down and write a hip hop song.

i downloaded a beat and started freestyling. (im really bad)

but most of the time i would get a line or two worth keeping.

before i knew it, i had the first verse of an atmosphere type song.

here it is.

dont be scared to crit just cause its a hip hop song.

lyrics are lyrics



Since now im Mesmerized by the starry night sky,
they Couldn’t compare to your eyes
So they packed it up and headed out
Somewhere out into the universe, Great opening 4 lines, except the wording of the first one is kind of weird. Shouldn't it be something like, 'Used to be mesmerized by the starry night sky'? Also, what's with the random capitalization?
Now I think its time for me to end this verse Wasted line. Total filler, especially so early in the song
Last night I had a dream, I dreamed
I could look at you without hating every single little thing
I’ve put in my body, and the little things like when I lied to you
I could beg for my forgiveness, but im sure ill make it through strong few lines, I can hear the points of emphasis and fairly well phrased
Without a bruise, to my MVP
three little letters, they singin doe ray me What do these last two lines even mean?? If the answer is nothing, junk 'em. May sound sorta OK in a live freestyle, but once you've written it down it has to be stronger, and you're clearly capable of that.
Our eyes met, only to be broken by
Loyalties, and royalties, and viscious teeth, man I swear ive seen them lie and you're back again with 2 strong lines, love the loyalties/royalties bit!
Now I know its time for me to sit down,
I think ive Played one to many games of beer pongnot really an emotional reference here
So pass me the handle, ive got your liquid confidence
The key to your pants , in my hands, I think I like this
Lets shoot one more for luck, then another so me and you can ****
I cant promise, that me and you will fight or flight again
but ive got some ideas, and i know how long its been


tell me what you think


There are some strong, strong lines here. But I'm not sure it's a strong piece. A little too scattered, switching totally from focus on the relationship to total randomness. Yes, atmosphere does that, but I think that's one of the things that hold him back. Listen to 'Always Coming Back to You'- lyrically, that song is very tight, meaning that every line has a purpose and brings something to the overall picture. That separates his good songs from his mediocre ones. This song of yours has some loose ends that could use an overhaul, but good effort!

C4C appreciated, my newest is also hip-hop so maybe you can help, link is in my signature!
#5
thanks man, ill definately take some of that stuff into consideration
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.