#1
'NOTHER POEM. Think it's better than the last one, sadly that's not so much an achievement as a blessing all thoughts are awesome and appreciated

*silly blurb removed* ta Kent

Corbetts are a type of hill in Scotland, the second largest after the munroes, by the way.
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Standing on the Shoulders of Giants

Wee white slots are racing by
(cut up lines whirl in my eye)

This great road stretches before me (it must reach around the world)

Earth’s great belt, the second equator;
her fertile form stretches the leather:

here and there the belt is cracked and life
pokes through and turns my tracks.

On both sides her pregnant stomach strains,
against the side of our routes, with folds of fat

Hedgerows and verges (prosthetic nature)
screens from me the opulent rapture…

it’s just over leafy walls, just across combed fields
it’s there at the vanishing point where walker meets hills

roads built around corbetts can’t ever feel:

(standing at the summit, right on the edge,
filling up your self with all and sundry)

the vastness of sky and the weeness of me.

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On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
Last edited by meh! at Sep 9, 2008,
#2
I enjoyed the childish opening.

The use of brackets in the first two lines makes the reader feel like they are going to remain static in the remainder of it, they do of course return, but not in the way that you think. I am still deciding whether I like that 'phenomenon'.

- "stretches the leather:" - This breaks the childish glee I felt from this poem. I reckon you should of kept with that particular vibe, which neatly coincides with the idea of a kid in the back seat of his pa's car driving down Route 66, playing games (couting lines) to pass the time.

I like the way it then turns into a disgraceful display or wording. Well, for me it did. I'm not keen on the combination of "rolls" and "roads" though.

- "Hedgerows and green-grass" - Hemm...

- "screens from me the opulent rapture… " - Not sure where you got this idea from, its certainly weird.

Love the ending.

I need to return to it to lend it full justice though.
This is another piece of great writing from you. Your really shinning... baa dum bum tshhh.

Digitally Clean
#3
The idea that these hedges are grown as walls (... around where I live there are hedgerows down the roads because they're grown around fences to keep the sheep in) and they screen you off from real nature, cause they're just man-made thingies. Hence prosthetic nature walls. That's where the idea came from, anyway, but I'm not that fussed about any of that coming through in this.

considering what you said, I think i should make it more clear that 'opulent rapture' refers to lovely lovely nature and such. The word 'opulent' is forever stuck with 'bounty' in my head as referring to the natural world, I should remember that it's not got the same connotations for anyone else for anyone else

Thanks alot, I'll be VISITING things you've written any time soon.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#4
at first, i hated the ending line. now, re-reading multiple times; i really like it.
you did very well on the rhymes throughout; the structure did nothing but justice, too imo, to compliment them and the flow. you did a really good job at bringing it down to earth, also.
all in all, it wasn't the best, but it was definitely a pleasant read.

i do think you're getting a little caught up in explaining yourself though. just don't worry about it. let the reader do some homework on what they get out of it and listen to the feedback; it can sometimes change the way you look at your own piece.

no obligation, but if you want to have a look-see; my newest is called "compass."
i'll edit in the link, just in case.

EDIT: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=953825
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.