#1
Felt in the mood of writing something in prose. C4C ! (leave link)


(23:23:23)


Two bodies wrapped one on the other created the strongest roots in the corner of the night, placing where darkness could embrace their souls and diminish them to their silhouettes. Proudly embarrassed in their jovial type of attraction, blindly blushed, they kissed, and everything around sank into a vacuum only they could feel; the vacuum became one with the night, gaining a life of his own or stealing the night’s identity.
In their closed eyes this was everything they felt, while they talked with their minds between timeless French kisses.
“Do you feel it?” she asked, getting no response. “Is it “it”?”
“What does “it” feel like?”
The silent answer revealed their ignorance in this matter.

As time passed, they kept floating in space and sinking into the night’s nothingness. Feeling smaller and smaller every time their tongues entered each others’ mouths, they realized the proportion of the world and felt superior. Uncertainty made them stay in a place they didn’t know; they had loosened the weights and were flying anarchically, where their hearts were themselves and their lungs were their wings.

“I can feel I’m home...”
“So can I...”


They exploded like fireworks in the moon; fragments of each other spread in every inch of the night’s sky, and got sucked by something no one saw.
“I love you.” in a way she never heard; the three words she had said and been said in return so many times before.
“Is that “it”?”
“I don’t know, but it sure feels like.”

They opened their eyes.


(23:23:24)
Last edited by seventh_angel at Sep 8, 2008,
#4
This was really good (the imagrey was amazing!) I really like the little lines of " 'I can feel I’m home...' " and " 'So can I...' "


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=953322
Peta, talking to the dead, stranger danger, alt. medicine, the war on drugs, recycling, esp, conspiracy theories, and gun control are all BULLSHIT...if you've seen the show you know what I'm talking about.
#6
it is very good, i dont read to much prose lol, i dont really like them sometimes i feel liek im listening to the babbling and ranting oof someone else, but that doesnt feel like this, good job
#7
aha yeha im with jonny....im usually not into prose but this was amazing. I loved the last paragraph part.
amazing stuff man.
crit mine when you can
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=827411
"You've got to dance like nobody else is watching.
Dream like you will live forever.
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
and love like it is never gonna hurt."
-- James Dean (1931-1955)

Quote by JakeTheDuck
This man has the right idea.


^
oh yeahhh
#8
Quote by seventh_angel
Felt in the mood of writing something in prose. C4C ! (leave link)


(23:23:23)


Two bodies wrapped one on the other created the strongest roots in the corner of the night, placing where darkness could embrace their souls and diminish them to their silhouettes. Proudly embarrassed in their jovial type of attraction, blindly blushed, they kissed, and everything around sank into a vacuum only they could feel; the vacuum became one with the night, gaining a life of his own or stealing the night’s identity.
As a prose, this is not very accurate. There are, no doubt, lovely lines in here but they are not common terms and it doesn't read like common speech. It has a perculiar rhythm that does accentuate the theme, but doesn't help it become more down to earth. It needs to be a little more gritty and earthly, instead of being so rampant with lovely termanology and poetic, dramatic depictions.
In their closed eyes this was everything they felt, while they talked with their minds between timeless French kisses.
Wonderful.
“Do you feel it?” she asked, getting no response. “Is it “it”?”
“What does “it” feel like?”
The silent answer revealed their ignorance in this matter.
This is a little more adept in terms of the technical style of writing you encorporated here.

As time passed, they kept floating in space
I don't like this line, it reads so uncomfortably. I don't know many people that would talk like this and sinking into the night’s nothingness. Feeling smaller and smaller every time their tongues entered each others’ mouths, they realized the proportion of the world and felt superior. Uncertainty made them stay in a place they didn’t know; they had loosened the weights and were flying anarchically, where their hearts were themselves and their lungs were their wings.
Still very dramatic but I am becoming more accustomed to this style so it feels more homely.

“I can feel I’m home...”
“So can I...”

This attribute is quite an achievement, I don't know how you managed to make it work, but it does.

They exploded like fireworks in the moon; fragments of each other spread in every inch of the night’s sky, and got sucked by something no one saw.
Now this is much better. More simple illustrations and imagery that is both quirky and elegantly human.
“I love you.” in a way she never heard; the three words she had said and been said in return so many times before.
“Is that “it”?”
“I don’t know, but it sure feels like.” Is this cut short? Are you missing something here? It feels like there is.

They opened their eyes.


(23:23:24)


As a prose, I wasn't overly impressed but as a general piece of poetry or writing, I was; it was fun, although it did lack tension and real intense sexuality, which is what a couple would be feeling, unless that was your aim? To be unatractive?

Digitally Clean
#9
wow... just wow.

although i do have a hard time seeing anyone talking like this, you made it work flawlessly.


Mine if you would do me the honor of criting it that would be most appreciated.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=954146
Whatever it is you do, DO NOT CLICK HERE! ! it will bring the end of the world upon us all!!!! I swear you click it, and you will end o.O
____________________________________________
#10
This was just too verbose and optimistic for me. Like floating over the highway and just assuming that everyone you see in a car is just in a great mood and all of their cars are in perfect condition.

It had the feeling of looking in from the clouds, which really made it hard for me to connect with it. The people didn't seem real enough, the events seemed like a dream. The images seemed too over the top to me... they were so hopelessly romantic that it made the whole thing seem fake... like a soap opera love story. Maybe that's what you were going for, in which case; good job... it something I just can't appreciate. But if you were trying to paint a believable scene between two individuals... you are going to have to be more careful and really try to tone the imagery down so that it doesn't come out like we are watching people in clouds, ya know?

All that said, it was well written... it was interesting and it wasn't an unpleasant read. It just feels like it needs more grit to really take it to the next level of believability and tangibility; which would make it much more fun to empathize with and bring yourself into as a reader.

Feel free to PM if you ahve any questions.

-zC

EDIT:

Also, lines like "The silent answer revealed their ignorance in this matter." really jerk the reader out of the scene. If you could find another way to say the same thing, that doesn't feel so abrupt, and like a peeping tom narrating... it would be much cleaner and more intimate feeling.
#11
Yeah, I just can't leave my poetic roots Dan..

Well, this was written just for fun. And Zach, this wasn't supposed to be believable. This are just feelings in a first true love kiss. Of course, this is totally overracting and as you said, it is almost like a dream. Remember that it just passed one second over everything, this is just a vortex of feeling and sensations all mixed up. And Dan, I wasn't trying to be unatractive and it wasn't supposed to be sexual. Au the contraire, it's supposed to be really innocent almost in a boyish fashion way... I dunno, I really suck explaining stuff, but I hope I made myself clear.
#12
That made sense... and I kinda felt you were going for the rush and mix up thing. I was just trying to point out to you why it sort of missed me. When something feels that "far out" it makes it hard for me as a reader to really dig in and enjoy what's there. You're welcome to use that tone in the piece, but for me its a tone that lends itself to an almost fairy tale read, which is something that I don't particularly enjoy; so that just comes down to preference. I was just offering my opinion, really.
#13
Yeah, and I accept it really. I take all opinions at the same level especially if you're so explanative (don't know if this is how it is said in english) as you were. I was just explaining. Oh yeah, and sorry about that thing on the 1V1. I really didn't like what they done, it's totally unfair