#1
A kind of skaternative song, if that helps you guys. C4C


Mary Don't Leave Me Now

Aren't we all just
Scoundrels in our gangs
We're the kids you
You'd love to hang

And if we just back down
we won't get anywhere
It's time to hang up high and feel,
And feel the air


Cause if we can't just go and wait
Where can we go
I'm waiting out on the grass
Where is the snow
I'm so lost i'm so lost
Mary Don't leave me now


I'll hold on to these
Visions of everything
'Cause when I lay here with you
It all comes together

All the world, the people in it
i'm making out with gravity
It's holding me to the ground as
i'm, i'm

floating away--
I'm floating away on in your haze


Cause if we can't just go and wait
Where can we go
I'm waiting out on the grass
Where is the snow
I'm so lost i'm so lost
Mary Don't leave me now


The Hysteria car has crashed
Has crashed into the wall
Right where I used to sit
Where I swear I used to give a shit

About all this everything
That taints its way around my face
Around my nose up in my pores
I fucking hate you stupid whores

I'm so beat up off all your shit
Took my hand up off your neck
I wish you hadn't died on me
Oh good lord I miss you Mary
Last edited by JakdOnCrack at Sep 8, 2008,
#2
It's a little vague for my tastes, but this is mostly an opions thing. It starts off more of a good times song, but gets a little emo for me. I'd stick on one subject more and develop it if it was me.
Ever wonder what rock would have sounded like in 2010 if grunge hadn't made it cool to be stupid?

The Three Aces
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#3
Quote by Lin
It's a little vague for my tastes, but this is mostly an opions thing. It starts off more of a good times song, but gets a little emo for me. I'd stick on one subject more and develop it if it was me.

It's being high and then coming down off of it and not wanting to (Mary don't leave me now = i don't want this high i got off of smoking weed to go away). Y'know what i'm saying?
#4
Quote by JakdOnCrack
It's being high and then coming down off of it and not wanting to (Mary don't leave me now = i don't want this high i got off of smoking weed to go away). Y'know what i'm saying?


Well, alright. Doesn't change my opinion though. You don't get a chance to explain your lyrics when they're playing your song on the radio you know.

Edit: you know, these things look so much different out of context, i wonder what the point in commenting really is.
Ever wonder what rock would have sounded like in 2010 if grunge hadn't made it cool to be stupid?

The Three Aces
On UG profiles - On Myspace

Please mark yourself as a fan if you like!
Last edited by Lin at Sep 8, 2008,
#6
Quote by JakdOnCrack
A kind of skaternative song, if that helps you guys. C4C


Mary Don't Leave Me Now

Aren't we all just
Scoundrels in our gangs
We're the kids you
You'd love to hang
I liked this opening, especially the last two lines.

And if we just back down
we won't get anywhere
It's time to hang up high and feel,
And feel the air
Don't like the reptition of "and feel"


Cause if we can't just go and wait
Where can we go
"go" "go" isn't working for me either.
I'm waiting out on the grass
Where is the snow
This rhyme seems forced.
I'm so lost i'm so lost
Mary Don't leave me now
This whole stanza seems cliched, but probably it's the chorus and it's supposed to be catchy, but I dunno...


I'll hold on to these
Visions of everything
'Cause when I lay here with you
It all comes together

All the world, the people in it
Nothing was said in here...
i'm making out with gravity
It's holding me to the ground as
i'm, i'm

floating away--
I'm floating away on in your haze
Now evething since my last phrase until here is really cool.


Cause if we can't just go and wait
Where can we go
I'm waiting out on the grass
Where is the snow
I'm so lost i'm so lost
Mary Don't leave me now
Ok, it's a chorus...


The Hysteria car has crashed
Has crashed into the wall
Right where I used to sit
Where I swear I used to give a shit
This could be a lot better, but I like how it was written

About all this everything
That taints its way around my face
Around my nose up in my pores
I fucking hate you stupid whores
Man... this is just not my type of thing... sorry

I'm so beat up off all your shit
Took my hand up off your neck
I wish you hadn't died on me
Oh good lord I miss you Mary
This is ok...



So, I think this may need a lot of work, but it's just not my type of writting so I may be kind of biased... And you can shout lines filled with angst without cussing, at least that's what I think...

Thanks a lot for your comment on The Box Of Silence, you really got what I wanted and the way you described it makes me think you can write something totally much better than this.

But everything is an achievement in my point of view; so nice work anyway!
#7
Quote by JakdOnCrack
A kind of skaternative song, if that helps you guys. C4C


Mary Don't Leave Me Now

Aren't we all just
Scoundrels in our gangs
We're the kids you
You'd love to hang
Nice. Gives you the picture, and is written the way you'd sing it.
And if we just back down
we won't get anywhere
It's time to hang up high and feel,
And feel the air
You caught the mind-set pretty well, and is once again written as it would be sung. Keep it.

Cause if we can't just go and wait
Where can we go
I'm waiting out on the grass
Where is the snow
I'm so lost i'm so lost
Mary Don't leave me now
Maybe a little elaboration would be nice, but still pretty good.

I'll hold on to these
Visions of everything
'Cause when I lay here with you
It all comes together
Adbandoning the rhyming pattern is a little bold, but at least you didn't try forcing something; It still works.
All the world, the people in it
i'm making out with gravity
It's holding me to the ground as
i'm, i'm

floating away--
I'm floating away on in your haze
Interesting wording. It interupts the flow that I had in my head, but maybe you're doing it different than I though. Maybe you should add a verse in to bridge it a little.


Cause if we can't just go and wait
Where can we go
I'm waiting out on the grass
Where is the snow
I'm so lost i'm so lost
Mary Don't leave me now


The Hysteria car has crashed
Has crashed into the wall
Right where I used to sit
Where I swear I used to give a shit
Cool imagery. I like it.
About all this everything
That taints its way around my face
Around my nose up in my pores
I fucking hate you stupid whores
A little bold again, but this time, it might be in a good way.
I'm so beat up off all your shit
Took my hand up off your neck
I wish you hadn't died on me
Oh good lord I miss you Mary

A bit of a twist. Be careful with how you do it if you use these lyrics.

Overall, it's really good. As far as crit4crit, pick one from my sig, preferably the untitled one.