#1
This is one of many poems ive writen, but the only that ive posted here. please crit, ill return the favor. be as harsh as you can. id really like to improve with metaphores and imagery and shtuff like that. thanks

Fell In Love At The Wheel


Friday Night,
three hour drive home.
Eyes grow tired as
darkness presses down in lazy lids.
But stubborn hands hold fast to the wheel
And heavy feet press on;
Prodding;
Provoking manic machines
to stumble down the dark road.

He dreams of empty sheets;
She dreams of fitful sleep.
Both eager to rid themselves
of the relentless road ahead.
To let the twisting labyrinth
of paint and pavement
become lost behind them.

And eyelids open up to high beams;
And mouths open up to screams
when frozen hands can’t pull the steering wheel
aside in time to avoid
the oncoming lights ahead.

Then all goes black
When headlights crack
And windshields give way
To their smiles.

Amidst a million shards of glass
two hearts are thrown towards each other.
In the instant they meet
Lips touch, fingertips grasp,
and lovers are thrust into
into slow motion dance.

Above the concrete
They fly as they fall
Towards a mess of shards and scrap.
In the broken metal
Of two unyielding cars
They lay in one another’s arms.
There, in that moment
Silent vows have been made;
Last breaths have been taken
And with an exchange of three words
Lovers meet
Their end.
Whatever it is you do, DO NOT CLICK HERE! ! it will bring the end of the world upon us all!!!! I swear you click it, and you will end o.O
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#2
To be perfectly honest, I think everything but the last two stanzas is completely throw-away. You take so much time building up this scene, but you never really set a mood for it. Every line feels to "oppressed." It's like: vague noun/form of "to be"/comparison to some other vague noun. It reads robotically and stale up until the final two. I say cut all the crap, instead of giving me a lot of stanzas that feel like they have no impact; give me two stanzas that kick me in the balls, two stanzas that I can really dig into. I think you really need to re-write all of the beginning because it takes too long building up and I lost interest. Make it quick a poignant, it will make it a much better read.

The last two have some zip to them; and I like that. I'll critique those, because as I said, I think the rest is not necessary. The first is fairly near perfect. It's all the setup you need. Good imagery, fresh take on a fairly stale idea which really gives it some life. Only complaint is "slow motion dance"... there is nothing slow about it, just seems like being poetic for the sake of being poetic there.

Stanza 2:

This had too many unfounded images. You haven't given us enough to really infer the "lovers thing" on the first read. It took me a second read to really catch it. Lost "above the concrete" just start out with some action... no use being passive in the most intense scene in this thing. Lost "silent vows" line. It makes no sense. I don't think anyone is making silent vows to each other after a car accident... which is how this is inferred. I'd just drop it.


Outside of that, its a neat idea. It just needs a more careful brush to paint it. Don't drag it out so much. You took so long setting up a scene... and you made the setup so boring that it really had little impact by the end. Condense it down, give it some flare, don't make it so mechanical. Make your characters quirky... give them personalities so that they're death is more shocking and tangible. You'll be well on your way.

-zC
#3
I agree with Zach about your first few paragraphs, there is no point of having all that material just as a build up to something I already knew might happen. Theres nothing wrong with predicatability, but there is when you pretend the reader isn't going to know what is happening and you pretend we are thoroughly enjoying the read up until that point of excitement.

I smiled when the ending started to arrive though, I was enjoying the predicatable ending. You did create a new version of something slightly dull and definitely overused. That is a hard task in itself.

Great wording throughout, very thoughtful and you can see a lot of effort exerted in the words. Its all very pretty and effectionatly done.
- "darkness presses down in lazy lids." - I thought this could of been worded better.

Thank you for getting to mine.

Digitally Clean