#1
c4c.


sometimes i strangle myself.
i jump off of bird shit statues
and dangle from the nose of
successful men who beat their wives
with whiskey hands.

the strange part is
you're the noose;
i wrap you around my head
while you beat my wife with
bourbon hands
(you never were one
to be one upped by those
fucking millionaires)

while i'm dangling there
(as you stand on lincoln's forehead
giggling like a schoolgirl
from manchester)
i'll get the final smile
because in the end, I
got my head around you
and you only got your
hands around my throat.
#2
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c.


sometimes i strangle myself.
i jump off of bird shit statues
and dangle from the nose of
successful men who beat their wives
with whiskey hands.
This is a very awkward beginning, I don't have anything against it, I just don't know where you're going to with this.

the strange part is
you're the noose;
i wrap you around my head
while you beat my wife with
bourbon hands
(you never were one
to be one upped by those
fucking millionaires)
I don't like this stanza. I mean, the imagery is amazing, but coming from you Zach, I think no one has doubts about your quality on giving images. I think this is going nowhere, or at least, I'm not getting it. I like "one with one upped" btw.

while i'm dangling there
(as you stand on lincoln's forehead
giggling like a schoolgirl
from manchester)
i'll get the final smile
because in the end, I
got my head around you
and you only got your
hands around my throat.
This is kinda cool, I like the last five lines.


Ok, so the main problem is that I didn't get the message of this, but I'd like to know. If you could PM me or something I would joyfully read it. (I hate when I have the impression I don't get things). This is not the best I read from you, but I might change my mind after I get it.

If you could leave a crit on "23:23:23" on my sig I would appreciate it
#3
It was an enjoyable read, and I'm definitely finding your pieces more interesting in the last little while. (I read most things, even if I don't comment.) I do have one nitpick, and that was using the word hands twice. I really liked the first time, but the second time I was hoping you might use a different word, as I had already enjoyed the first one, and was hoping for a different outcome. Not much to pick on, but there you go.
#4
i think i've already said i really liked this, in the competition forum.

i'll come back later (and pester me online if you wish).
Last edited by samoo at Sep 9, 2008,
#5
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c.


sometimes i strangle myself.
i jump off of bird shit statues
don't think it needs the of here
and dangle from the nose of
if this was wordplay
i didn't like it on closer reading
if it wasn't, i don't like that it's like it
makes it awkward

successful men who beat their wives
with whiskey hands.
liked this though, overall this stanza was up-and-downy I think

the strange part is
you're the noose;
nice
i wrap you around my head
while you beat my wife with
bourbon hands
(you never were one
to be one upped by those
fucking millionaires)
*nods*

while i'm dangling there
(as you stand on lincoln's forehead
giggling like a schoolgirl
from manchester)
*coughs*
*LOUDLY*
Nice idea.
Unfortunate that it's WRONG!
Line breaks here were weird
kind of worked
but there's got to be a better way to do it

i'll get the final smile
because in the end, I
thought the 'in the end' was awkward as an introduction to the final idea
it makes the point
but it could flow better

got my head around you
and you only got your
hands around my throat.


I enjoyed this, as you probably know from the comp forum, but it has a few things that could be worked on. The ending was spectacular.

If you've got some time, I'd love your thoughts on the piece in my sig
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
sometimes i strangle myself.
i jump off of bird shit statues
and dangle from the nose of
successful men who beat their wives
with whiskey hands.

Great opening and decent line-breakifying (you're getting the jist of that). Nothing to critique it was solid here and an interesting introduction content-wise.

the strange part is
you're the noose;
i wrap you around my head
while you beat my wife with
bourbon hands
(you never were one
to be one upped by those
****ing millionaires)

while i'm dangling there
(as you stand on lincoln's forehead
giggling like a schoolgirl
from manchester)
i'll get the final smile
because in the end, I
got my head around you
and you only got your
hands around my throat.

I'll edit in later.
#7
I really like the opening verse, its really upfront and sets a sense of determination to read more , i'm not a poet (well im not a good one atleast) but i would buy an album with lyrics like this, very impressive
#8
i wasn't too keen on the opening stanza of this piece. it felt a little disjointed, which may well have been what you were going for. however, i felt the final two stanzas were fantastic. especially the final few lines of the third, great twist if you ask me.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#9
Would've voted for this, if I weren't just as competitive. Great piece.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#10
I enjoyed the way you opened this; blunt and coarse, whilst turning then into your standard writing technique.

I think the repetition of the whiskey thing feels slightly lazy. I don't see the relation as to why you would have it repeated. Am I missing something? Sorry if I seem ignorant.

I do really like this. I was trying to find something to say bad about it, but I can't.
Although, saying that, I think the ending comes a little too soon. I can't fully deciphor myself to you but I will say, something doesn't feel right. I may have to return to fully grasp what that is.

Its certainly not amazing but its very good nonetheless. Emotive but not quite thorough, which lends this a rough edge, which in turn lends it a certain quality that I cannot explain properly.

Digitally Clean

If you can, I know your busy, tell me what you think of my recent poem: The Fugly Turbo Slut and the Guilty Writer
#11
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c.


sometimes i strangle myself.
i jump off of bird shit statues
and dangle from the nose of
successful men who beat their wives
with whiskey hands.

I like what you're trying to create but it didn't appeal as much as it should have. The full-stop after 'myself' should be replaced with either a hyphen or comma. I din't so much enjoy the enjambment used after "the nose of" line, the enjambment should've been used after "successful men."

the strange part is
you're the noose;
i wrap you around my head
while you beat my wife with
bourbon hands
(you never were one
to be one upped by those
fucking millionaires)

Everything didn't feel right to me after the third line. I think you should have continued with the descriptive writing you're doing with the first three lines; maybe add another two. Everything after the third lien felt rushed and overbearing. You can keep them, just add two more lines after the end of "head".

while i'm dangling there
(as you stand on lincoln's forehead
giggling like a schoolgirl
from manchester)
i'll get the final smile
because in the end, I
got my head around you
and you only got your
hands around my throat.

This is good but vague at the same time. I don't have any suggestions, that wouldn't end up altering this stanza, thoroughly. But I think it's strong enough for it not to need suggestions.


Overall me likey. It feels like a major step forward from your older stuff.
#12
i really like this piece. it seemed a bit jumbled to me, (but thats probably just because my inteligence level isnt up to par) but an injoyable read none the less.

the only problem i have is with whiskey hands and then bourbon hands. i like the way you had the whiskey part, but when i comes time for the bourbon it feels out of place, almost forced.

other that than that it was a great piece :]

if you dont mind id love a crit on my piece 'Fell in Love at the Wheel'. Thanks!
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=954146
Whatever it is you do, DO NOT CLICK HERE! ! it will bring the end of the world upon us all!!!! I swear you click it, and you will end o.O
____________________________________________
#13
Thanks everyone.

AG (Dan, right?): the whiskey bourbon thing is referring to something within the piece. Bourbon is hte higher class version of whiskey, right? The point here is that the person who is "killing me" is trying to make himself out to be better than he really is. Like he is in denial that he has sunk down to the level of wife beaters.

Fred: I understand that you didn't like the feeling of the end of stanza 2... but it was supposed to come across rushed and sort of disjointed and almost forced. It's like a little kid pointing out to a bully how wrong he is... he gets the courage up and stumbles through teh accusation whilst making it quiet and fast. That's the feeling I wanted to convey. There is a message underneath it all... but I wanted it to be more personable to hte reader so I tried to keep it underneath a lot.

RuleBreaker: Jumbled/disjointed is what I was going for. It's part of the reading expereince (at least from where I'm sitting). Thank you for your comments though.


I'll be getting back to everyone; hopefully tomorrow night.
#15
forget the editing and the whole 'full crit' nonsense, actually. just letting you know you should write more stuff like this and ignore whoever's more fussed with flow. flow is so 1800's man.