Poll: Keep, or stop now?
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View poll results: Keep, or stop now?
Keep.
15 79%
Stop while your ahead.
4 21%
Voters: 19.
#1
The Dream.


Chapter 1.



As I walk toward the sound, I relise that I was being followed. I fear for the worst, so I keep my composure, and walk as if nothing is happening. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch a homeless man peering in my direction, holding up a sign that states "Where art though Father?" I keep my stride, fearing for the man behind me, I am not in the best of neighborhoods.

I must focus on the sound again. It was so faint, yet so sweet. It caught me in a trance that made me want to find out what had made the glorious sound, the sound of an angel.

*Ringgg*

6:30, It was but a dream. It felt oh so real though. I can still hear the sound, echoing off the innermost chambers of my ears, reminding me of my wife, who, tragically died in a car wreck only 6 months prior. I havent slept well since then. Suddenly I rember the figure following me. Who was he and why was he in my dream? I guess itst he least of importance, it was only a dream after all.



Chapter 2



Work was but the same as usual. Madness of the factory driving me in the ground. I had to work over, so I missed the bus, oh well, teh apartment is only 7 blocks away.

Its starting to get dark, like a curtain being drawn over the horizon, the sunset burning red and orange like love for ones dearest. The alley is the fastest way home, and in this neighborhood, the faster I get home, the better.

Only 2 blocks from home now. The pavement makes a skidding sound as my tired feet drag the over-riden road. Did you hear that? It sounded faint, like someone whispering my name, it sounded like the voice in my dream. Nonsense, it was just a dream. I hear it again, slightly more amplified this time. Just for giggles, I turn around. My spine starts tingling as I see a man in a long trenchcoat, resembling that in my dream, following me. I quicken my stride, quite worried now. I turn and look, and the man has quickened his pace too. I start for a run, only 1 block from my house now. The voice in my head is getting louder, saying my name in sequence with my foot steps. I turn and look at the man, and hes gone. I stop my run and look around. As I come from a complete turn, all goes black.

When I wake up, the sun has started to shine. Im not in my own house it appears, the windows are barred, and teh toilet is but a bucket. A mna walks in, its a polic officer. He tells me Im free to go. Im feeling queezy, was I drinking last night?

Im late for work, and teh voice starts up in my head. Im beginning to think of it as a warning, so I saty on my toes. I pick up my pace, teh sooner I get to work, the less of a chewout I receive from the boss.

Work was average, nothing special. As I arive at home, I open the door. The voice in my head starts screaming at me. I fall to my knees cupping my ears. The voice starts yelling names, names of those close to me lost. For some reason it keeps yelling "Jordan", the name of my wife. I feel a breakdown coming on. As the tears start rolling, the voice starts to subside back into a whisper once again. I start to rember all the details of Jordan that made me fall in love with her. Her face, her lips, her eyes, well her everything. I walk to the cabinet and open a bottle of Jack, I can drink this voice out of my head.


Its a working process, Ive been working on it for about 45 minutes now. =D

****I would really liek you to point out the parts that need improving. I will work on the "Jail" part.****
Last edited by derekwalden_-33 at Sep 8, 2008,
#2
keep going. but elaborate more. why was he in jail? be more detailed
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#3
I get what you're going for and it has potential, but these are my problems with it.

Various spelling and grammatical errors.
Not enough going on to keep readers interested
Very confusing

It needs more details about the character and his surroundings.
#6
It has potential to be a very good short story, but not one for a novel. You are trying to get to the plot too quickly, and instead you should explain the character's life with many details. It also jumps around a lot, which can be good(*cough*fight club*cough*) but you aren't doing it in a way in which your audience could understand with one readthrough.

EDIT: You have to make the character slowly deteriorate in order to show him going crazy. Start with his wife's death, and go from there(if you want to do it chronologically) or just do an odd format, but plan everything out ahead.
1. Open My Computer.
2. Open C:
3. Click on WINDOWS.
4. Open the folder "Media."
5. Click on the file "onestop."
6. Listen.
Last edited by Mockstairwell at Sep 8, 2008,
#7
it's good but there are some problems. First of all, just use a double line break and not a chapter break as the chapter was really short. not a big thing, but still. second of all, write ring the way it would normally be spelled (the same with every other word) as it makes it seem far more professional. Also, purposely holding information back from the reader is not the way to generate suspense. You aren't just put in jail and then allowed to leave without being told what you did and you are most certainly curious after awaking after passing out in jail.

As a final note, don't post every little snippet. Work on a large chunk, edit it, and only then share. sharing unedited work looks unprofessional and also doesn't give you the chance to make any necesarry corrections or edits.

Besides those minor things it seems interesting. keep writing.
The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.
#8
Quote by derekwalden_-33
Well thats what Im getting at, hes going pshycho, Im hoping the "Him drinking the voice away" points that out.

BTW this is a tribute to a freind.
And yes, I would liek to be a writer when I get older.

But we don't know anything about the character. We need to know how he normally is before we can figure out when he's gone crazy.

You're number one goal as a writer should be to convey your message in a way that's easy to understand for your readers.
#10
Unless you're writing a series of journals, elaborate and make each chapter longer. Keep up the good work.
#11
Those two chapters need a rewrite.
Right now would say yes, keep going. Thanks for asking.

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#13
Your dialect sounds ridiculous. You don't have to be Shakespeare to write a book, write in normal English. Your plot is rushed, your exposition is pretty much non-existent, your grammar is abysmal, and your vocabulary is plebeian. You don't introduce your character at all. It just starts, there he is. You wanna write abstract, fine, at least show me what kind of person your character is, if you're not gonna tell me. If you want to be an author, take some writing courses, and do it properly. I don't critique nicely, but if everyone tells your writing is just peachy when it's not, you're never going to get any better.
#14
Quote by jthm_guitarist
Those two chapters need a rewrite.
Right now would say yes, keep going. Thanks for asking.


+1

Rewrite them, and take more time.

Books don't get written in 45 minutes, poems do.

Sort of like this you see
Don't write your stories like me
Taking little time will make your story bad
That'll make all the readers very sad
So next time you decide to write something down
Make sure you spent time on it or else all will frown
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#15
Quote by derekwalden_-33
Im going to deletet his thread in 15 minutes to give people time to read this, and I will work on it and repost.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND WORDS AND CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISISM.

if you want aid with the new version i will be glad to give assistance. PM me if you need help or want advice with it. Also, even if you choose not to do so, post it on the forums once you're done with the first few (EXPANDED) chapters so that we can see how its turning out. Good luck
The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.
#16
Quote by floppypick
+1

Rewrite them, and take more time.

Books don't get written in 45 minutes, poems do.

Sort of like this you see
Don't write your stories like me
Taking little time will make your story bad
That'll make all the readers very sad
So next time you decide to write something down
Make sure you spent time on it or else all will frown


There once was a girl from Nantucket...
1. Open My Computer.
2. Open C:
3. Click on WINDOWS.
4. Open the folder "Media."
5. Click on the file "onestop."
6. Listen.
#17
Quote by Mockstairwell

There once was a girl from Nantucket...


The only place she had to pee was ina bucket
No way!
She did say
I will not sit on that cold piece of steel
To crap out my now digested meal
I will wait until we arrive at our destination
Sitting on a nice warm seat will be a pleasing sensation

What?
Quote by 20cdndollars
You are god, floppypick



Floppydick


If that's how you read my name, leave a message saying so on my profile
#18
Keep going. Stories are fun to write. Check out my blogs (start from the first one if you do). Some pretty short stories, but fun (and twisted). As long as you have a good plot or good characters, its worth it at least for your own amusement.
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#19
The story really is starting to look like more of a poem than a novel or short story. It's all stream-of-consciousness writing, where everything is just flowing into everything else, and we don't have any anchor or point of reference. You need to start the story with some concrete foundations, and then a bit later on have the guy go into a spin of insanity. He can't start insane, or we won't be able to relate to it. Don't worry, you won't have to write the whole thing before you can get to the good stuff, just enough to get the reader settled.
#20
"As I walk toward the sound, I relise that I was being followed"

I hate to say it, but any story that starts with that I instantly disregard. Literally. It's nothing against you, it's like some sort of OCD or something.
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#21
Quote by Devopast
"As I walk toward the sound, I relise that I was being followed"

I hate to say it, but any story that starts with that I instantly disregard. Literally. It's nothing against you, it's like some sort of OCD or something.

so then why are you even posting? It's not the best sentence in the world but its far from bad and i your post is along the lines of, 'i was going to read a book...but then i didn't. the end.' it's pointless.
The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.