#1
at the entrance of this city
cemeteries of crooked teeth line up
like queues of cracked piano keys
outside the doctor's plastic factory
of circus mirrors and surgical veneers
pairs of carnivorous scissors
painting china doll innocence
on porcelain cheeks
painting small-town innocence
on big city dreams

baby, can you hear the organ grinder's machinery
in the silicone valleys and hills of mercury
a champagne carousel spins a web
of horsemen wearing the faces of dead presidents
they prowl the streets in tinted limousines
and just like in the hunter's headlights
a jane doe-eyed waitress is caught in magazine headlines
they take her to the audition rooms
where crushed ivory dust drowns
in the starved veins of girls from tiny towns

baby, can you hear a teenage daughter's screams
ricochet off old men's bodies and hotel balconies
like the muffled cries of a smothered baby
the sweet-nothing salesmen unpack promises
like a loose-lipped whore with virgin words
like the priest in the brothel
who speaks in circles and dirty tongues
the devil's carpenters carve out a neon star
in beds made of anorexic sweat
poverty's dream served in cheap perfume
to satiate salivating camera crews

come and get your tickets
see a mouth swallow fists in excess
to feed a belly that's bottomless
adulterous green eyes
collect a neighbour's trophy wife
come and get your tickets
watch a noseless face
commissions self-portraits
while a police officer masturbates
to a killer's confession tapes
a church does a striptease
around a bonfire of burning bibles
like a disfigured showgirl who dances
to the sound of ambulances

what's wrong baby, don't you know
rats won't chew a saint that's been used
they tell little jane as she pleads
like a sex-crime victim still tied in fairy lights
thrown out of moving cars, sailing into the night
like a flaming christmas tree carcass
abandoned at the side of a road
sick with aborted embryos
where angels are strung up by their throats
their skeletons hang from telephone poles
like gargoyles to godless girls
Last edited by sleep sickness at Sep 12, 2008,
#3
Quote by sleep sickness

painting small-town innocence
on porcelain china doll cheeks
didn't like this line break

in the sillicone valleys and hills of mercury
silicone

a jane doe-eyed waitress is caught in magazine headlines
both jane and doe-eyed made the description a bit much here

like the muffled cries of a smothered baby
the singular was weird
the sweet-nothing salesmen unpack promises
like a loose-lipped whores with virgin words

in beds made of anorexic sweat
what exactly is 'anorexic sweat', eh?
poverty's dream prepared in cheap perfume
served to the camera crews and evening news
I think this would work better if it was '*insert metaphor/image* of the evening news'. Would just make it stronger because it was saying the same thing twice here

a noseless face
commissions self-portraits
while a police officer masturbates
this was a bit too blunt
bit too much of a change beforehand to be that blunt
understand that?
my wording may be off.


what's wrong baby, don't you know
rats won't chew a saint that's been used
used? maybe a quick but clever explanation or wordplay here would be better
they tell little jane as she pleads
use of jane again is good
like a sex-crime victim still tied in fairy lights
am i missing something?
thrown out of moving cars, sailing into the night
like a flaming christmas tree carcass
abandoned at the side of a road
sick with aborted embryos
where angels are strung up by their throats
the skeletons hang from telephone poles
like gargoyles to godless girls
this whole bit here was too blunt and brash
i understand from reading your pieces that you like that
but it could be so much more effective if you pulled it together a bit more


I thought this was great overall, but by the end it just went in to my brain as 'hate, hate, hate!' and I thought it was a bit much. You don't need to be so obvious with your imagery.

I'd appreciate a comment on my new piece (in my sig) if you can
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
thanks for the feedback.

digup, i haven't revised this yet, and a lot of the stuff you picked on, i had reservations about too. so, thanks for confirming my suspicions. admittedly, it is very blunt and brash in places, and i might look to change it sometime when i revise it. i wanted it to be quite visceral and graphic but i guess it can come across as a bit juvenile at times.

i'll definitely get to yours soon.

edit: and "anorexic sweat" is the sweat from an anorexic person
i'll probably explain the line and idea behind the piece later.
#5
Quote by sleep sickness
at the entrance of this city
cemeteries of crooked teeth line up
like queues of cracked piano keys
outside the doctor's plastic factory
The line breaks here a little uncomfortable and it doesn't help the reader become attached to the piece.
of circus mirrors and surgical veneers
pairs of carnivorous scissors
painting small-town innocence
on porcelain china doll cheeks
Already I'm overwhelmed with a lot of material. Theres no space to breathe.

baby, can you hear the organ grinder's machinery
in the sillicone valleys and hills of mercury
Lack of punctuation creates a very uneven vibe that doesn't compliment this.
a champagne carousel spins a web
of horsemen wearing the faces of dead presidents
they prowl the streets in tinted limousines
and just like in the hunter's headlights
a jane doe-eyed waitress is caught in magazine headlines
they take her to the audition rooms
where crushed ivory dust drowns
in the starved veins of girls from tiny towns
I am still lost here and the only sense of reality and humanly emotion is in the relation to a basic character in a complicated situation.

baby, can you hear a teenage daughter's screams
ricochet off old men's bodies and hotel balconies
like the muffled cries of a smothered baby
We receive a battering of polluted life here. Very effective.
the sweet-nothing salesmen unpack promises
like a loose-lipped whores with virgin words
Is there a mistake here?
like the priest in the brothel
who speaks in circles and dirty tongues
the devil's carpenters carve out a neon star
in beds made of anorexic sweat
poverty's dream prepared in cheap perfume
served to the camera crews and evening news
I'm slowly starting to become accustomed to what this is about and your writing methods.

at the entrance of this city
a mouth swallows fists in excess
I don't like the addition of "s" in both "swallows" and "fists".
to feed a belly that's bottomless
Awesome.
adulterous green eyes
collect a neighbour's trophy wife
a noseless face
Awkward, maybe thats the point?
commissions self-portraits
while a police officer masturbates
to a killer's confession tapes
Woah, extreme, and therefore great in my eyes.
a church does a striptease
around a bonfire of burning bibles
like a disfigured showgirl who dances
to the sound of ambulances
Too much extreme verbal similes here. I'm becoming overly depressed and aggrivated by this point.

what's wrong baby, don't you know
rats won't chew a saint that's been used
they tell little jane as she pleads
like a sex-crime victim still tied in fairy lights
thrown out of moving cars, sailing into the night
like a flaming christmas tree carcass
abandoned at the side of a road
sick with aborted embryos
where angels are strung up by their throats
the skeletons hang from telephone poles
like gargoyles to godless girls


OK, its too long, I become exhausted and overwhelmed with the quantity of battering insults and remarks. If it were shorter I would have the chance to comprehend and agree with what you are saying.
Also, there are two many similes. It detracts from the glorious ones that you have.
Although this a very real poem, full of humanity and its struggles, I fail to really grasp it. It feels like your writing about another demention, one full of struggle and strife, extremem poverty and troubles. This is so unrelatable I find it hard to enjoy.
Your word choices and metaphors are all excellent, but theres just too many of them and they're so overpowering. Lend it some air.
There was something else that I thought about this but I can't remember. I'll return.

Digitally Clean
#6
I kind of agree with the AngryGoldfish, in regards to the sheer amount of material you've crammed into this. It reads great, and has plenty of sections that made me go "that's awesome", but by the end I felt like I had just run a marathon with my eyes and brain. Your language is great and captivated me, but it just seemed like too much information to properly soak in while I was reading it. Other than that, I really enjoyed the ideas and the way you expressed was very fun to read.

BTW, I loved these lines:

Quote by sleep sickness
what's wrong baby, don't you know
rats won't chew a saint that's been used
#7
thanks for the comments guys.
i'll see if i can make it a little easier on the eyes sometime. i'm just not sure of what to remove.
i want to make it lighter and pad it out, without adding too much/any filler. i should probably learn to strike a balance though.

thanks again for your insights.
#8
i think the crits above pretty much cover things i would have suggested.
i'm not sure if i agree about the piece being too long. i enjoy writing that is given the oppotunity to blossom over various stanzas. that probably comes from my love of song of myself...
but anyway, i enjoyed this piece, it shows great signs of promise. if you decide to tweak it a little then you'll have a great piece of work
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#9
thankyou.

i just wanted to say that the title is meant to refer to the main character and the opening of the film mulholland drive. the song isn't directly about nor was it originally inspired by the film, but it gives a clue to the meaning of the piece...which i presume is fairly obvious?